I am in a relationship with someone I met in rehab. We are both aware of the advice against doing this however we both feel strong in our recovery, we are not co-dependent and both have our own lives and are actively working hard and doing the right things to keep us both safe, sober and happy. I can’t help doubting myself when I am reminded that relationships with another addict are a complete no no. We both work the programme and are doing well, we also support each other to reach our goals and have firm boundaries in place. I genuinly feel that he is a huge positive in my life but I am also aware that this advice is given for a reason.
Stay honest with yourself. Be happy and know that not all ways are right for everyone. You have to be your own person. Albeit cautiously and with eyes wide open.
As I am technically in early recovery I want to make sure I am doing all the right things. I wasn’t looking for someone to ‘fill the void’. I feel good and the relationship feels good and right. It does worry me when others advice against relationships in early recovery, especially as we met at the same treatment centre.
No suggestions because you probably won’t hear them anyway.
But I will tell you a quick story. Two of my friends from my first rehab ended up in a relationship. Like all new and naive sobriety folks they thought they were strong in their sobriety. They thought they were the exception to the rule, not understanding that everyone always thinks they are exception to the rule.
So they got into a relationship. Then they both relapsed. Within a year they were both dead from overdoses. I’m sure the sex was worth it though.
These “ruled” exist for a reason. People with long term sobriety get tired of burying them people who are new to sobriety.
Maybe you’re the exception to the rule, but it’s statistically unlikely. I’d say you’re more likely to die than to have a successful relationship. Use this information as you see fit.
First of all congratulations on your sobriety, Who knows if it will work or not on the u and you’re higher power, the higher powers. The only one that actually knows the outcome already. But I can share my experience. My experience of leaving rehab with the one I fell in love there. End it up, broken bones, my broken bones. Jail time signing out them real hand not long after we left the rehab … I also wanna thank you for taking me back there. So I don’t make that mistake again. I’m not saying to give up. I’m not saying to go on. I’m just sharing my experience strength and hope I pray for you that make it
Congratulations to you both and better the advice I would give to both of you. You don’t really know each other yet was my experience? And that almost killed me.
Thank you for your reply Englished and for sharing your story, I am sorry to hear that and unfortuanetly I do hear this a lot, which is why I do have concerns about the relationship I am in.
I am aware that things might change and I may not feel as strong as I do now. We are being cautious, we live in different cities and both have our own lives as well as having time for each other. We are taking things slow and working on ourselves is our main priority.
However hearing your story makes me think I maybe should pull back a bit. And on the other hand I do want to live a life where I can have a relationship without the constant worry of relapse and death. I want to move forward with my life in the safest way possible.
Ty! I do have friends that got together. Re haven’t made it fifteen twenty years I’m not trying to Discourage you. now that we’re clean and sober Is when we are supposed to be happy And not only chase our dreams but make them come true! Which is my plan finally? A 57. After I finish my steps And get to know me! Wishing you the best praying for you congratulations again
Yes I have seen more failures than those that make it! I am single I Finally found something that was perfect and gave me the desire to stop and change but I destroyed it before I changed. Thank you, loves me and love are cares enough. Or maybe even hate me enough to step back. And let me get my sobriety. My clean time in me we talk but He doesn’t rush me. Another thing I think I haven’t is because our minds are becoming clear. We just wanna love someone and be laughing. We’ve got new feelings that we didn’t know we had. I know I drank and drugged for years. And I’m going through a lot of changes. So I understand wanting to be in a relationship. But it also scares me.
Ray, I want to thank you for sharing. You always have a lot of good to share.
Thank you for sharing TinaT and I am sorry to hear of your experience. I am happy you are still here to share your story with me. I wish you all the best in oyur recovery journey
Thank you for your reply Ray. I definetely wasn’t looking for a relationship but it has developed organically and understandably I am worried, I have heard a lot of trajic stories. Maybe I am being blinded by love? I’m certainly not letting my emotions run away and am still very much focused on my own recovery as is he.
I hope you don’t mind me asking but during your early recovery, did you happen to experience a romantic encounter which you then had to turn away? If so, how did you deal with the conflict of wanting to move forward with your life as well as knowing that you needed to focus on yourself at this high risk stage?
I won’t discourage you, only thing I’ll say is this. I recently, within 6 months got done my rehab program. I been with the same person 26 yrs now, know everything about her and vice versa, and we still have to work on things to make it run right even now. I can’t even imagine having the time to take on a brand new relationship right now. I’ll say if you guys are definitely hell bent on giving it a go, put stipulations in place like,maybe only seeing each other once a week and the rest of the time you work on you. You and your sobriety also better be strong enough to handle the fallout if things don’t go as planned though. I still wish you guys well.
my early sobriety once i was strong enough to have a relationship to tell the truth it was for companionship and of course sex , i had several of them till i met Sheila when i was 6 years sober a couple of years courting then we got married this July well be married 30 years , have two sons with her 28/26 , so in early sobriety wasnt looking for love .wish you well
The chance of any given relationship surviving is slim. The chance of both of you staying clean and sober isn’t super great to begin with… your chances are drastically reduced if you’re in a relationship with an active addict. It’s almost like you halve your chances by pursuing this relationship.
If you’re single you should work on nothing but yourself for at least a year. You’re gonna change and grow in sobriety. Learn to love yourself first. Best wishes. You can do this, you are worth it!
For the first 18 years of my ‘adult’ life I only dated other addicts/alcoholics. When one relationship ended, I was quickly onto the next. Each one was toxic in it’s own way, but of course, I was using as well. I wasn’t in the right mindset to follow my intuition. Couldn’t pick up on red flags, or just ignored them completely.
Now, almost a year sober, and 2+ years single, I still don’t feel ready for a relationship. At all. This is the first time I’m getting to know the real me, and it’s nice to do that alone. The thought of getting to know a stranger now seems daunting. I know I don’t need any extra stress bc life alone throws enough at you.
“Maybe I am being blinded by love?” Maybe. That’s what worries me. If things do end up going sideways, will you have it in you to end it? Will you even be able to see it start? Sobriety has to be your number one priority. If you feel it slipping bc of your relationship, listen to your gut and get out. Sooner rather than later.
Im just gonna throw this out there…before i got sober i was in a relationship with a fellow addict for a couple of years…we were both in and out of active addiction and both trying to get sober…looking back on it now…and im not sure how exactly to put this… i feel like the fact that we were both addicts made the relationship feel asthough thats all it was about…as much as i wanted to believe we understood each other and supported each other in our addiction struggles i think it had the opposite effect like we were almost waiting for each other to fail which added extra pressure to stay sober if that makes sense, ive been single since i got sober but i often wonder if i got into another relationship maybe it might be better if it with someone who isnt a recovering addict, obviously it must work for some but i do question if 2 addicts in recovery can ever really work out because i felt it created a very complicated and strange dynamic
and congrats on your sobriety!