Hi everyone,
I’m very new to this and kind of nervous about it. I’ve battled with drinking for some time now. It’s never been consistent, and it has always been an issue with control. I think I would tell myself it wasn’t a problem because I didn’t “wake up wanting to drink everyday”… THAT was a true alcoholic, I was just enjoying myself… so that made me justify it.
My friends and I were big drinkers, then eventually so were my wife and I. The switch in my head that would tell me the next one was one too many never seemed to work. I’d always been the “partier who somehow had it together”. When she got pregnant that phase of her life came to a screeching hault, but mine didn’t… in fact it got worse because I tried to do it secretly. I still don’t really know why I ever made that leap, she didnt care that I could drink and she couldnt, she would say “I’m unreasonably mad that you are drinking because I would kill for a glass of wine right now”…but that was it.
Then the DUI happened, you’d think explaining that to your 5 month pregnant wife what had done on would fix things… I mean it did for a while, but then the embarrassment subsided and it started again.
And so on and so on, I would have a great period time, where if I would drink I would be in control, then slowly but surely, I’d have an extra on, then maybe another, and then another. Something would culminate, my wife and I would argue about it, I would apologize and start the cycle again.
It’s been 5 years since I got married, 3 years since my DUI, 2.8 years since I landed my dream job, 2.5 years since my son was born, 10 months since my daughter was born…and 1 year since I really tried to hide my drinking, rather than fix it.
-I’ve hid alcohol in the house
-I’ve taken shots of liquor when everyone is outside and no one can see me
-I’ve hid empties deep down in the recycling so they are hard to find
-I’ve lied to my wife and my family when I am under the influence
-I’ve drank too much that I have hurt myself
I’ve tried Therapy, she is very nice… but something about sitting in a room with a person who “claims” they will keep your secrets freaked me out and I talked more about feelings and anxiety over the actual problem. I thought about going to a group meeting, but I had the same fears of people looking at me, then the pandemic hit and going anywhere wasn’t an option anymore.
Last week, my wife told me if she sees this continue, if she sees no improvement, it’ll be over. Not because she hates me, not because she wants the kids to grow up with me partially in their lives, because the times that are bad… now out weigh the good
I don’t know how I got here, but I dont wan’t to stay here.
This time is different, maybe its the true threat of loss, maybe its clarity. I dont know, but it’s going to happen.
There’s a lot of us in here that don’t know how we got here. We functioning alcoholics, in my opinion, are probably about the worst liars of them all LOL We lie to our family, our friends, and worst of all, to ourselves because we don’t believe that alcoholism could be true. I mean c’mon, we have worked hard to get where we are at right? Six figures, nice cars, beautiful house, great kids… What? Alcohol? “I got this like I handle my business in life!” HA! Oh ya told myself that lie 
And for way too long. But some people lose all of that, and pretty fast too. The damage is irreversible. Feel blessed that you have been given this gift of clarity in time where most things ARE reversible. And it sounds like you do have a supportive spouse…she’s got spunk…I LIKE that!!! 
Stick around and enjoy a sober life!!! HUGS!!!