Overcoming addiction has been one of the hardest things I have ever challenged myself to do.
I don’t sit here knowing everything there is to know about addiction, I don’t sit there being a guru as every single person in active addiction and recovery has their own story to tell.
My story of recovery wasn’t straight away, I knew I was an addict and I still carried on, sleeping on a concrete floor didn’t once make me stop! Destroying the family and life I had build didn’t make me want recovery.
I’m reaching a point where I don’t have just hours behind me, I don’t just have days behind me I have months and I reach deep and push myself to get to that point where I want years of recovery behind me.
Active addiction numbed every emotion for me… Where there should of been happy memories there’s me chasing a fucking high as if that was were my happiness was in a drug!
When death came into my life instead of letting myself feel sad, angry and upset I once again seeked out a drug because to me that was better then feeling the tears that I should of allowed to pour out. Through many years I have willingly taken some form of a drug so I didn’t have to feel those emotions that we are meant to feel…
I have through counselling, rehab, talking to others in sobriety dug deep to what I thought I was missing.
I was missing the self love that every person should have for themselves not this awful bad taste that you want out of your mouth feeling… As if I can’t love myself then I don’t deserve love I have gone through years of pushing people away because I wasn’t loving myself.
I was so negative and self critical on myself daily, how can you let any positive shine through if you are constantly over filling your mind and body with so much negativity. I once a day make sure I say/do something good.
I wake up and I thank myself for carrying on, for pushing myself that one last hour in the day even when all of me just wants the burning desire of a drug because when I wake up I’m clean and still doing recovery which is so very important for me on bettering myself.
I am still doing this one and believe it will always be something I shall do, I’m learning to forgive myself as how can I improve myself if all I do is stay stuck in the past. I can’t forget but I can forgive myself and whenever I come across someone from my past I ask for their forgiveness on the destruction I had caused them to see me in such away.
I do this journey selfish as it maybe for myself, no one else, I can’t do this for anyone else I have to prove to myself that I am fucking worth it.
When you are on this road of recovery take your time and learn who you are, learn to cry again, learn to be happy even when it really is an unsettling emotion that you think fuck I shouldn’t be happy and I ask you to learn to love yourself as you should.
I’ve never wanted to give up so much at this point! I’m no good at this emotional shit and it is the first time in quite sometime I feel the rough of this journey of recovery. How do you admit that you want to be totally out of this reality! Like I feel that the gremlins have decided we’ve given it easy mentally. Drained, I’m fed up of going outside and getting the horrific looks because of my tourettes… Im tired of fucking trying to deal with a family who weren’t there for me!
Im on a balancing line… Where I can feel myself accepting that I’m a drug addict who can’t function in life sober… I feel just so detached from trying to keep on the fucking straight.
So many tears!!
So many days of hiding in my bed as I fucking fear I’ll pick up
Oh Danni,
you are being tested beyond everything. Every fucking minute you get thru sober is Olympic gold right now. You can manage life sober. You have proven that every day for the past months in the middle of season that is very trying for those of us who struggled to begin with. This is one tormenting but fleeting moment in your life. This season won’t be forever. Sending you hugs, all the hugs of the world
It’s hard to admit, that you want to be out of this reality. But as for me that was the point I realized, I don’t have anything to lose. And I may not see any light on the sober side, there is one thing for sure and it is dignity.
You have are having a bloody hard time of it - there’s no question. I see it, I acknowledge it, and I don’t ever want to deny you your pain.
Please, just let me also hold up a mirror to who else you are, your words that reflect your spirit and your strength - words that have helped me and so many, and now, I hope - you:
So many tears today. But these tears don’t change who you are nor your words. May the clouds clear soon, beautiful Danni - and until then, we’re here, we hear your tears and today’s words of pain. Stay with us. Big hugs to you.
Hey sweet lady, The way I see it is even though you are on the line…you reached out. To me this means you want to stay on this side of the line with us. Girrlll… I am so impressed by you, and you are not alone in navigating these damn emotions. When you start feeling the negative emotions thats just your subconcious trying to get your attention that your thoughts are not going down the path that YOU want for yourself. Listen to them, they are actually trying to help. When you start to feel the fear, its no longer you heart guiding you down your path.
As for other peoples reactions. Yeah, people create their own realities with their behaviors, and I for one am happy to not have to live in their realities!
I want to remind you that you are a radiant woman who is not defined by a negative label. You are amazing and wonderful and so much stronger than you realize.
That’s all of us here Danni. I’m glad you are here with us. Together we learn how to deal with this emotional shit. Alone addiction drags us back in. Together it’s still tough as hell but we can make it. Screaming crying cursing yes. Not the fake illusion of escape by using. That’s just a black hole of isolation and death. Stay with us sweet friend. Hugs.
Just wanted to say I am so proud of you! You inspire me every day.
I went back and read my old posts from when I first started on TS and all the internal battles I went through. I think if you went back and saw how far you have come … its nuts. I hope you find strength in remembering how incredibly strong you are!! We have to keep pushing on. Even our down days are a million times better than our down days as an addict.
For me I think I had to remind myself its okay to not be okay. Remind myself to take a break from all the worrying and caring what others think. Then when I am ready, I am gonna get back up and slay the day! LOL maybe today is the day.
Dear Danni. You’ve gone through so much. But you are a fighter. And how we fight looks different for everyone. Sometimes it’s lying under blankets, I do that a lot, lol. I have faith in you, you got this. Feel free to pm if need be!!
The connection I get from all of you in unreal!!
I sat with my demons and I did what I do best… I got practical and cleaned the flat and brought some furniture!!
Sorry @CapriciousCapricorn this was meant to be on my topic…
know it’s not Alot but this is my first time being just able to afford a new sofa and coffee table…
New bed coming soon but love my shoe rack and I have to many trainers…
New TV ordered, just deciding on what colour to go through the place and I’ll get new curtains
So yeah…
Nice!! Putting money into new furniture is so much more rewarding than drugs. I found the high lasts much longer. I’m really proud of you Danni. You’ve been dealing with a boat loat of shit. Praying for some peace in your life.
Very cool!! Love your new sofa. You are setting up a wonderful place for yourself. So deserved!!!
I’m fairly new to TS so don’t know your story. But, oh man…others here do. I feel the love for you loud and clear. You have touched others it is clear. I’m in your corner…hoping for peace for you…
I want to share a story of my past, something I’ve refused to talk about as I’m ashamed
do not read on if sexual violence, physical violence and verbal violence are a trigger
I can openly admit I have been homeless in my life, that substances got hold of me such much that I was chucked out and rightly so for my behaviour and my drug taking. I was at a point in my life where I did not care anymore, I’d had no contact with my family for over 6 years, I still had the the words of what my auntie had said of just fucking die racing through me, I still had I am nothing to no one deeply sketched in my mind and thou I had a relationship I found it hard to connect when I had so many people who were meant to love me not there… My step father passed away and I just didn’t cope, I never got to spend time with him at the end. It fucked me up and I believed it was all my fault, if only I’d stayed pretending to be straight but alas I couldn’t do that to myself what a selfish act I have always felt.
My drug taking was so apparent and my partner was told kick her out etc… I couldn’t let another person lose a family just for the sake of me… I was in a city I really didn’t know and I remember just going to pick up and thinking ill deal with where to live tomorrow, I choose drugs because I couldn’t deal with the rejection and hate I had for myself… I soon found a spot under a bridge where I thought I’d be okay to sleep, I’d go to the local gyms for a wash and thank fuck for primark where I could get basic clothes cheap…
… I kept using for roughly 2 months you start to get failar with the people who are sleeping rough like you, you know you can get food for the soup kitchens and warmth in a library during the day…
I’d never felt cold like I had sleeping at nights, you never get over that feeling of being wet through and nowhere just to get dry and feel human. I felt strip of it all and then something happened, it gave me the fright and the fight to my first time trying to be clean…
I was in the line waiting for some food and a lunch pack for the next day never have I ever felt so thankful for these guardians who took time out and had prepped food for us… Always so thankful this one night there was a guy who had hounded me for a fair few weeks to have intercourse with him… Even on the streets women get close to man so they have a safety blanket and to feel a human connection as you feel you are not worth looking at by other people.
The look of disgust of you beg it does just powerful stuff to your worth but you need your fix.
He would grab me and push me and tell me outright infrpnt of others that he would have his way… I started to really panic and the what ifs were so strong… It came one night where he had followed me back to where I was sleeping… I fought as hard as I could but I will never forget that feeling of a needle been pinned to my neck… What came next was an assault that woke me up, I knew I needed to get out of sleeping rough, I remember going to a hostel at 8.30 at night… Covered in a mixture of fluids and remember seeing the support workers face… The only words thta came out was I need to feel safe…
I went into this hostel and thou it was mildly better you had to learn to fight or everything you had on you was taken by someone bigger.
I did 8 months at 3 different hostiles, I will always be thankful for the support staff who always tried there best and its where I first heard your an addict.
