It was more of that I needed to hear it from someone else. I don’t know how to explain it, but when I hear something from someone else it helps me more than when I hear it from myself 
I feel like I don’t listen to my own thoughts enough
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Thanks homie! Yeah I’m good now, the craving is gone and all. I’m now day #17 sober from my DOC 
I hope you’re doing good friend, I’m glad you’re sober again 
And yeah definitely I don’t wanna relapse, thanks 
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It may be a healthy exercise to sit in the feelings that you want cocaine. It’s a shit feeling but recognising it, feeling it and learning to accept that what you want isn’t good may help. If you can go to the depths of your own hell and become at peace with it, you’ll be able to help other people out of theirs and that’s gold. I’d also really highly recommend thinking about what @Englishd said because that won’t just be a cocaine thing, that’ll apply to anything you romanticize later on.
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Thanks homie, yeah I might try that out next time I have a major craving
Glad to hear you got through the worst of it. Truly.
So, this is where the rabbit hole starts, before going on the dark web. What was your response at this point? (I bring this up just as a point for reflection, you don’t have to reply). Specifically, there are three indicators that are worth considering:
- Were you aware at this point that the problem had already begun?
- If not, this can be a lesson. The more you can do to learn about other problematic thought patterns as well, the better.
- How long did it take for you to act on this knowledge?
- Hesitance or reluctance in a situation like this is very dangerous. One second of hesitance is one second of window for impulse to take over. Impulse is how relapse happens at all, in people who want to remain sober.
- Hesitance here may also be a sign that your subconscious is perhaps not on the same page as your conscious mind. It’s not that your beliefs aren’t genuine, it’s just that adjustments of this nature don’t happen as soon as you want them to.
- Was the action you took decisive? In other words, did it remove you from the threat, or was it just a step back?
- The worst outcome is relapse, which is a threat to your survival (physiological or philosophical, doesn’t matter). Your response should be equally serious. On one hand, if someone is using a lawn tractor near you, you will step back to a safe distance. But if someone is using a bomb near you (and you are not an explosives technician), you get the living f*** away from there. You stop weighing any arguments to remain close because none of them will even matter at all if you don’t survive. Incomplete measures, like hesitance, can be an indicator of your subconscious not being as on-board as your conscious mind.
My personal thoughts on the subconscious factor is as follows.
The subconscious is difficult to change. It is not a matter of understanding, but an integration of that which is already understood. It takes place over time, not in moments by force of will. Nor does it shift in a vacuum. As changes in thought and/or behaviour are made, the subconsious adapts. When you learn to shoot a basketball into a hoop, you learn the technique and its ideals in minutes. But it takes a lot of practice for subconscious neural processes to adapt, to allow you to make full use of the technique and see the results.
In a similar way, some recovery practices may seem redundant, or tangential, impractical, or artificial, but as with exercise this is still useful for adapting your brain to your new situation. This is a big reason why people recommend to work on your recovery on a daily basis, not just to resist cravings and avoid triggers.
Just food for thought. Life will always throw curveballs and you will not be able to avoid every trigger. However, there are lots of ways to prepare.
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I always love seeing your in-depth high IQ responses, thanks homie
To answer the questions:
“Were you aware at this point that the problem had already begun?”
Unfortunately no, but yeah I just spoke to my addiction therapist and he gave me some good advice. Basically, I need to shut down conversations and whatnot about coke before they get out of hand. I actually understand what @Englishd was saying in this thread now. I need to not think so much about coke, and not look at coke-related things and such If I can learn to detect those more sneaky cravings, that’ll be good. I’ll broaden my scope for detecting cravings from something like “if I’m thinking about buying it and using it, I’m craving it” to more like “if I’m talking/thinking about coke, I’m craving it (or at least likely craving it)”
“How long did it take for you to act on this knowledge?”
So thankfully, I acted on the realization that I was craving coke pretty much immediately (like once I realized I was craving it I mean). One thing I have in my personality is that I’m not the type of person who can push things off for later. I’m very much like “I need to deal with this now” in the way I think about problems. Otherwise, the issue won’t leave my mind. In some ways, this is a good thing but can also be a bad thing depending on the scenario
“Was the action you took decisive? In other words, did it remove you from the threat, or was it just a step back?”
I feel like I removed the threat by distracting myself with working out and uninstalling my darkweb browser and whatnot. Although, I feel like I could’ve done better by avoiding that discord chat that triggered the craving.
And about the subconscious part, definitely I agree with you. It will take some time to build up the good habits, but definitely I shall work on this too. Thanks homie for your wise and detailed response
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James has asked you some really thought provoking questions there and I really like how honest your answers were so I’m going to throw a few in there myself.
Is distraction going to be enough in the long run?
What’s the motivation behind the motivation?
If you’re talking/thinking about your DOC, why does that constitute a craving?
^^ And this is a really good one to dissect and explore because you certainly don’t want to ignore/avoid/dismiss your cravings altogether and there’s nothing wrong, unnatural or unusual thinking about it, in fact, you’re going to have to. There’s 16 years of daily addiction behind me - I can’t just write that shit off; I’m always going to want to drink or drug my way out of a shit time but I can react/respond differently to the shit God throws at me.
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Thanks homie
I will edit this post I’m making here after my CA sponsor meeting and whatnot once I have the chance to think more about your questions
@DresdenLaPage aight yo here’s my answers to the questions
“Is distraction going to be enough in the long run?”
Good point, I don’t think distractions will be enough in the long-term tbh. I need to focus on my recovery and not thinking about coke so much for sure like what you and the others said for sure I also need to learn to deal with my emotions better and learn to accept that bad days happen, bad stuff happens, bad times happen, bad emotions happen and that’s just a part of life. I kept using my DOC in the past because it numbed the fuck out of my emotions I realize (and also because for a while during the early part of addiction, it made me really productive at work. But of course when you’re dopamine is shot up to an alienated level, your dopamine shall eventually crash to a hellish level). I need to also learn to be able to be focused at work and whatnot without needing a stimulant I realize.
“What’s the motivation behind the motivation?”
Not quite sure that I fully understand this question, but I’m gonna try to answer it, so basically 17 days ago I hit my rock bottom. I thought I hit my rock bottom many times before, but that last time was different. I felt such a strong need to change and at least see what’s on the brighter side of recovery. I wanted this more than I wanted another line. This post sums up my rock bottom and why I wanted to quit so badly: I'm done with cocaine
I was listening to these two songs at the time, which really made me feel what I was feeling which caused me to hit my rock bottom:
Basically, I was truly sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was stuck in a perpetual cycle of coke use. The last few times I used coke it would put me in this wack ass thought loop where I was like “I HAVE TO QUIT I HAVE TO QUIT!!! HOW THE FUCK DO I QUIT WHY I CANT I FIGURE THIS OUT?!”
“If you’re talking/thinking about your DOC, why does that constitute a craving?”
I definitely agree with you that I’m not always craving the drug when I think about it. I realize from what you’re saying is that: if I’m REFLECTING on why I was using coke, how I got addicted, etc that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But, if I’m thinking like “mmm cocaine” type of shit or “oh why is coke so popular” type of stuff, that would not be helpful to me.
So not all thoughts about cocaine are necessarily bad, but some can be for sure.
Thanks homie for the questions, I really appreciate it It’s actually helping me a lot to learn and work through the nightmare I was living in
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Oh also this song helped me a lot, cuz I was lying sooo much about my addiction. I lied to everyone. To my boss, my dad, my brother, my friends, my mom, etc: Spotify