Hi, I am new here and I decided today I want to stop drinking. I think this is actually the first time I have ever posted on any sort of board or forum, and I never imagined ever posting about a topic that is so deeply personal. I have always tried to get through my problems alone. I give help readily but loathe asking for it. I care deeply about other people but am confused about my own value. Taking this step is scary because I am going to have to face all the damage I’ve caused and won’t have alcohol to self medicate, and I’m scared it’s going to be incredibly lonely.
I started drinking in my early 20s. I was very shy and it felt like a magic cure for everything - I could be entertaining! I could talk with boys and dating was less intimidating! I could have a drink when I was stressed or sad and feel better! My dad was a heavy drinker and he bought me my first drink in a bar. It felt entirely acceptable and exciting to drink alcohol whenever I wanted to.
Cut to 20+ years later and I’d been drinking almost daily except when I was pregnant with my child. I have a good job, I can work through hangovers, almost no one not even my husband knows how much I actually drink because I’ve been hiding it so well for years. It is an after work and weekend ritual and it is always multiple drinks.
Drinking brings out the worst in me. Working remote means recently my drinking starts before work ends - an afternoon drink or two and then occasionally embarrass myself in work meetings. I don’t even really like it that much anymore, I feel edgy and angry or depressed. My brain doesn’t work as well as it used to, and my organs hurt. I am unmotivated to do most things that are healthy. I know all this yet I still want it.
The final straw is that I had a horrible fight with my husband last night and I was awful to him. He had an important day today and didn’t get any sleep. I let loose rage toward him that he didn’t deserve. I don’t recognize myself. We’ve had several of these and they never would have happened if alcohol wasn’t involved. My first marriage ended in divorce and looking back I’m sure a lot of our problems were related to substance abuse in one way or another. I love my current husband and I don’t want to lose him. I am so over it, this needs to stop.
Getting an app and posting here feels like a positive action and admitting that I don’t think I can do this alone, despite it feeling lonely. I needed to do something. I don’t want to drink anymore. I am putting this here so I can remember when I inevitably start telling myself lies that drinking is an ok thing for me to do. I can’t drink in moderation. I did not drink today and at least that is a step in a better direction. Thanks for reading.
I got so lucky to find the kindest most understanding compassionate people from all over the world. I was not alone. It took me about 10 days before I told my wife what I was doing. She still drinks. But she supports me.
. I quit for 5 months last year without help, apps or fellowship. I then traveled out of the country and drank there with the mindset to start over once back in US. The things is after being sober for a while, we tend to believe we’re “normal”, “we’re cured”. So I continued drinking, less than before, more controlled, but soon found myself back in the same place or worse… We are not “normal”, we are powerless to alcohol. Sooo this time around I’m here because that experienced made me realize that I need a reminder of this. A reminder not to have that first drink because it will never be enough, I will want more. So here I am 
. I’ve also started to attend zoom meetings and I’ve loved it so far. We can do this! This isn’t the end of the world as long as we stop now 🩷
as you begin your journey out of darkness.