Helpless to Crystal Meth. HELP!

Your Story
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Hi everyone.

Firstly, I am so so glad I found this forum where I can start really talking with people with similar experiences or issues with meth/ice/cream/etc as anonymous as I can cause it’s a cultural stigma. Even more so when you’re gay.

I am a 30 year old gay male. I used to be a national athlete and I am also a scholar. I have pride myself on my own personal values and meth is really taking that away from me.

MY STORY
I got introduced to meth many many years ago when I had a hookup on Grindr and I didn’t even know about meth. So the guy asked if I would like to try meth. Didn’t really explain much about it aside from it making you really horny and sensitive. I couldn’t even get hard at that time - not knowing people pair it with viagra (i wasnt offered any!).

After that experience, I have heard stories on meth and how it’s so scary but I dabbled with it on and off with people on Grindr. At that time, I felt that it was recreational to me and I never was affected by it. This is many months apart and at that time, it felt like I was not addicted and just recreational. - also cause I do not buy my own meth or own a bong/pipe. That being said, I am a pothead and weed is the only thing I do on a daily basis, aside from cigs.

It was only after my last relationship which ended in August 2018 where I felt a sense of freedom in many things. By 3rd quarter of 2019, I have owned my first meth bong and I have used meth for daily chores and work. Made me felt invisible! Chores were getting done, work is great earning so much more…

In Dec 2019 - now, I have been on a loop. Waking up to my bong, and it’s just puffing all day! It’s a little hard to accept it now because I am pretty self aware of the situation. Thing is it’s hard to reach out to people regarding this. And the many times I tried talking to a user, its pretty much dead end cause they do not have the thought of stop using meth on the daily.

I am here on my knees, really hoping and praying that I can find someone here that can empathise my situation and provide me with some guidance with this. I want to only use it recreationally.

I have tried going off cold turkey and it was insane. I felt like a vegetable in bed for 3-4 days with immense feelings and emotions with no will to get up to do anything. My whole body ached as if i had a fever, it was just overwhelming but the glimpse of thought that I am going through this for my own health and live kept me on.

Not too long, I was triggered again so the relapse happened. Right now, I keep planning trips to keep me away from using. And when I am on trips or away, I don’t even think about my bong or puffing. Keep busy! I tell myself. But its after every trip that i come home and use yet again.

I’ve tried talking to closest friends about this. Opened up myself and all they can do is to tell me not to use it. I guess non meth users will never understand.

I hope someone stumbles across my story and can really be a form of support for me. I do feel like if i do not stop this, I will lose it. And my biggest fear is to lose my sense of logic. :frowning: HELP!

SOS,
isaac

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Hey Apes2020, thanks for taking the time to reach out and to basically slap me right across my face about using it recreationally.

I know my life is going down the dumps. I barely even want to see my friends. But i do it to keep sort of a normal life and not just lost in the clouds.

80 days! mad respect! Did you do it cold turkey?
Would like to hear more advices from you if you’re willing to share.

Really appreciate your reply on this. <3

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I am in Asia! And where are you located?
Thanks again for sharing April!

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Very warm welcome.stick around read lots share lots and I’m so happy to find us.

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Thanks for the warm welcome Jenna, it is very encouraging to know. And yes! I too am so happy i found a safe space where I am surrounded by wonderful people helping one another regarding their issues.

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Thanks for the warm welcome Lilemm! :slight_smile: I can see that I will be here alot to learn, to be criticized for what I can/should be doing better and maybe one day … educate others as well? :slight_smile:

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Yeah! it’s been pretty awakening reading some of the stories on here. Granted it is my first day here and getting used to chatting on a forum of any sorts, I think this is the platform which I will be on the daily. :slight_smile:

Ah I lovex3 Australia! I’ve had 2 trips there so far. Really love the people and the lifestyle vibe and culture there! :slight_smile: I only have good stories when it comes to Australia. :slight_smile:

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Hello and welcome im also a drug addict my choice of drug was crack and heroin and it brought me to my knees like yourself I tried so many times to stop and get clean but I couldn’t do it alone this app is a true life saver to meet people on the same journey as ourselves. I suggest you keep reading and reaching out on here were all here to help eachother through our recovery and also try some online meetings to keep you connected good luck x

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Hello Nat! Thanks for another warm welcome here. Yep, indeed I haven’t been off this site since I found it. Just learning and getting inspired from people from all over the world.

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@Apes2020, please do us all a favour and write that essay!
Rock solid advice given by you, lady, powerful and honest! Thanks for that! :heart:

@Helpless, as others here have mentioned, there is no such thing as being able to use recreationally once the addiction has formed. It’s the cucumber pickle debacle. You also won’t want to use recreationally anymore once you’ve been clean for a while and have taken control back over your life. That’s the good news. You definitely have come to the right place, there is such a wealth of resources and wisdom and good will here. It’ll benefit you greatly if you spend time here! Stay strong. Come here whenever you need and when you feel you don’t! x

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Welcome, I’ve only being here for about a month myself. I’ve been addicted to amphetamine for a a long time, since I was a teen. And when I finally stopped I changed to alcohol just to relapse again in a likewise substance last year. Once again going from that to heavy alcohol use, and I feel you. The withdrawal isn’t a dance on flowers, it’s actually not a pleasant thing at all.

But I do know that there’s no such thing as recreational use, it’s a hard hit to realize but the thing is that you’re going to loose the control you think you have sooner or later. Most often sooner, and the substance of choice is going to take control over you.

When I did use amphetamines I felt immortal, I felt that no one ever could hurt me. But it’s just a fake feeling. And you’ll feel a lot better without it.

There’s a lot of people here ready to help and support you, so stick around read a lot and use the daily check in thread for some extra support on your journey. I wish you the best of luck.

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Welcome,I don’t have any experience with meth but I do unfortunately have lots of experience and over twenty years lost to drugs of a similar stature. One of the biggest things helping me to stay clean daily is the programme of narcotics anonymous where you will not be criticised or judged for your drug usage nor your sexuality.
Isn’t Asia full of good,relatively inexpensive rehab facilities? It sounds like that would be a smart move.
You,'ve had some great advice, I hope to see you around more often.
Welcome btw :slight_smile:

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Hey welcome to the forum, I’m glad you reached out because that’s the first step. “Recognizing that there is a problem”. Usually problems of this magnitude are out of our control, thus meaning there is no such thing anymore as just having one or recreational use. I became helpless and hopeless while drinking and using until I started to see I couldn’t function without it. That’s when I had to make a change, because if nothing changes nothing changes. N/A & AA gives us tools to use to overcome this disease of self destruction. So please stay focused don’t give up or give in. Call someone before it gets ahold of you and learn to work the steps of AA or N/A. Alcoholic anonymous & Narcotics anonymous. Stay strong because u have a chance to change your life for the better and your worth it. So give yourself a break, let go and let a higher power do the job for you while keeping you focused one day at a time.

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Wow. Great advice and support all around by everyone. Huge @Apes2020. Big time welcome and tough love at the same time.
I have no idea how scary Meth is. Or heroine.
I do know that there is no recreational use. This is the lies all drugs and alcohol tell our diminished brains. We do not understand, it’s not what we think or think we feel. It is our brain receptors craving the reward of drugs and they will tell you anything it takes to get its drug and alcohol of choice. We are not ever in control unless we are completely sober and clean. Welcome and best of luck in your fight for freedom and self respect @Helpless
God bless you.

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Welcome. You’ve gotten a lot of wonderful replies already and I don’t want to repeat too much of what others have said except that it really isn’t possible to go back to recreational use after you’ve crossed into addiction. Meth was never my drug of choice, but I used recreationally for a long time until it wasn’t recreational anymore. Like you, I realized I was using it every day and I craved to be able to go back to those times when I could just use it recreationally. I had to finally come to the understanding that my views had to change. The way I perceived life, drugs, myself, and everything needed to change.

Also understanding that the way my brain and body reacted to those drugs changed once I became addicted and that it would never go back to the way it was–that I could never, ever, just do it once because once would never be once… that was hard to accept. All of it. I had to want to let it go, and to put aside the fear I had of the world and what my place might or might not be in it without something to hide behind.

You can get all the encouragement and support in the world, and lots of people here will give that to you for sure, but in the end it comes from within you. This is a good place to talk about your struggles. Unfortunately, people who have never been addicts will never understand, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care or that they’re not your friends. They just don’t have understanding that only experience can bring.

I hope you stick around here and I hope you find what you need. Even if you bounce around for a while, trying to get clean and not succeeding right away, stay here. Because eventually you will make it. Hang in there.

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Proud of you @Apes2020 for reaching out and sharing your story with @Helpless One addict helping another. That’s how it works. Great advice by the way, total complete absences, especially from a drug as hideous as methamphetamine. If people think they can do meth recreationally and not negatively affect them they’re just kidding themselves, I work with people on a daily basis that suffer from the disastrous effects of long-term meth use. It psychologically and physically devastates human life, never to be the same again.

I will stop for now because I can go on forever on this subject, a passion of mine…

Congratulations April on your sobriety. Keep fighting the good fight my friend. :heart:

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Yeah, I get that now and you guys are all right! Thanks for reaching out. Really appreciate it. x

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Thanks for sharing your experience and words of encouragement! I am so glad I found this forum!

Yes I do realise recreational use is just another step closer to relapsing. That said, I have thrown out everything that is related to meth today. :slight_smile:

The struggle is real!

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Yes!! I went to stock up on coffee and milk and cereals today because I knew I had to change my mornings if I ever want to successfully kick this addiction to the curb. So you sharing your morning routine is so relatable cause that is usually the time when the urge is at peak.

Ah i need to check out the TS clean counter then! I think that would help keep me focused and determined to increase that number. Thanks for the tip and advices again!

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Yes, I am very grateful for all the time spent and advises that @Apes2020 has provided me with here on my thread! She was the very first one to have reached out to me and to me, that really meant alot!

You’re right on the damage to the mental and physical on a meth user. That is also the reason why it has been eating at me day after day knowing this is happening.

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