I relapsed on pills today. The one keeping me clean from self injury and pills is the love of my life. I’d do anything for him and we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together. But today the flashbacks and suicidal thoughts got to be too much and i took a bunch of pills to get high. I knew it was a mistake but i couldn’t stop myself. I told him, because Im supposed to check in with him and tell him these things. He yelled at me, but in a way i needed to be yelled at. He loves me a lot, and wasnt mad. I needed it. I went on a month long bender in march and im trying to get clean. This is the last time I’ll do pills to get high. I’ll get over this.
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Good on you for being honest. Our emotions run high sometimes, and I’m sure his expression was from a place of love. It’s good he is supporting you through this 
I’m also trying to mend a relationship with my partner and through the ups and downs of sobriety (or trying to get sober) it’s hard for someone to understand what’s going on! Best of luck, put your heart into it this time around, and do it for your happiness 
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I’m going to be brutally honest because that’s what recovery teaches us and I’m going to speak from my own experience. I could never stay sober for someone else. I had to finally want it so bad for ME, not for my husband, not for my son, but for me. I realized once in recovery that making outside people “responsible” for my recovery was forcing a lot of pressure on them. My addictions were tearing up those closest to me. Of course my husband would get mad at me for relapsing, he had every right to be mad, I filled his life with fear and pain because of my behavior, only to turn around each time and say how sorry I was and that id never do it again…until I did it again. I had to get outside help, got into a recovery program, rehab and I had to want it for me, not him! I could never do this journey by my own will. I had to be taught, in recovery, how to deal with life without running to drugs, alcohol, sex, food, relationships, acting out, etc. I can’t imagine every going back to my old life, but I just have today! My disease waits in the shadows for me to disconnect from God, AA and recovery. Find some outside help, it takes a lot of courage but I have a feeling you’re a pretty tough person! Stay strong, stay sober, stay connected! 
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Good point. I honestly don’t think I would’ve stopped for anyone else either. I wouldn’t have listened and continued in denial that I was fine, my life was manageable and I’m not “one of them.”
My partner did hint a few times that he was concerned about my drinking, but I usually laughed it off…with shots, naturally.
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I do it for him because i have a lot of mental illnesses that destroy my self worth and even entire sense of self. Im so happy and proud that you did all of this for you! But i wouldnt be able to make these choices without a small sense of guilt because i dont give any amount of care towards myself.
@doclalonde, Oliverjava is right, you have to learn to love yourself “learn” being the operative word here. Many of us are taught at an early age from whatever source, that we are not good enough, too fat, too ugly, too sick, too _______! And unfortunately like a beaten dog after so long we just assume these negative things must be true, but they are completely false! So we have to start retraining ourselves to see ourselves as the amazing people that we are by positive reinforcement, and at first that is NOT going to come from within, because we just don’t know how. So we find positive outside ways to change or insides. Music, meditation, therapy, surrounding ourselves with positive people, mantras we tell ourselves everyday until we actually believe them. Thing is, it doesn’t happen overnight, it has to be a lifestyle. The problem that I experienced in my life with putting all my worth and power into another person is that 1) that’s a lot of pressure on them, this expectation that they can save me or prove my worth and 2) that when/if that person leaves, dies, or changes, the worth I attached to them leaves, dies or changes as well and I’m left there with just me and if I don’t think I’m good enough as me then I’ll desperately seek out the next guy/thing/etc to fulfill me…and Im left spinning. Seek professional help if you need to, there’s no shame in that! Saved me for sure. Keep fighting for yourself, no matter what! YOU are worth it!
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So true. You have to hit bottom so bad that being clean is all you want at any cost no matter what it takes