I never want to feel the way how I’m feeling right now ever again. I’m bawling my eyes out right now constantly because of the fucking day-after withdrawal once again. I feel like ending my life again. All I do while I’m high on cocaine is wack off, be in a thought loop about how to quit the substance, and stare at the plate waiting for when it’s safe to do more; it is not enjoyable. This is complete insanity. I’ve spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on cocaine over the past 2+ years of my severe addiction to it. I’ve lost my previous relationship because of my cocaine abuse. I’ve lost my main friend group because of it. Last night I heard my brother crying over the phone to me begging me to get help and quit. My nose feels constantly fucked up due to my drug abuse. I failed to show up to work once again because of my cocaine addiction; I had to call in sick. I’ve seen my father all stressed out about my inability to fight this addiction once again. My mom worries about my addiction and thinks I’ve been clean but I lied and haven’t been. My family and my friends are all worried about my addiction. I completely lost myself, all I care about is cocaine now. I feel like a sub-human cocaine-fiending goblin. I’m just done. I’M DONE I’M DONE I’M DONE. I can’t let this happen again. I can’t keep disappointing everyone around me and myself.
Please God if you’re out there please free me from this nightmare. I’ll do anything to quit this, I can’t take it anymore. I’m so desperate to quit. I’m completely on the edge. I’ll even lose my job if I need to just to quit this awful substance.
I’m going to ask my addiction therapist to refer me to some inpatient rehab facilities. I’m going to put myself on the waitlist and in the meantime I’m going to keep doing what I can to stay sober. I can’t keep letting this nightmare happen on repeat.
May future Eric look back at this post when I crave cocaine next and think about the pain I’m feeling while writing this. It’s just not worth it regardless of what my cravings tell me to do. I feel like fucking killing myself every time I relapse. Every time Eric, there is not a time that I use and don’t feel the way I’m feeling right now.
About as honest as one can be, Eric. I know you feel like shit in so many ways but you are taking steps to sanity. Rehab, fuck yes. You’re in deep on the wheel and need help from, and with others, who are trying too.
When we’re done we’re fucking done.
Get some rest friend, no dope today is all you need to accomplish.
Maybe hit a meeting soon, it helps start the journey.
Oh Eric I feel your pain right now
Just know this isn’t how your life is going to be moving forward.
You really aren’t alone although it can feel like it, I’m so glad you have reached out. And yes you have a plan to speak with your addiction therapist and please let them know how bad it is. You may get help that bit quicker.
I believe in you, your worth fighting for, I’m glad you see that this not how you want to live - that’s a start - it’s the beginning of a fresh start for yourself.
Then I WON’T let this happen again! I won’t let myself feel the way I’m feeling ever again because of that stupid white powder. I hit rock bottom this time for real. No cocaine will ever make me happy. I have a plan written out, but I’m too exhausted to even describe the plan right now.
I’m going to inpatient rehab. It’s the only way out of this. Everything else I tried failed, or works for a while and then fails. It will at least give me enough time away from it that I can finally regain enough control over my own mind to fight this going forward.
Thank you everyone for the support. I finally hit my rock bottom. I completely surrender. I am willing to do whatever it takes at this point. For a long while, I was scared to take that leave of absence from work to try inpatient rehab because it would risk my job, but at this point my addiction is already risking my job anyway. I can’t do this alone anymore and I won’t do this alone anymore.
While I’m getting on the waitlist, I’ll do everything in my power to stop. I already contacted my therapist just now asking what the process is to get me on the waitlist and then I’m just gonna have to do the leave-of-absence and risk my job. Whatever it takes to be sober.
Have you eaten ?
I’m not sure what time it is where you are. Here it’s coming up to 9pm.
Have some food, water and let yourself sleep, this will help you wake up ready to fight for yourself.
I’m proud of you for taking the step to contact your therapist, I know it isn’t easy but I am proud of you for letting all this out because you deserve to be free from this.
Stay connected with us, we are here for you okay friend
I don’t know you homie or your story, I can feel you’re hurting though as I read your raw truth. I have stood where you are many times. I have numbed myself and I’ve faced it head on. Neither easy. I know the regret you have for continuing to use, every single time, as you fight yourself and swear, never again and then do it again. I know how the most painful point in your day is when your eyes meet in the mirror. How regret and guilt nibbles at you. I lost my husband to a fentanyl overdose. He died inside a porta potty on his job site. I have struggled with a meth addiction off and on for years. I know what it’s like to feel totally numb when my eyes close at night, and I know what it feels like to wake up with that urge and do it all over again. I know what it’s like to look for whatever you can find to numb yourself. The end result always being the same. “one day at a time” has been so overused but in its simplicity is such truth. If you can get through this moment—right now—it’s all you need to do to change your life. I just celebrated 19 months clean. You are not hopeless, your life hold such value, if I can recover, I believe and know anyone can recover.
I don’t want to preach but I was a coke addict for 9 years. It lead me to a hole in my nose (which I had surgery to fix), but I pray for you and advice you can ignore - coke now a days is mixed with shit. Plus after I couldn’t sniff I fell into crack. Please don’t do that. It’s another journey into hell. Stay strong!
Thanks, yeah I eaten and drank water and slept a bit. I was more of a steady user than a binge user. I’d tend to use it throughout the day and then try to stop myself to go to bed. Last night I could barely even stop myself fast enough to go to bed. But now I’m just done using it completely. Done done done. I will do whatever it takes to stop. It’s too much. It’s too crazy.
You sound fired up to go after your sobriety with everything you’ve got. One minute, hour, day at a time. Little steps still get you to where you want to go. Soon you’ll be clocking up milestones after building that momentum.
Ty man. Yeah it’s fucked, I remember I once had like a 1 month relapse where I was using every day again. I was abusing it so heavily that a big ass line that my friends would call “The Great Wall of China” would last only like 2 minutes by the end of the 1 month bender. I remember it wearing off so fast that I was like “damn wtf this must be what it’s like to smoke crack kinda.”
Not glorifying drug use here btw. It was in one of the darkest times of my life during that bender. I hate cocaine so much tbh. It’s just not worth it.
Right there with you Eric. It’s a horrible addiction and a horrible drug. Rips you of your joy, relationships, self love, finances and freedom. It may have power over you now, but remember how powerful you are. I’m right along side you in this fight.
