My questions to the forum is, how did you guys “come out” about your choice to recover?
I have posted a few times about conversations I’ve had with my husband and mom that have gone poorly. I have started going to AA and the only people who know (besides you all) is my husband and a close friend. Haven’t told my mom or other family.
Tonight I really needed to talk about what I had experienced in AA and how I was feeling about my choice and after a while, I realized that this is hard for my husband to accept. When I started talking about this forum, it was a way to reach my short term goal of sobriety during Lent. But now I am showing that a sober life is what I really want by going to meetings. That means that our relationship is changing, not necessarily in a bad way, just changing. It means that we are separate in this one thing. We love doing everything together. Not having the other around for some social occasions is a tough pill to swallow.
This seems like a bad thing at first, but really it means that we are breaking our co-dependence. It means that the devil doesn’t have a foothold there. Because, trust me when I say that that piece of shit uses alcohol to fuck over my life. I won’t let him here. I love my family too much and it’s okay if it uncomfortable for a little while. I hope that my husband decides to make this journey with me one day because he has expressed interest, but he isn’t ready yet. And that is okay.
I am holding off on telling my mom about AA. I have a feeling it will start an emotional shit storm as she is struggling with alcohol as well. I don’t want it to seem like I am trying to get her to go to AA or admit she’s alcoholic or force into a decision she isn’t ready for. You know? I’m not ready yet. Anyone have advice or similar experiences?
Honestly, it is embarrassing to admit you have a problem. When I told my friends and family about my drinking problem I was lucky, they were all supportive because they saw how I was struggling. The people who are positive influences, that truly love you unconditionally will be supportive of your decisions no matter what. Most people understand that you are doing this to better your life and it’s a personal decision, and they will respect it. That being said you are under no obligation to share personal information if you don’t want to, I did share my goals with loved ones because I needed the support.
Actually @cantayma, I think you’re on the right path. You tell people who you think need to know whenever you’re comfortable. This is your sobriety so cater it to fit your needs to get the most out of it. Everyone around me knows because basically I don’t care to hide it…it’s part of my lifestyle. Yes, it may make some people uncomfortable but that says more about them and not you. We are responsible for our own words and actions but we’re not responsible for how others take it. You just keep doing you and things will naturally fall into place.
The way I see it, why should I inform anyone around me of something I’m not doing?? I had to tell my immediate family - wife and 2 adult children, because they asked me to get help. Nobody outside of that even knew I had a problem (or anyone I know of) and even if they did, I feel no need to notify them of my efforts.
I don’t think you have to tell your mom anything you’re not ready to tell her. You’re a grown up, she’s a grown up, and it sounds like you have good reasons to be discreet about this with her. It also sounds as if you’re being really smart and thoughtful about your changing relationship with your husband.
My mom visited me recently. I’ve always had at least a glass of wine in the evening, pretty much every evening of my adult life – of course often more than one glass. She has, duh, known me a long time. This time, we spent the evening together, I gave her wine, and I had my fizzy water. But she said NOT ONE WORD about my not drinking. Clearly, she felt she’d be threatened by opening up the conversation. She doesn’t like change, she doesn’t like problems, she doesn’t like open communication. I know all that already. I didn’t push it by talking to her about it; I knew it would go nowhere good. I think it’s OK not to share unless you want to.
@cantayma, I came across This as I was reading here on Talking Sober. A therapist here and I thought maybe this could help you with some of your questions. Cuz I don’t have an answer for your question. My mom knew, my husband didn’t, but my mom did so I hope this helps you.
I had to tell my immediate family - wife and 2 adult children, because they asked me to get help. Nobody outside of that even knew I had a problem (or anyone I know of) and even if they did, I feel no need to notify them of my efforts.