I have a problem with alcohol. I can go periods of time without drinking, but am unable to have just one when I do. There is no off-switch, nothing there to tell me I need to stop. I drink until I pass out or something bad happens, usually the latter. I black out nearly every time.I become a monster - Iām aggressive, violent, argumentative, rude. Not all the time, sometimes Iām lovely and fun. I heard a phrase that stuck with me recently: āIām not always an asshole when I drink, but Iām always drunk when Iām an assholeā. This is binge drinking.
Iām not sure where it all started becoming a problem. I drank with mates in school, college and uni. But never really to the point of blacking out. Itās been progressive. I have not experienced much trauma in my life, for which I am ever so grateful. I have family that, while slightly unavailable, love me unconditionally. I am lucky, yet squandering my life away by poisoning my body.
I have been better in recent years. Stopped smoking, stopped binge drinking three-four nights a week. But itās not a frequency issue for me; itās a quantity issue. Iām three/four days over the last binge. I still feel ashamed, guilty, sick with anxiety. I canāt undo this knot in my stomach.
I have posted before - a couple times - and something to a similar tune . What am I going to differently? Somethingā¦at the moment Iām trying to get through the sickness and anxiety, then comes the building of a robust toolkit.
Hi Sian and welcome back!
I see a lot of motivation in your message and that and determination is a good way to start!
What has helped me loads here was making a plan and being here as much as I could.
I will tag in some treads that are usefull to read:2 years sober and what helped me to get there: and this one What's YOUR plan? Read them and use the info to fill your own toolbox and make your own sober plan! If I can, so can you If you want more information about in particular binge drinking you can use the magnifying glass above to find all the interesting treads about them.
Hello my friendā¦these feelings your having now are a great tool. Remember this when your pulled by temptation. Its not always easy to āplay the whole tapeāā¦sometimes the good times overpower the bad, I get itā¦Iāve been there COUNTLESS of times. Itāll get better with practice. Try writing things down when your feeling this way and read it when temptation knocksā¦good luck!
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Your comment about your personality changing when youāre drunk really resonated with me. I can trace almost all my arguments with friends and family to bri by drunk, or to being bad tempered the next day. It is SO true.
There are tons of resources here as you know to help you but one piece of advice Iāll give you is to have a look into Naltrexone if you havenāt.
As someone who started out as an irregular binge drinker and ended up a daily drinker I wish Iād found it earlier. Short story is that it turns off any pleasure you get from drinking if youāve taken it an hour before. It really ruined drinking for meā¦ (and that was the point!!). Itās just one tool in a toolkit but personally I think itās particularly helpful for discouraging binging.
Thank you so much for the warm welcomes and replies. I really appreciate it.
I still feel sick and anxious and guilty. Partly because I canāt really remember what I did on Friday night. I know I stayed up late by myself. I spoke to couple of people at like 2am . One of whom Iām particularly worried about as it is someone my partner would not be happy about me speaking to. But I donāt even know if they called me or I called them (because I deleted it from my call log too quickly, out of shame).
Itās the not remembering that always fills me with dread. I donāt know what I am capable of in that state, as my mind can go to a very dark place sometimes. Did I do something to hurt my relationship? Have I embarrassed myself or upset a friend? Have I been out of line or lied? I donāt know. I have been very stressed recently, which scares me even more, as I could have easily gone to that dark place when out of it.
I will keep reading and learning. But I canāt shift this feeling of sickness, dread and guilt. I would be grateful for any advice on getting through these feelings.
Blackouts are so freaking scary. I blacked out a lot, I also mixed alcohol with Ambien for years and that is a serious blackout situation. Ugh. I am sorry you are feeling so anxious and shaky and can definitely relate.
I suggest bookmarking this thread and your post on how you are feeling. If you want to have another drink, first come and read your situation again. I know you donāt want to keep living like this. I can assure you once you are a blackout drinker, it gets worse not better.
The good news is you never have to put yourself thru this cycle again. Use the shame and guilt as fuel for your sobriety journey. Have you ever read Annie Graceās book, This Naked Mind? It helped me understand alcohol and my relationship with it better.
Those feelings you have are so hard, we know. For meā¦keeping my focus 100% on today, this 24 hours and not drinking today helped me a lot. Plus remembering what drinking brought to my life (not one good thing).
Once again your wisdom and advice awe me. Thank you as this story is very much my story. I need to check out that book.
Blackout drunk every couple weeks, late calls, not remembering any of it.
Fortunately much was just embarrassing gibberish, but I know enough of it annoyed people to the point that we donāt really speak any longer. I accept that and offer apologies when I can, but the damage was done and thereās sometimes no going back.
I, too, was a blackout drinker with no off switch. One drink always turned into drinking until i passed out, no matter what my intentions were before the first one. I tried for years to figure out how to drink āappropriately.ā After years of misery, i finally asked for help. During outpatient treatment, i learned about playing the tape the whole way through. Thinking past the fun and relaxation of those first few drinks and onto about how Iād feel the next morning after a night of blackout drinking and not having a clue what Iād done, made drinking seem a lot less appealing.
This literally could be my exact story. I could have written these precise words.
Iām feeling fortunate you found this place or way back to this place. I feel we have lived identical types of drinking lives.
Hopefully you find your reasons to remain sober, engage in some great great threads and even better people to help you through. The advice here is better than Iāve ever heard and the caring of people is off the charts.
I agree with @SassyRocks 100%. Staying focused on today and not yesterday or even tomorrow makes a huge difference. My black outs were a bit excessive since I mixed a lot of drugs (early in my addiction). After the amphetamines took over, I would stay up for a little over a weekā¦maybe 2, doing god knows what . Sometimes Iām thankfull to god that I dont remember A LOT. Sometimes my memory is triggered with certain things I do and I cant help sitting there in completeshockā¦cryingā¦full of shame and regret. But, like @SassyRocks stated, I use it as fuel to never go to that horrible place again. Taking note of your feeling after a slip is really important. It helps you remember that its not all fun and rainbows. Our mind always tries to remember the āgoodā (fake happiness) and suppresses the badā¦we just have to remember to play the whole tape. Just keep at it.
Hello. Itās comforting to know that others are going through, or have been through, similar things. And also motivating to read about those who have come out the other side.
My anxiety is still crippling me. I feel so sick. Itās usually in the mornings and fades a little in the afternoon. But itās always there. Making me feel guilty and ashamed. For what I donāt know - I donāt even know if I did anything. Thatās the worst part.
I cannot drink like a normal person anymore. Well, I havenāt been able to for quite some time now. I accept that.
. Iām SiĆ¢n, based in the UK.
. What am I going to differently? Somethingā¦at the moment Iām trying to get through the sickness and anxiety, then comes the building of a robust toolkit.
If you want more information about in particular binge drinking you can use the magnifying glass above to find all the interesting treads about them.
. One of whom Iām particularly worried about as it is someone my partner would not be happy about me speaking to. But I donāt even know if they called me or I called them (because I deleted it from my call log too quickly, out of shame).
. Sometimes Iām thankfull to god that I dont remember A LOT. 
Sometimes my memory is triggered with certain things I do and I cant help sitting there in completeshockā¦cryingā¦full of shame and regret. But, like