I am wondering if it is possible to stay with someone who struggles as much as I do. My boyfriend and I started dating last May. Before then, I was already addicted to marijuana. Since then, we have both become alcoholics. We enable each other and purposely ignore what’s really been going on. I have literally broke down crying, begging for his help to stop this disease, but I don’t think he wants help or to stop as much as I do. We have tried going sober together a couple times now and always end up in the same place. Last time, we decided it was ok to start drinking again just because it was our anniversary. “Just tonight”, he said, “then we can go back to not drinking. Or only drinking on special occassions.” I knew it was a bullshit excuse at the time, but hey, I wanted a drink, so I went with it. Here we are a month later and save for today and yesterday I can’t even remember when I was last sober. Time before last, my step father offered him a shot of moonshine and I didn’t discourage him to drink it in fear of letting my parents know about my problem, so there we went again. We’re toxic.
I told him yesterday I wanted to stop drinking again. He seemed pretty indifferent about it. Today, he asked me to have one last bottle of gin with him tonight. I am currently reading a book, “12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos” (which I strongly recommend to all of you, it is already changing my life) and had just read the chapter/rule about having friends who only want the best for you. So I respectfully declined, but then got to thinking. Does he want the best for me? Am I the best for him? Would we be able to better ourselves easier apart? I brought this idea up to him, and he was actually understanding and even agreed. Forward a couple of hours and he is suddenly calling my idea “retarded” and asking me to take tonight to think about if this is really what I want. He swears we can help each other get over this. But I have already been through this with him twice. Will he actually do it differently this time? Have any of you been through this sort of situation and have some words of wisdom? If I wasn’t crazy about the guy, I think the answer would be pretty obvious. But I do love him, and so does my daughter. We’re a family now and other than this issue, things are good between us. I just want to do what’s right, and what will be best for the both of us…
I apologise profusely for the wall of text and appreciate if anyone actually read it. I am definitely seeking advice, but it did help just to put my thoughts into words. I’ve made life changing decisions several times before without consulting with anyone, and always seem to regret it. Thank you in advance for any help I may receive.
Sounds like y’all might need some time apart to get your life together and sober. If he isn’t willing to accept your need of change from the booze to improve your life than yeah it might be toxic for y’all to be together…right now. Y’all might need to go away to separate rehabs to put everything together and realize what’s best for each other.
I was in a relationship with someone that was very toxic because all she wanted to do was get high and drink! I tried stopping many time because of my health but she would threaten to leave me if I got sober, so I kept drinking and using. I loved her very much and couldn’t see myself without her but unfortunately she one day overdosed and passed away. I didn’t learn right there and then that I needed to stop as well or else I was going to end up the same way but I do realize now that I was going down a very bad path. It’s surprising that I’m not dead!
Eh, walls of text aren’t that uncommon around here, no worries lol. I’ve been in both situations b4, its definitely not easy to quit when it’s in the house and in ur face, but then again on the opposite end I have found a way to sneak booze around the house; a bottle in the bottom nightstand drawer, a full on bar stashed in the garage, etc… and drink with a girlfriend who launched full beer cans at my head when she caught me. We alcoholics will find a way to drink one way or another until we really decide enough is enough. That being said the heart is a loaded gun thrown into the mix with any addiction, I have found it considerably easier to work on my own recovery right by myself…there isnt the risk of relapse because my partner is doing it in front of me and offering it, and there isnt the pressure of having to live up to someone else’s expectations. I have all the time in the world to process my own thoughts and worry about what I need to do for myself without having to be concerned with someone else. Sounds selfish as hell I know but so is addiction, only seems fitting the same thing that drove us to insanity be what sets us free lol. I’m certainly not shooting down the concept of love either it can be a powerful motivator, but early recovery requires a hell of a lot of self reflection and learning and the solo route has worked the best for me so far. U really need to weigh ur love and the seriousness/quality of the relationship against the risk of relapsing for months at a time as u said…is it worth it or healthy for either of you to stay together?
I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine. It’s wonderful that you are not gone as well, though, and I am so glad you have found your way to recovery. I appreciate your input, even if it may have not been what I wanted to hear. I do think you’re probably right, but it isn’t going to make it any easier for me to make this change
Change isn’t easy, recovery isn’t easy if it was everyone would do it. But if your willing to work it and make the change worth it for you and your loved ones you can do it!
I don’t think you’re being selfish. You’ve got to do it the way it works for you, even if that means leaving some people behind. You are the one responsible for your own well being. I’m afraid I might have to use the same tactic. I keep hoping that if I do end this, I will be able to lead by example and hopefully improve both of our lives. It is a very serious relationship, but no, I don’t think it is healthy right now and I have so much doubt it would be any different this time around… Maybe once we both get our lives back on track it can be…
This really sucks, I kind of figured this was the kind of response I would get, but I didn’t figure hearing it would hurt so much. Thank you so much for sharing, you have helped more than you may realize. And good luck on your journey. Let’s stay strong
I worry my guy would act the same way if we were to try this again. There are so many red flags. Did your ex know the reason you left? Did it not motivate him to change? That is really what I’m going for with this whole thing, because I want nothing more than for both of us to be better… I think I would have an even harder time leaving if I thought he would just keep on going this way.
Thanks for the hugs, right back at you. And you’re right - we all deserve better. I guess it is my duty as a mother to make sure my child and I are as healthy, happy and safe as can be. I just hope she doesn’t end up resenting me for taking away her “best friend”.
I was going to mention that as well, maybe seeing the positive impact sobriety has on you will inspire him. Just a warning tho, dont let that be a main goal or expectation of your own sobriety, hes the only person that can make him sober, u cant will it. I know it sucks to hear something like that but yeah, sometimes thats just how it goes. gotta do what u gotta do to improve you and if it’s meant to be down the road when you have a more firm grip on life then itll happen. Think of sobriety like u would a highly lucrative job opportunity ud have to move 2000 miles away to take…if he couldnt or wouldnt go with you would you stay or go? Discuss it thoroughly with him as well, let him know where you’re at and how you’re feeling and make him weigh it himself. If he cant find it in himself to at least not do it in front of you and stop trying to influence you to do it with him that’ll give u a little insight into his relationship with you vs his relationship with alcohol and which is more important to him…
Exactly…i have been that same asshole before and when the arguments got heated “fuck you I’ll do what I want” ended up being my default defensive position as well and the whole time I felt absolutely horrible for it, but as long as she stuck around I wasnt going to change. In the end it wasnt healthy for her to stay and put up with being treated that way, it wasnt healthy for me to be rewarded for my continued bad behavior, and it certainly wasnt healthy for her son to be exposed to it on a daily basis…his biological dad was already a drug addict/alcoholic, being at moms house should have been his safe haven from that kind of influence and it wasnt. Splitting up had significant benefits for both of us, and to offer u a ray of hope on the maybe down the road idea jess: I moved a couple states away and while there hasn’t been any rekindling of the relationship the ex in this situation and I have become pretty close friends, both of us walking away was just one more motivator on the list of reasons for me to get my shit together. While hers wasnt alcohol she had some addictions that did their damage to our relationship as well so it was for her too and now we both are working on our problems. when we need a little extra support we call or text each other and when I’m in town occasionally we have dinner and I sit around playing video games with her son for hours lol I certainly dont regret having met her at all and I’d go through it all again to get the same result, I’m a better person because of everything we went through and if u guys decide that’s the only way to fix the problem hopefully itll work out that way for the both of you too
I’m an alcoholic and married to an alcoholic. While we were drinking, absolutely toxic. Verbal, physical, emotional abuse run rampant on both sides. We got sober together and it was tenuous and fragile for a bit but has gotten so much better, so much healthier. I’m not sure we’d be together if it was just one of us sober, I know I wouldn’t be able to deal/handle the temperament of her while she was actively drunk or during the interim. I made the decision early on to put my sobriety above everything, including her, she did the same. As we dried out and worked on ourselves it mended our relationship, made it really stronger and better than it ever was.
I’d suggest putting your sobriety above all else, including him. If you want to be sober, and he doesn’t he continually drag you back down and try to get you onto his level because codependency is a bitch. If you being sober includes leaving, I’d strongly consider it. I’d also suggest an active program of recovery such as AA, SMART recovery, celebrate recovery or IOP groups geared for addiction because you’re gonna have to learn to get comfortable with being you without alcohol and that’s a tough task.
I was just about to mention how terrible of a boyfriend I was when I was drinking. Not sure why anyone would want to date me. I thought I was being a good boyfriend but in reality I was an angry drunken mess. Now I’m just a mess.
You have some good replies here. I think you know the answer as well…or at least what you seem to be working toward. My husband still drinks, and he supports my sobriety, but it was a LONG road to get where I am.
It sounds to me like you are spreading your wings and reaching for your best self and you know, it sounds like your guy is dragging you the fuck down. I hear you wanting to be your best you and him, not so much. Life is too short to spend with someone who drags you down. It is hard enough getting sober on your own, having someone berating or challenging your goals sucks.
I guess I sound harsh and I am sorry for that. I so often see young people on here who remind me of all the stupid choices I made or didn’t make or all the time (aka life) I wasted trying to fix the unfixable. As an elder, I say go for your best self now…take that chance on YOU. Make your life one you are proud of. You so deserve it.
Thank you guys so much for your advice. I know for sure now what I need to do for myself, and @Neighbrofthebeast668 you have given me some hope for his future as well. I think I will be able to live with myself if we do happen to end up in a similar situation as you and your ex. And if not, y’all have helped me realize that it isn’t really my problem, but his. I have done what I can to try and help him, I think this may be the final attempt… Gotta start living life for me now, which will not be an easy thing, but I think I’m ready for it. I’ve literally not been single since I was about 14 or 15. Before my boyfriend I dated and was married to my child’s father for over 7 years. I left him for very similar reasons and he is actually doing wonderful now, so that gives me a little hope as well. I have no idea what independence feels like and I’m scared out of my mind, but also a little excited to finally change my life for the better.
Again, I really appreciate all the great responses. You guys are seriously awesome and I have enjoyed lurking around this site for a while, but I think I’ll probably be asking for help a lot more often now that I have hardly any support
I appreciate the vote of confidence, but I was not good, at all. I yelled, stormed out, was constantly fucked up, constantly broke. I stole shit. Got arrested. would disappear for days. Pretty standard for an alcoholic and addict. Batshiat crazy for a normal person lol
You can do this and at this time, you need to focus on you. When I got sober, I did it for me, he didn’t want to follow but he did because he knew if I got my shit together and he didn’t, I wasn’t staying. He has only drank twice since I got sober, but we have no real relationship outside of the booze fueled one we created when we moved in together. Focus on you, making sure you are the person YOU want to be and the right things will fall into place while the wrong ones will ultimately go away.
So I actually just made the decision to leave my current relationship because he didn’t want to stop drinking. He didn’t believe he had a problem with alcohol just me. We did try where I was the only one who stopped. It just didn’t work out for us. You need to sit and think what’s important to and what you want. If he isn’t going to support you then he’s not good for you.
Please feel free to message me if you want to talk more about this. You’re not alone.
This is just my experience.
I’ve seen it go both ways, but this is how it went for me.
My relationship was based on getting fucked up. I mean dont get me wrong, I was in love. But love just wasnt enough… We were toxic for each other! We were never on the same page with getting sober. Like I’d want to get sober one day, but not him. Hed want to get sober the next, I wouldnt. We were both really selfish people looking back at it. It was a big lesson learned…
With that being said. I’ve also seen people in recovery get together and it work out. But they had took the time to work on themselves! That’s the big difference… they took the time to work on themselves. You cant fet him sober! Hell get you fucked up before you get him sober. I’ve seen it time and time again.
From what you wrote. It doesnt sound like he truely is ready to be sober. Sounds like you are ready though… so maybe take a break from the relationship to work on yourselves for a little bit. No one says you cant get back together! No one says the split has to be permanent. Maybe once he realizes your serious, hell change. But dont put expectations on it either. Because theres a chance he might not. My ex didnt change and we split for good. Best decision I ever made hands down though. Looking back at it, we were both really super sick people. I got clean and sober, he ended up I prison. Goes to show where this disease will take you… it’s sad but its the truth.
Hope this helps.
Haha, nope nothing wrong with being pessimistic about it, I didnt mean to come off sounding like I was implying he would. A lot of people dont and are content to live that life til they die…“give me my favorite thing and fuck u if u try and stop me” lol I changed primarily because it became obvious the dying was gonna come sooner rather than later if I didnt. It certainly didn’t happen right after we split and I didnt do it for her, I was still content with being that asshole in pursuit of my favorite thing, but since I have seen the fault in that logic she has become a motivator in the sense that I felt horrible for the way I treated her and that was one more thing on a long list I needed to atone for.
I will say this though…not that u need to rush right back to him if he does, and u certainly did the right thing by removing itself from that situation… I am a carpenter myself i know how that goes, wed make our first liquor store run of the day otw to the first jobsite. I had about a 20 year affair with alcohol and pretty close a 15 year one with heroin and painkillers that the word love doesn’t even begin to describe and a plenty of people in my life said I would never change and getting up every morning just to prove them wrong puts a smile on my face lol. Dont feel bad about being pessimistic, if you’ve told him that flat out then one of 2 things will happen: either itll make him feel even shittier for continuing that lifestyle and proving you right, or itll motivate him to get his shit together, either one is a good thing
