I used to be a daily drinker with my wife. It took me 3 years of on and off trying to stay sober and i kept getting back into it because that is what the wife and i did together. I am 106 days sober and at this point a drink is the last thing i want! However i am truly struggling as my wife still drinks 5 days a week and it is so repulsive. Anyone have advice for a path foreward?
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Glad you’re here with us! Many of us are affected by loved ones who drink/use/are addicted etc.
This is a great supportive thread you may want to check out.
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Hi this may be of some help to you
There are many people here in this same situation as you. Maybe have a read around the above and you can also use the search bar to search for more threads you feel are relevant to your situation.
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Hey Jeff. I see you got some good threads sent your way about a spouse that drinks.
I started one of them. It’s kind of my journey. It’s the one Salty gave you.
So, my wife and I drank together forever! Like 38 years. 
When I turned 60 it was time for me to stop. I found this app and I hid it from her for a week or 2. Then I came clean. I told her I was STOPPING. I had had enough poison. I had tools after dealing with 2 children who put us through hell with their addictions. We had a good honest talk and she supports my sobriety. But she’s also made it clear. She’s gonna drink!! And she’s drank almost every day of my sobriety for 3 years now.
Some days it’s hard. Real hard. The more sober time I got the more her drinking bothered me. At first I was too busy focusing on my sobriety for the first year. It didn’t bother me so much. I detached from her. Mostly with unhealthy resentment. But I had the lovely support of some great people here on this app that help me a lot.
I had plenty of Al-Anon tools because of my children. Have you heard of AlAnon? My life finally became unmanageable 7 months ago and I finally got my ass back into the rooms of Al-Anon. With tears. Tears of relief. I cried a lot those first few meetings.
Anyway…… she’s drinking wine daily. Use to be cocktails. I’m going to Al-Anon meetings twice a week and I’m sober 3 years.
I didn’t cause it.
I can’t control it.
I can’t cure it.
If I’m taking her inventory. Which I do daily. Fuck. Hourly. And focus on her drinking. I’m not taking care of myself. I’m learning. But I’m not going back to drinking about it. Sometimes I do think it would get be easier if I went back to drinking. But the reality is. It wouldn’t be easier. I love my sobriety and it and I are worth it.
I hope to see you around.
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Thank you for sharing. We have very similar situations here. I find myself.counting my spouses wine bottles hidden… It has been am uphill battle trying to stay sober wity her not on board quitting. I do have a 11yr old son which is very difficult… However I am considering leaving my spouse so i can provide a better.enviromemt for.my son. My wife is a desent mom,.not abusive by any means. Just really want to get my son away from the exposure of mom drinking all the time.
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Gosh. That’s got to be really tough with an 11 year old. And the fact your wife is hiding bottles. There is also Al-Ateen. But I don’t know if that is appropriate or not for an 11 year old. That is a tough spot to be in.
One of the Moderators on here @Lisa07 She also struggled with a spouse that drank. I remember her always saying she wasn’t going to make any decisions like leaving until she had a year of sobriety under her belt. I’m not sure why but I’ve never forgotten her saying that. I don’t know. It just made sense to me.
Have you tried Al-Anon? You can find meetings at AlAnon.org. Going to in person meetings has saved my life. My children are all grown up and moved out. It’s just the 2 of us. I’ve decided after 40 years of marriage this year, I could never leave her. I wouldn’t leave her if it was cancer or MS. But when you got an 11 year old it’s got to make it so much harder.
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Welcome Jeff! Glad you found us. The support here on the forum is amazing.
I was in a similar circumstance with my husband. When I got sober, he refused to stop. We have a daughter with special needs that was subject to his daily drinking. I had to set boundaries and stick to them. No alcohol around our child. I couldn’t stop him from bringing into our home but it had to be confined to his bedroom (we had separate rooms because I wasnt about to jeopardize my sobriety). Also, he wasn’t allowed to care for our child while under the influence.
I thought about leaving but I also wanted to give him a chance to jump onboard the sobriety train. I gave him a year. That first year was hard with all the changes that come with sobriety, so I didn’t want to make any decisions I couldn’t live with for a lifetime.
He tried getting sober at my one year mark but kept failing. I stayed only because I saw the effort and I know how difficult it is to fight this disease. It took him another 10 months before it finally stuck. Now he’s a year and half sober and our family dynamics are better than ever.
Only you know what’s best for your situation but I’m here to support you along your journey. Wishing you the best!
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I was planning on giving it some time. I really appreciate the support!
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Sure. My pleasure.
Seems like I’m always around. I like to start my day on the gratitude thread.
Great bunch of people on there.
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Have you confronted her about how repulsive her drinking is?
I have told her it is makes things difficult with her always drinking. So, not as direct, but i am at that point.
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Hard talks are hard, but necessary. Being honest with our partner about our concerns, our feelings, our relationship as a whole is important. I know it is easier to just let it all slide, but if we can muster the strength to really discuss where we are at, it can be healing.
I have found writing things out so that I can discuss them with less emotionality helpful. It helps to lead with love and concern, if that is what you feel.
One of our therapists years ago drilled into us to only have these important discussions when we were both clear, rested, not stressed, not hungover or drinking…and that was a game changer for us both. Sometimes setting aside a set time can be helpful.
It doesn’t have to be an adversarial discussion. But being honest about how their drinking is effecting you, children, the relationship is important. As always, the question is do you want to continue moving forward together and if so, how does that look to you both.
It is a lot, I know. Wishing you strength and peace.
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