Yes I am right there with you. Keep the faith
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It’s a strange feeling, to be so aware that I’m doing this alone.
The past week was an extreme for me, as last week we had to handle an emergency concerning my kids, who are currently physically very far from me. My husband went to take care of them, and all is well, thank God 
But the quiet recovery that I already carried with me became even quieter because I’m alone in the house and no friends are around. At all. Everyone I’m close to is away.
I’m going to work, of course, so there is that. But I’ve spent what seems like countless quiet hours sober. Thinking. Worrying. Taking care of things around the house. Walking the dog. Reaching out to family far away. Thinking some more. Telling the voice that says “I could have a drink and relax” to shut up.
I’m not sure it is a bad thing - just very uncomfortable when you are not used to. It’s probably about time I learn to be alone but not lonely. I think I knew how to be that way a long time ago. It’s time to remember that.
So yes, feeling lonely today. But hopeful that something good will come out of this, something that will make me understand myself better. I hope.
This forum helps. I hope it helps you in your journey too, Claire. If you need any support, just say so 
Here for you
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I’ve not heard of this and now I am realising how these four things really do govern my mood and ability to handle things. Thank you for sharing.
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Hello @Bluetiger_221 and hi to @Dazercat thanks for bumping this thread.
Trigger Warning… possibly, not sure if need to put out the Trigger Warning, long vent/rant/post coming…
I need to make an effort to use it more often. Halt, that is. Also I need/want to not simply notice that all the "symptoms" hit me, probably daily, but, work on fixing things, daily, which even going one day at a time, my, anger, for example, makes an appearance thinking didn't I just do this, yesterday and the day before too, you know what I mean. Sigh.
So today I was L.onely. Adjusting to living alone still, it can be both good and bad, sometimes the L.onely is ok, other times wow, get me out of my L.onely head, Please. So I called my mom, texted with my sister. Went and visited a friend and played some Nintendo switch. Never played one of those before. A small victory.
I made a hotdog for dinner cause I was H.ungry, I rarely cook now, sometimes I miss it, well, maybe not the cooking but the food. So ya H.ungry is, Gratefully, easy to deal with now that I work and don’t spend all my time and money chasing drugs, booze, sex, etc.
(Fuck, fuckity, fuck dang it, sShit, still spending some time and money, fuckity fuck ing crappie shit and stuff and things ahhhh)
There have certainly been times in my life that I was H.ungry and couldn’t do anything about it but starve, or go steal some food.
So I have been thinking about posting a longish rant here because, well, I have been relapsing on and off for fucking months now. I am a few weeks sober and a few weeks cigarette free, but, drugs have a hold of me again. So, a rant here because it helps me, and sometimes others and I can say whatever the fuck I want on this thread, without fear of derailing, offending and stuff. Having Angry in the desciption/title/thread name? makes me feel like its an appropriate place to vent. And I will try to give fair warning if I get too drug specific, too angry, too bitter, too much of a racist, thief and liar, see this shit, words have power, learning these things about ourselves in recovery and attempting to come to terms with them, change them and learn nee habits is exhausting, more, T.ired now. I feel bad about me, again now and need to dig out some positive, words with power. I am capable, confident and charming. Little better. Thankfully we can learn the opposites to some of our negative traits while working the twelve steps, recovery, therapy maybe. I know I did and need to work on maintaining healthy habits.
I am T.ired, recovery(fuck why am I saying recovery fuck, Im high now for fuck sakes, probably shouldn’t be posting, dang it to heck) work, school, faith, family, health issues, it all adds up. Had a shower and a nap earlier. T.ired again though , have more to say or add to this post but I’m going to try and rest.
God bless you all.
& 
P.s. Smile and breathe, it feels good and you are worth it. Ya you!!
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Thanks very much needed that
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Have missed you in the gratitude thread 
I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling, Brian. But you need to know that your username has been an inspiration to me from day 1 in TS (believe me, there were LOADS of day 1s…) I can We can. It’s the most perfect truth.
I felt at the verge of slipping this past weekend. After almost 8 months. For what? being angry, lonely and tired. Hungry too, come to think about it. The solution at that point (even though it’s the last thing I wanted) was to find someone to talk to. It helped.
Talk here, talk in real life…you know the drill. Take your time. The journey is unique for each of us. Would make my heart really full to have you 100% back one of these days Ya you!
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@I.cant.We.can I’ve been thinking about you lately, Brian. I sure hope you get back to posting on a regular basis soon. No shame in what’s happened. That’s in the past my friend. 
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I want to hop on this thread and say HALT again saved me from picking up. I did not even notice, but I WAS hungry and thirsty after working outdoor. Made a nice dinner and a pot of tea. Cravings disappeared. I’m grateful for HALT 
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This acronym pretty much describes my present life experience right now, no wonder I feel off. A much appreciated reminder, and heads up my friend, thankyou. 
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Here’s another acronym
F…alse
E…vidence
A…ppearing
R…eal
It has been my experience with the 12 steps and steps 4&5 in particularly that a fear is at the root
of my anger.
In my experience this 4th&5th step is usually the hurdle many seeking long term sobriety stumble and trip on.
Sure it is valuable to express an anger and see it and admit it.
Though if I do not dig and dig to the root fear that created it, it probably/will rear it’s ugly head again.
(Like a blackberry vine)
Fears can manifest in so many ways and it seems us alcoholic/addicts are Master manipulators and can hardly admit our fears Honestly.
There are many easier softer ways.
I’ve tried them, but always the angst of Living sober leads me back to digging at these fears that lead to all manner of selfishness and self-centeredness.
I’ve seen this disease kill many and many not to be seen again, unknown if they are sober, using or dead.
I was lucky in that the people in the rooms of AA that I associated with lead into working the steps.
Then lead me back into working the steps.
So today I have a process that leads me to my root fears so I can use my set of Spiritual tools I have accumulated.
I can only speak from my own experience, and share what others have shared with me.
This thing has not got me yet.
I continue with all the Honesty and Willingness and Acceptance I can muster on a daily basis.
Just say’n what has worked for me and your free to take anything away from this you see useful and leave the rest.
PEACE
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Just a reminder to myself and others to keep from getting halt-ish.
It works if you work it, so work it you’re worth it
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I link here an important post about stages of relapses. HALT has a core role in relapse prevention.
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