So um… um. Yeah. I don’t even know where to begin with everything nor do I really know where I am at right now. To be honest, that is okay. Life has been a bit of a whirlwind the last couple weeks in so so so many regards and continues to be day to day. I find that HP tends to do that to me when he knows I shouldn’t linger on feelings or the moment. Look but don’t stare and get on down the tracks.
Some of you may remember my ramblings from early sobriety and thereafter about my job and the cray cray there. Many said just quit, get a new job. But that wasn’t what my HP had in store for me… I had learning to do. Sometimes I think that there should be another line to the promises, sometimes quickly, some time slowly, and sometimes painfully.
After almost two decades, the time came that I had to walk away from that job. For most of it, I was so sick and suffering, that I couldn’t see what was going around me. It took two and a half years into sobriety, a pandemic, snakes, and a mistake for me to see the sick sick world that had consumed me for so many years. As the awakenings came, I couldn’t believe that I had not seen how bad things were, how much I was gas lit and manipulated, and told that my reality and perceptions were crazy. I was used and abused and then said can i have some more. Almost two decades this poison leached into my soul and I never saw it. Despite all that, it hurt like hell to say good bye and move on down the tracks. I have to move my stuff Friday… gulp.
Adding to the awakenings with work, during all of this madness, someone significant in my life (outside of work) said that I was garbage human being and failure in everything I do in life and that nothing had changed in sobriety. I was the same garbage person I was before – there was no change.
So to say that it hurt deeply would be an understatement. Those words and the damage done have lingered over the summer, still with no resolution. The night it happened, i got as close as I have gotten in sobriety to a drink, which had it not been a Sunday – maybe things would have been different (HOORAY BLUE LAWS). But what saved me was the thought that I am not those things. I am not the same person that I was three years ago when I was spiraling out of control and living in the bottom of a handle of vodka. It was one of those times where the only thing between me and a drink, was the state line and an HP who has slowly opened my eyes.
Along with all that, I have had to see how that poison together with booze made me mentally, spiritually, and physically bankrupt, such that I hurt everyone around me that wanted to help. Having to look at the hurt you caused and say – it doesn’t matter what you [other person] did – my behavior was disgusting and inappropriate. My HP didn’t care that I wasn’t on the 9th step, amends were to be made as the damage could no longer be avoided. It was time to own the damage I did. FUCK. Look but don’t stare.
So in the summer of covid, a chapter of my life was closed without the ending I wanted or saw coming, while other ones were started. To David Crosby’s dismay, I also cut my hair (FOUR PLUS INCHES OMG) and trimmed my beard. So its into the great wide open wherever that takes me… to love, to serve, and to remember HP.
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