Here again, after over 60 days

I have an addiction to porn. I made it to 60 days then I relapsed. Ive been continuously relapsing for the past week and a half and Im not entirely sure what’s going on. Sometimes I can tell I’m starting to go down that path, but I am almost never able to stop myself. I hope this will help, and that I can continue to use this tool to keep myself in check.

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Welcome @Control. And thanks for sharing. This is a good community that you’ve found. I’m also a fellow porn addict and know what you must be going through. It’s nice to meet you and I look forward to getting to know you more.

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Well, I feel like garbage today. Im feel so lethargic. My initiative has been drained and all I want is a nap. I can list off reason after reason to stop this behavior, but it seems like every negative emotion, from bordom to just being tired, will subtly start me down that path. There is a part of me that is a master manipulator, it knows how to take baby steps towards it’s goal. Just google this, that YouTube video isn’t that bad. Then it slowly escalates. I know what’s going on but for some reason in the moment I rarely take the initiative, rarely remove myself from the situation, and just softly tell myself that Im making a mistake. Today Im buying a new router to hopefully help myself block out that content from my internet connection.

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How are you going to enforce the filter on your router? Do you have someone that can password protect it?

I tried the router plan once. I discovered that I could bypass simply by reseting the router.

Day three, Ive been here a lot. This is when things start to get more difficult. Another reason things have become more difficult is that my girlfriend is out of town for work. For many reasons it was much easier to avoid consuming, or even wanting to consume porn, when she was here. The new router has been working as expected so far. It’s nice because as a central point of connection I can use it as a filter for all my devices. Phone, computer, xbox, all blocked now. I don’t think Ive ever attempted to turn off the filtering specifically to view porn. However if something breaks, or needs to be reconfigured, the little voice in my head says that we should check if porn is still blocked. I’m starting to recognize this little trick I play on myself. Im starting to tell myself it doesn’t matter, we don’t need to check. The filter is only a reminder of the goal Ive set for myself, a speed bump that forces me to slow down and hopefully catch myself. It gives me time to think about it all the reasons I want to stop. The awkward moments Ive had with women, the brain fog, the way it destroys my initiative, steals my ability to talk to people, and the way it amplifies my anxiety.

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Im back to zero days. It’s rather stupid, since I predicted my actions at the beginning of my last post. I know myself, and so far that has only worked to my detriment. In some backwards twisted way I manipulate myself into escapism. Into the path of least resistance. I let my fears and negative emotions drive my actions. When Im at the threshold of letting this addiction manifest into action instead of facing the negative energy and emotional state I give in. In my head I say you shouldn’t be doing this, or I give flimsy excuses.

The good that came out of last night: the filters have become tighter. Ive also realized that I need to work on my willpower, and on increasing my ability to sit in an uncomfortable emotional state without running away and seeking escape. I don’t know how to do this. This is a common thread in my life, and on my journey of quitting porn. I can see where I want to be, I see the issues and pain I cause myself, and I see what needs to change. However, I never know how I should change it. Or maybe Im just to scared to take the steps to do it. I see some of the things I could do and am unwilling to to make those changes. Though the changes may not be that big, they would greatly change how my nightly routine would look.

I keep choosing the path of least resistance, and that erodes my will power. It increases my desire to indulge in habits and addictions that don’t serve me in anyway other than to numb myself. As a codependent individual I already lack a solid sense of self. Through these escapism tactics I only further distance myself from discovering who I am.

Well back to getting one day.

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Hi @Control. Just read your post this morning.

I can so emphasize with your frustration.

For me, it took a lot of trial and error before I finally felt protected against myself. Because when I want to use, I have no self control, NONE!

Access to TV, media, internet are very dangerous for me. And staying sober when porn is within arms reach drives me absolutely crszy!

I commend your desire to addict-proof your home. Radical amputation is what it’s called. And it’s been very beneficial for me. Couldn’t be sober without it.

Some guidelines I live by.

No security stash of porn in my house.

No access to cable TV. My family has the passcode to my TV. If I was living by myself, then no cable, period.

Internet is password protected. If I need to get online, a family member has to enter a password. And even then, my computer is whitelisted to include only sites that I need for things such as doing my banking or paying bills. No Facebook, Youtube, or such is allowed. Under no circumstances am I allowed administrative access. If I’m living alone, then sorry, no internet.

Web access on my phone is forbidden. My time lock is set for all day and automatically renews each day. What makes TS so powerful for me is that I can use it without needing a web browser.

Sometimes, this can all make life pretty inconvenient for me. But its been working. 139 days so far. I’ll take it.

Almost seven days. But last night was a struggle. Somehow I caught myself. I acknowledged those things in my life that were stressors, as well as the negative emotions that fueled my desire to escape and indulge. Most importantly I felt sad, and perhaps lonely, that my significant other is out of town. I miss them, I miss being able to talk to them, and I miss the validation and comfort they provide me. However I’ve printed out a variety of photos of them and put them all around the areas of my house that I would fall down the rabbit hole of porn. Having them around me help to replenish my will enough to turn off the computer and go and read. I find it much easier when I turn away from porn for them. Thinking about the joy they bring my also lightens the burden of cravings. It also allows me to remember when we would be intimate and porn would ruin those times for us.

I’ve felt very tired this week. However not in the same way I’ve felt after using porn. Porn would introduce what felt like a thick brain fog, and a sluggishness. This week I’ve just had a difficult time waking up, and have felt like I’d really enjoy a nap. This feeling also makes it more difficult for me to notice when I’m drifting towards porn use. It certainly makes it more difficult to eject myself when I get to the point of looking at porn, or the images or videos that further influence me to seek out porn.

I’ve started reading paper books. This allows me to go to my room and leave my phone and the rest of my electronics downstairs. This shift in my habits is very helpful. It also helps me get into bed earlier.

@KevinesKay thank you for the replies, I enjoy reading about your strategies and accomplishments

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Thanks @control. Good job on those 7 days.

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I almost made it to eleven days, now I’m back at zero. I lost focus on my goal, and drifted back into auto pilot. I run on auto pilot more than I should. Both at work and at home, I make it through my days based on routine and the avoidance of discomfort. It would be okay if I fostered healthy and productive routines, but so far that isn’t really the case.

This forum is good, as it helps me face my mistakes. It also helps me to examine things that I should further explore and perhaps haven’t given much attention. I’m going to try and scramble my at home routine. Perhaps if I break it all down, I could build a better, healthier, and in the future happier one.

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You always have things like SAA to fall back on if you need them. :+1::slightly_smiling_face:

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@Pants while I don’t think Im there yet, your comment does give me a new perspective and a moment of pause.

I used porn again last night. I felt off all day yesterday prior to using. Like tired, with a lot of brain fog. A lot of what I did was impulsive, and not consciously acted out. No thought was put into what I should do, or should be doing, for long term or future benefits. It was a day following a path of least resistance and the avoidance of discomfort. I have introduced new stressors into my life, and I’m fixated on them. Ive decided to move to a new city, and once there try and find a new job. This creates a lot of things for me to be anxious about. The two big ones are when to tell my employer, and what will happen once I do. The other is what happens when I tell my girlfriend. She is just starting a new career and isn’t in town much, and where I would be moving would be closer to where one of her courses will be that runs several months. Simply figuring out the best way to move my stuff across the country is another stressor.

Not sure where Im going from here, but Im going to take it slow. Will try to drastically reduce how much I use technology while Im home.

I would have some pretty darn good reasons to uproot myself from my job, my home, my relationships and try to function in a whole new environment full of unknowns.

That all sounds major triggering for me. I would not be able maintain sobriety under these circumstances. That, and still having access to porn at night on my phone or computer. I wouldn’t stand a chance.

I suffer from codependency. I latch on to someone and then lose myself in the relationship. Other relationships in my life also suffer. I stop seeing and speaking to my friends. I don’t have a good sense of self, and have very low self-worth.

Last night my codependency resulted in really bad anxiety. To the point of taking away my appetite and ability to sleep. I had a knot in my stomach. I allowed myself to use this as an excuse. I allowed myself to be disrespectful to myself. Instead of searching, maybe desperately so, for an alternative, I allowed myself to view and use pornography. Twice.

Ive started to re-read my books on codependency. I realise Ive allowed myself to neglect this poisonous peice of myself. It strains my relationships, and allows habits and vices to direct my actions.

I think deep down Im scared. Of what I can’t exactly say. I also don’t value myself, or truly respect myself. There are so many ugly emotions tied to my use of porn. While it is partly a distraction, I think it also is a way for myself to feel less alone. Less undesirable. I don’t have to worry about being judged or being left and abandoned. It’s a completely twisted and incorrect feeling of control. I control who and what I see. Most of my life feels completely out of my control.

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Beautifully put bro… All u can do is give it up and let CHRIST do the rest… u can try to control this or that but after three months of having know phone I caved… it comes down to realizing and accepting that HE can do for us what we cant

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Accepting and asking for his forgiveness and living in that weakness until HE feels fit to relieve us of the bondage of self