Hope everyone is well. As many of you may know I have had a long problem with tobacco. Starting at 12 I have been a smoker. I have had bouts of freedom from them, but have always come back. The long-term affects of them are becoming more apparent and I know I am reaching the age where I will start seeing more and more of those affects (not to mention the anxiety and nightmares which are worsening now as a front line covid worker). Aside from my health I’ve straight up lied to my children and wife about my smoking, I’ve lied to myself as well, but we all know all the bad things we do as addicts. I recently read about how some (or all idk) recovery programs use a good bye letter to the DOC to help. I initially thought that sounded stupid like I was talking to an object, but I did it anyway cause I’m desperate. afterwards I actually felt like it may have helped/ will help. My plan is to read it every day in the morning and at night among my other sobriety literature. I will post the letter here as I imagine if I was in a traditional support group I would possibly read it to others helping my therapy and hopefully others.
Secondly, I need help with accountability. if it would not be too much trouble could some of the people regularly here ask me on this thread if I am remaining true to my goal in not smoking today. My plan is to hit this thread every night and tell you all that I have not smoked and cigarettes today, but based on my previous failures I really need more than myself for this.
We are done. I can no longer have you in my life. For some reason I have felt compelled to smoke. In my mind there may have been an image of a smoker that I identified with, a type of person I thought was like me. Then a ritual that I completed at night which I thought helped me, but I know it doesn’t. The association with you and pot is over too. I have no excuses for you to come back into my life, whether or not I smoke pot again is a different choice, but you are forever out. We are done. I can never smoke another cigarette. The accumulating damage you are doing to my body is obvious. My lungs are not as good as they use to be and they are worsening. Smoking will mean a trach and immobility, then death. Rationalizing my use with my current decent health is a fools errand and I am lying to myself by justifying smoking. The reality is that I’m winded on my runs and during workouts, badly. I have used an inhaler to compensate for my runs which has helped me feel better for hours afterwards and this change in my regular breathing is a sign of the inevitable. I have nightmares where I can’t breath and others where I’m being Vader choked then wake up panicked… and yet I’ve always come back. For YEARS I’ve dealt with anxiety from knowing you will humiliate me and kill me colliding with my action of smoking, but that is over. forever. no more, not one more cigarette. Im also tired of being a consumer. Endlessly trying to fill myself with things to make me feel better because you have never satisfied me. Its true. You have not really ever helped me, but I’m so self deprecating that I think this passive action of self harm feels comfortable. At best the low Oxygen levels you create when I chain smoke is probably why I feel tired when I smoke at the end of the night. You don’t offer relaxation and you know it. Only death. You’re a snake in the grass and I hate you. I have chosen life. I know you will try relentlessly to get me to invite you back into my life, but I will not. The thought of my loss of living and then death is disturbing and I will not have my family witness that or start smoking themselves. you see I have a life that you don’t care about. You pretend to, but you only want more of you. You give zero fucks about me or my suffering. I am an example to my children, they see me as a king and I want to live like a king, but a king can not submit to another and claim autonomy… autonomy as I stand in the freezing rain outside by the garbage cans hiding in shame from everyone or suffocating during a run?!? That’s slavery and you know it, fuck you. You don’t get to leverage my situation against me anymore. My work day is no longer your concern. My finances, my happiness, not one inch of the spectrum is yours anymore. I have too much going for me to use up any of my bandwidth on you anymore. When you come around (and I’m sure you fuckin will), I’m going to pass you up, pester my higher power cause I’m done here. And I’m never coming back. I will never smoke another cigarette again. Goodbye, go fuck yourself and I will no longer be neutral about you in general anymore. I want you off of the planet. I am giving up my humor about you. I will not joke about wanting ashtrays at work or comment mentally or outloud about how I love you. Thats over, fuck you. Every part of my existence is against you.
- My View: is that the consequence of ANY interaction with you is death, humiliating death.
- My Resolve: I will walk the path without the suffering you bring.
- My Speech: Will always reference you with disdain, not even a positive hypothetical joke in your direction.
- My Conduct: I will not smoke.
- My Livelihood: Already shows me your lethality, there’s only death with you.
- My Effort: I have a lot of changes I have to do and am doing to rid myself of you. Every part of my brain you have weaseled your way into will be removed and I will build in its place a wholesome, sustaining shrine to life. You will not ever come back.
- My Mindfulness: I am painfully aware of how much influence you have in my mind and it is through my awareness that I will beat you. No more complacency towards you, fuck you.
- My Samadhi: All of my meditative consciousness currently and from now on will be tightening my life up to choke you out. I choose life and happiness over you.
You are not strong, I have made you strong in my life. I was wrong and I can not continue to live in your disgusting presence anymore. Goodbye and Good riddens.
Whatever it takes to never smoke another cigarette again is what I will do.
Thank you all for reading and for the help with accountability. I know this forum and if it can help me remain sober from alcohol for 14 months (and counting) I believe it’ll help me do this. God Bless y’all. #OneLove