I had to build my own shelter from the storm. Hardest times of my life so far, getting better tho. I built a peaceful shelter and it is mine. Only mine. Only way I can keep on keeping on. When I am on my own.
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#blackouttuesday
How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?
How many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
Yes, ânâ how many times must the cannon balls fly
Before theyâre forever banned?
The answer, my friend, is blowinâ in the wind
The answer is blowinâ in the wind
Yes, ânâ how many years can a mountain exist
Before it is washed to the sea?
Yes, ânâ how many years can some people exist
Before theyâre allowed to be free?
Yes, ânâ how many times can a man turn his head
And pretend that he just doesnât see?
The answer, my friend, is blowinâ in the wind
The answer is blowinâ in the wind
Yes, ânâ how many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
Yes, ânâ how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
Yes, ânâ how many deaths will it take âtil he knows
That too many people have died?
The answer, my friend, is blowinâ in the wind
The answer is blowinâ in the wind
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I wrote the bracketed part a couple weeks agoâŚon a Sunday evening when that fear of the week coming up kicks in-- the Sunday Scaries. As I sat there that day writing that portion the thought I had was â I know it gets easier, but does it ever get easy enough? I donât want to drink, but I want to hide from everything in a safe cocoon of tyedyes and Brent Songs.
Never got around to posting it.
Those feelings have been hanging over me the last few weeks â and I couldnât see what it was while it was gnawing at my mind and soul. Eating me alive. At that moment, there was nothing wrong. There was just this feeling that the other shoe was going to drop⌠It was and isâŚ
Anxiety
How do you always get the best of me?
Iâm out here living in a fantasy
I canât enjoy a goddamn thing
Anxiety
Why am I never where I am supposed to be?
It literally took me typing this out to realize that it was anxiety and as it hit âthe opening riff hit so it gets an inclusion here to. Maybe one day I can figure out how to human.
Listening to Isbells new album⌠That I had all figured out before I even heard it from the numerous interviews in all the magazines and newspapers. Silly GoatâŚ
These songs struck me as I sat on the deck waiting on the day to fade away so I could box the day up and put it away and get back to the regularly scheduled angst and the appurtenant anguish that the daily grind brings.
Last night I dreamed that Iâd been drinking
Same dream I have 'bout twice a week
I had one glass of wine
I woke up feeling fine
And thatâs how I knew it was a dreamLast night I dreamed that Iâd been drinking
Cold burn of whiskey down my throat
My hand turned into a rattlesnake
And I laughed myself awake
And thatâs how I knew it was a jokeIt gets easier but it never gets easy
I can say itâs all worth it, but you wonât believe me
Hold down your liquor or swallow your pride
Youâd rather keep it inside
It gets easier but it never gets easyLast night I did myself a favor
I called in sick and went downtown
Drove past the local bar
A cop got behind my car
I wish he would pull me over nowLast night I let myself remember
Times I forgot a womanâs name
I blacked out behind the wheel
How tight the handcuffs feel
My daughterâs eyes when sheâs ashamedIt gets easier, but it never gets easy
I can say itâs all worth it, but you wonât believe me
You canât expect her to follow your lead
Sheâs fine with her wine and her weed
It gets easier but it never gets easy
It never gets easyIt gets easier but it never gets easy
I can say itâs all worth it but you wonât believe me
Hold down your liquor or swallow your pride
Youâd rather keep it inside
It gets easier but it never gets easy
It never gets easy
It never gets easy
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Absolutely love your post! Thank you for sharing.
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Great movie, original scores by Stephen Trask. Also my favourite movie, Hedwig and the angry inch.
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Donât think that I or you have done this. God plays the lila in his own way. No role of mine, none of yours. It was to happen!
Comes a time when the blind man takes your hand
Says, "Donât you see?
Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe
Donât give it up, you got an empty cup
That only love can fill, only love can fill"Been walkinâ all morninâ, went walkinâ all night
I canât see much difference between the dark and light
And I feel the wind and I taste the rain
Never in my mind to cause so much painComes a time when the blind man takes your hand
Says, "Donât you see?
Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe
Donât give it up, you got an empty cup
Only love can fill, only love can fill"From day to day just letting it ride
You get so far away from how it feels inside
You canât let go 'cause youâre afraid to fall
But the day may come when you canât feel at allComes a time when the blind man takes your hand
Says, "Donât you see?
Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe
Donât give it up, you got an empty cup
That only love can fill, only love can fill, only love can fill"
One of the gifts of this pandemic and being stuck at home was that it gave me space to look at things in a different light. With this has come good things â the grace to see how things had to fall together for me to be right here right now. How the seemingly littlest things were so instrumental in things falling together⌠It is a magical space at times.
But with that comes the insight into some of the less savory things. How I am only realizing that I have been stuck in relationship(s) where I am (and was) manipulated, gas lit, and made to feel less than so that someone else could control me for years. How I mirrored less than savory behaviors in my own actions to others b/c I was so self-centered, fearful, angry and hurt. Oh yeah and a fucking drunk who hid from it all in the bottom of the bottle thinking I could just avoid it all.
It is easy to accept the good or seemingly insignificant things⌠but to have to accept how much life was spent to be right here, right now hurts at times and sends me down the rabbit hole of maybe this and maybe that. Maybe I would be happy. Maybe I would love and be loved. Maybe maybe maybeâŚ
So easy to ignore those god markers, that feeling of grace to see how it all interconnects. To think that I have control of the lila, the dance. That I could do better. That hill is so much steeper and slippery in this quarantined state. So easy to hide and close myself off from the only thing that can fill that empty cupâŚ
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love it!
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I was thinking of this song as I woke up!
The words hit home.
And heâs adorable, lol
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Canât go wrong with Marley 3 little birds
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Wow; that was wonderful.
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I would like to say that so much of what is in my head today is because I havenât been able to get out of the house, wake work sleep over and over again. Or at least it seems that way. Outside the world seems to be on fire and there is seemingly no way to see or experience the world other than through the lens of social media and the news. Feels like we are just waiting for the next shoe to drop. Not the other, the next one b/c it feels like there are dozens laying there on the floor already. Add to it that I have to make a decision that will have some major major life consequences.
Yes. Change. And wherever your find Change, his buddy Anxiety cant bee too far off. It takes every little feeling and amplifies it â the tightness in the chest, the short breaths, the tingling/vibrations in the body, racing thoughts (none good), inability to sleep, and oh how the entire world is going to come crashing down on me so I should find a cave and hole up for awhile.
I can tell you we never step in the same river twice and to live is to experience perpetual change BLAH BLAH BLAH. SERENITY PRAYER NOW! But this Goat hates change, especially that change that I donât think I can control. Many times I choose to sit in my own misery than to deal with change (good and bad). Even the littlest things⌠I mean do I really need a hair cut or can the mane just continue to grow?
So yeah ⌠ugh.
I find it interesting when you hear songs that are seemingly upbeat, stripped down and more raw, that are dealing with such heavy topics or describing heavy feelings. I mean it is popular music â it canât be deep. How often find we are just singing along without thought as to how heavy the song is. Yeah man I am a little unwell today with case of the sads b/c I didnât get to do X. Or we belted them out drunk in the bar b/c WOOOOOOOOOOâŚMY LIFE IS HARD MAN (Full disclosure: Was never a WooGoat).
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Chilly Gonzales is my go to when Iâm feeling stressed these days. Amazing and so calming.
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Old man take a look at my life
Iâm a lot like you
I need someone to love me
the whole day through
Ah, one look in my eyes
and you can tell thatâs true.
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