Good bye letter and help with accountability

Hi all,

Hope everyone is well. As many of you may know I have had a long problem with tobacco. Starting at 12 I have been a smoker. I have had bouts of freedom from them, but have always come back. The long-term affects of them are becoming more apparent and I know I am reaching the age where I will start seeing more and more of those affects (not to mention the anxiety and nightmares which are worsening now as a front line covid worker). Aside from my health I’ve straight up lied to my children and wife about my smoking, I’ve lied to myself as well, but we all know all the bad things we do as addicts. I recently read about how some (or all idk) recovery programs use a good bye letter to the DOC to help. I initially thought that sounded stupid like I was talking to an object, but I did it anyway cause I’m desperate. afterwards I actually felt like it may have helped/ will help. My plan is to read it every day in the morning and at night among my other sobriety literature. I will post the letter here as I imagine if I was in a traditional support group I would possibly read it to others helping my therapy and hopefully others.

Secondly, I need help with accountability. if it would not be too much trouble could some of the people regularly here ask me on this thread if I am remaining true to my goal in not smoking today. My plan is to hit this thread every night and tell you all that I have not smoked and cigarettes today, but based on my previous failures I really need more than myself for this.

Dear Cigarettes,

We are done. I can no longer have you in my life. For some reason I have felt compelled to smoke. In my mind there may have been an image of a smoker that I identified with, a type of person I thought was like me. Then a ritual that I completed at night which I thought helped me, but I know it doesn’t. The association with you and pot is over too. I have no excuses for you to come back into my life, whether or not I smoke pot again is a different choice, but you are forever out. We are done. I can never smoke another cigarette. The accumulating damage you are doing to my body is obvious. My lungs are not as good as they use to be and they are worsening. Smoking will mean a trach and immobility, then death. Rationalizing my use with my current decent health is a fools errand and I am lying to myself by justifying smoking. The reality is that I’m winded on my runs and during workouts, badly. I have used an inhaler to compensate for my runs which has helped me feel better for hours afterwards and this change in my regular breathing is a sign of the inevitable. I have nightmares where I can’t breath and others where I’m being Vader choked then wake up panicked… and yet I’ve always come back. For YEARS I’ve dealt with anxiety from knowing you will humiliate me and kill me colliding with my action of smoking, but that is over. forever. no more, not one more cigarette. Im also tired of being a consumer. Endlessly trying to fill myself with things to make me feel better because you have never satisfied me. Its true. You have not really ever helped me, but I’m so self deprecating that I think this passive action of self harm feels comfortable. At best the low Oxygen levels you create when I chain smoke is probably why I feel tired when I smoke at the end of the night. You don’t offer relaxation and you know it. Only death. You’re a snake in the grass and I hate you. I have chosen life. I know you will try relentlessly to get me to invite you back into my life, but I will not. The thought of my loss of living and then death is disturbing and I will not have my family witness that or start smoking themselves. you see I have a life that you don’t care about. You pretend to, but you only want more of you. You give zero fucks about me or my suffering. I am an example to my children, they see me as a king and I want to live like a king, but a king can not submit to another and claim autonomy… autonomy as I stand in the freezing rain outside by the garbage cans hiding in shame from everyone or suffocating during a run?!? That’s slavery and you know it, fuck you. You don’t get to leverage my situation against me anymore. My work day is no longer your concern. My finances, my happiness, not one inch of the spectrum is yours anymore. I have too much going for me to use up any of my bandwidth on you anymore. When you come around (and I’m sure you fuckin will), I’m going to pass you up, pester my higher power cause I’m done here. And I’m never coming back. I will never smoke another cigarette again. Goodbye, go fuck yourself and I will no longer be neutral about you in general anymore. I want you off of the planet. I am giving up my humor about you. I will not joke about wanting ashtrays at work or comment mentally or outloud about how I love you. Thats over, fuck you. Every part of my existence is against you.

  1. My View: is that the consequence of ANY interaction with you is death, humiliating death.
  2. My Resolve: I will walk the path without the suffering you bring.
  3. My Speech: Will always reference you with disdain, not even a positive hypothetical joke in your direction.
  4. My Conduct: I will not smoke.
  5. My Livelihood: Already shows me your lethality, there’s only death with you.
  6. My Effort: I have a lot of changes I have to do and am doing to rid myself of you. Every part of my brain you have weaseled your way into will be removed and I will build in its place a wholesome, sustaining shrine to life. You will not ever come back.
  7. My Mindfulness: I am painfully aware of how much influence you have in my mind and it is through my awareness that I will beat you. No more complacency towards you, fuck you.
  8. My Samadhi: All of my meditative consciousness currently and from now on will be tightening my life up to choke you out. I choose life and happiness over you.

You are not strong, I have made you strong in my life. I was wrong and I can not continue to live in your disgusting presence anymore. Goodbye and Good riddens.

Whatever it takes to never smoke another cigarette again is what I will do.

Wholeheartedly,

Kevin

Thank you all for reading and for the help with accountability. I know this forum and if it can help me remain sober from alcohol for 14 months (and counting) I believe it’ll help me do this. God Bless y’all. #OneLove

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I believe you can do it Kevin, i have book marked this to help you stay accountable.

:muscle::pray::muscle:

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Bro, hell yes. This is what it’s all about. :muscle: :fire: Behind you 100% and it helped me to read. So much truth and seeing through the BS here.

You probably know already, but here’s an awesome thread for nic quit support: Grumpy A-holes (quitting cigarettes/ nicotine products).

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Great job! Thank you for sharing. My mom is a smoker and especially a stress smoker. She will quit but anytime anything super stressful happens that is her excuse to run to the store. We started smoking together bc I am a social smoker. Even for someone like me who doesn’t have the chemical affinity to nicotine like other people do, it was a bit difficult to say goodbye and almost impossible to not have one if they are lying around. I just recently got her to quit again bc I really care about her health and she is 59. You think it’s not doing you damage bc you can’t see the immediate effects but it’s bad. I recall sitting there multiple times. Almost everyday I would have one and mentally think “I know this bad and full of toxic chemicals but oh well, this one is the last, I don’t even freaking like this” yet I would pick them up because it’s feels nice for a second but then you feel dirty afterwards. You can do it! Do it for your family and definitely do it for your kids. They need you around for a long time and I’m sure you need them just as much. Think about all those chemicals and how everyday without cigs your lungs and body are actively repairing itself. Even after only a month of not smoking you should feel imporovment. Good luck!

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Yes! Good move, my friend.

You scared me for a second, when I started reading I thought you were leaving! Thank goodness you’re saying goodbye to cigarettes instead of us! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Good job man. I quit to after 12 years of smoking, wasn’t easy but I did it take it one day at a time.

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Hell yeah man you can do this. I have 14 years without cigarettes and almost 10 without chew. My father died of lung cancer at 53 because of those murderous little death sticks. I book marked this to come back to and check on you. Good luck, you got this!

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I have written this before so apologies if it’s repetition but something that really helped me quit and stay quit is the fact that smoking doesn’t stop the craving, it causes the next craving (from Allen Carr). That was a total lightbulb moment for me in helping change how I thought about smoking and quitting.

Another thing is the health stats, you know after one day, week, month etc your risk of whatever disease reduces by however much. Really thinking that every time I smoke I am setting that clock back to zero and getting through the cravings was just a waste.

You can do it! :muscle:

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That’s been a reality for me awhile as a matter of fact I find that while I’m smoking I’m already longing for my next cigaret before the one I am currently smoking is done. The idea that I will only have enough time for 2 or 3 cigarets in a row causes me anxiety. I’m gonna look up this Alan Carr person though. Thank you. As for the health stats I can feel it to! I feel so much better and more awake after I don’t smoke for a few days. Never resetting this addiction again.

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Thank you! I’m sorry to hear about your dad and cant help but think that if I were him that means I’d be parting from my boys lives (in a physical sense at least) when they are 22 and 20 (I’m 39 and they’re 8 & 6). That’s scary and not want I want. Good job on quitting both cigarettes and chew (which I hear is somehow even worse!), I will see those numbers too!

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Oh James There’s no way I could ever leave the forum man, I owe it too much! You know even when I’ve had times of absence from here it’s Because of my baggage and my isolationist tendencies, not the forum. :wink:

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I agree with like everything you just said. I honestly don’t know if I have a chemical affinity for nicotine either! as gums and patches and vaping all have been ineffective! I mean if it was just that chemical I feel like I’d be able to supplement that chemical, but that is clearly not the case. English recently posted about the physiology of an addicted brain and some of those neural pathways changing Along with the phrase “once you’re a pickle you can not become a cucumber again,” which I really liked! So it’s just complete abstinence forever and while I hate absolutes, I hate smoking more.

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I checked out there Alan Carr easy quit drinking and it shifted my perception of alcohol which has been huge in my attempt at recovery this time. I would recommend checking out the easy quit audio book.

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You know I looked at this in the past and then forgot so thank you I will be posting there as well!!

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I’m guilty of the same. Unfortunately, I got myself believing that vaping is not as harmful as cigarettes. I eventually gave up vaping 2 years ago, then went back to it when I gave up drugs and alcohol 8 months ago. I definitely have to give this up and planning to do it when isolation of covid ends.

I bookmarked your thread and I look forward to reading your nightly post. If I don’t see one, I’ll give you a little nudge for an update. Me reminding you will give me inspiration to quit.

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Thank you! As usual I am not surprised by the response of this community but I’m always touched and humbled that “strangers” are so eager to help. :slight_smile: it’s really amazing

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Yeah I’ve switch to vaping and I’ve done black and milds. It’s all death. I went back to smoking when I quit drinking last March. I’m grateful to not drink in my life is indescribably better but somewhere I am still not addressing something. there’s some sort of incompleteness that’s being redirected towards tobacco. You know this process of self bettering and recovery sometimes feels like a cartoon That is trying to stop a dam from breaking and every time they plug one hole another 1 or 2 opens lol. Who knows where this energy will come out next, but if I can at least stop these lethal habits I can build better patterns to possibly live long enough to become a whole person?

When you’re ready I would love to help you quit vaping in any way I can and Thank you! :slight_smile:

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Quitting smoking over 4.5 years, both tobacco and pot, is the best decision I made in my life ever. No joke and no exaggeration. It lead to me quitting drinking too, amongst a load of other good stuff. You’re giving yourself a strong start and a good chance of succeeding Kevin. You obviously invested time in gaining knowledge about nicotine and addiction to it and how to break that addiction. You obviously have gained the right mindset which is black and white. All or nothing. The third component of a successful quit IMO and experience is having a good support group. I hope you are finding that here. I’ll try to give you some support. Success!

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Great letter. You got this bro. I don’t have experience with quitting smokes (I got very lucky when trying out smoking when I was younger. It did literally nothing for me, so I dropped cigarettes before developing a habit because I found smoking to be a ‘boring’ drug), but I’ve heard it can be tough to kick. I believe you can do this though. You’re going to do great.

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I think you were the one that said in a previous thread I posted about quitting that I should do away with “attempting” and “trying” to quit and quit. I liked that and that’s part of me stepping so far out here with this post. I have quit smoking. Thanks man

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