Hi Everyone, I haven’t posted on here for a long time. That’s because for a long time I’ve been lost in my DOC and only recently felt strong enough to give up.
I really need some advice. I’ve been sober for 2 weeks now, and it’s not been too bad, but tonight I just blew up on my other half as I feel so frustrated.
I’m completely clean and sober now and fully intend to stay that way, but my partner still has all his vices. He drinks beer, has his adhd tablets (which I know he abuses because he likes the effect), takes painkillers and he vapes. Tonight we picked up my step son as he comes over every weekend and he absolutely stank to high heaven of weed. I know he and my partner will be drinking beer in a minute and enjoying their Saturday night while I’ve taken myself off to bed in utter fury and frustration.
Right now it feels like it’s all a bit pointless. I know I’m doing the right thing for me, so therefore can I even carry on living here while I’m trying to get myself sorted? It feels quite toxic.
I’m really confused and just so frustrated.
Do any of you have any advice? Am I just overwhelmed or over reacting?
Are you upset because he’s doing this or that you are not? And why would it be pointless for you to stop if he’s the one continuing? Questions to ask yourself. Sobriety is an action for ourselves
BTW I remember you on here in my early sobriety Welcome back!
Oh. Man. Sorry to read this. But happy you’re working it and got 2 full weeks. That’s great. I remember when I first started I didn’t even tell my wife about this app . I even lied once when she asked what I was doing. And I’m a terrible liar. But I was able to blurt out Twitter !!
After I saw I was doing this. Actually really doing this sober thing for me. Plus advice around here I finally had a nice honest talk with my wife. As you recall she was drinking pretty heavily back then. I just found a nice time to talk to her while we were walking the dogs. She said she supported me. I knew she would. But she’s gonna drink! We never have people over we don’t socialize there’s a pandemic we take seriously so that wasn’t too hard being just me and her.
And as I said at the beginning “I am doing this sober thing for me!” It’s the only sobriety I can manage. Can’t expect or manage anyone else’s actions. I had a lot of tools from Alanon because of the kids a long time ago. Alanon saved my sanity. It can be tough doing it with a partner that still parties or whatever. After awhile I was feeling so great it didn’t really matter what my wife was doing. I was grateful for the time I had with her when she was not drinking. Fast forward a year she isn’t drinking gin anymore. Just wine. What a bonus. Don’t do anything rash just yet. I believe @Lisa07 was in the same boat with her husband. She wanted to get sober a year before she did any big life changing things with her family situation. And with her being sober for that year a lot has changed in her family with her husband. Sorry Lisa. Hope you don’t mind. You’re just such a rock star
Good to see you. If you’re willing stick around more. Check in more. Join in the threads and post when you feel like it. It kept me sober.
I don’t mind at all Eric.
Welcome back @Frandango!! It was very hard for me that first year. There were many times I wanted to leave. My husband is an alcoholic and would get verbally abusive. It got to a point that we did not even talk once he had that first drink. It became a lonely life for me. We had many talks in the morning, when he was sober about how his drinking was hurting our relationship. He would feel remorse and make promises to stop but be back drinking that night. Unfortunately, I had to give an ultimatum on my 1 year soberversary. It finally worked and he’s sober now. We have a lot to work on but we’re both willing to put in the work. The best advice I have for you is to communicate how his actions make you feel. Wishing you the best and keep reaching out here for support.
Thank you so much to all of you, I really appreciate your honesty and help.
I think I am probably over reacting, and maybe feeling a bit sorry for myself so I really need to get a grip and change my perspective.
You’re all right, ultimately this is my journey and just because I’ve suddenly decided to sort myself out, I can’t expect everyone else to also do the same. It’s their choice too. I’m absolutely certain that I’m doing the right thing for me, and that’s all that really matters. Maybe it’s hormones, maybe it’s because it’s Saturday night (which definitely used to be a drinking night), maybe it’s also because it’s still so early in my journey, more likely all of these things rolled into one. But I’m so o glad I reached out on here and vented, instead of using it all as an excuse to go back to booze.
You’ve all helped me survive tonight and I consoled myself with some pizza and chocolate buttons instead.
When do we get used to having all these feelings? They suck!
Ah Lisa reading this has made my day . I’m so pleased your husband is on the soba journey with you . I often wonder how are you. Sending lots of love to you my dear friend x
I just posted this the other day. It can’t be read enough. And I Actually posted it many months ago and someone liked it last week. So I saved it because I still need this reminder.
When the resentment devil rides your back while your working your sobriety, it still does for me. Every once and awhile I resent not the fact that my wife drinks. But that “I’m doing everything” around the house. Which is ridiculous. For example I do most of the cooking she does dishes. Sometimes she’s had too much to drink and says she’ll do the washing up in the morning. It use to make me angry. She really would do the dishes in the morning. If I let her. But I like them done at night. So I cook and do washing up that night. I have to remember that is MY choice. Just one easy example.
One of the most amazing things about this reading is that I read it the morning after I was having a very resentful evening about the stupid washing up.
I’d say you’ve come back to the perfect place to get all the best advice! It’s great to see you back =) You know you’re making the right choice when even in the most challenging circumstances, efforts are made to get back to the program that made life better. I’m still experiencing the gifts of the program whether they are what I asked for or just surrendering to my HP allowing what will be to be.
As far as advice goes… It’s always a slippery slope to hand it out here for me because I’m afraid I may anger someone and cause them to go out again and Lord knows that is and never will be my intention with this program. That being said, let me share a quick story with you:
Last night I collected a two year birthday chip!! TWO WHOLE YEARS* you see that asterisk sign? I smoked pot for about two weeks at the beginning of the year after I had been in a motorcycle accident to help with the pain. After the two weeks and the pain became bearable without cannabis, I realized how far I’d drifted away from my HP and that substances of any sort would damage my ability to grow along spiritual lines. Next step for me was CALLING MY SPONSOR and admitting that I had smoked weed. He suggested going to meetings for 30 days in a row, reading over step one again and admitting that I was powerless over something besides alcohol and although I say it was for pain, i realized it was also an excuse to try it again. I have an addicts brain, no matter the substance. My brain is trying to kill me.
I guess my point is this: be honest with yourself, then forgive yourself. Full stop. Everything gets a little easier after that.
If you start digging down to the finest grain of being that you are and are HONEST WITH YOURSELF, then admitting your wrongs to others will come easier and after all this abuse we’ve done to ourselves we will be free. Your other half has a life to live with choices and decisions and goals and successes that might not align with you and if your sobriety means more to you than you do to him, his actions will only keep you locked up and held down from being the truly free person you deserve to be.
I hope this doesn’t come off as aggressive or inconsiderate but I would be devastated to see someone who’s put in work, slipped like I have, and not come back stronger and more committed after getting a taste of what AA and a sober life can offer us who have already taken so much!
Now I’m just rambling… We love you Fran and we’re happy to see you!
@Dazercat that passage is perfect, thank you. I can clearly see that you’ve struggled with the same thoughts as me. Thank you for always being so patient, kind and wise.
Hi there and so wonderful to see you back (tho in all honesty I am not around here much at all either). I can hear your frustration with the situation and I can relate, as my spouse still drinks. I know that questioning of how the heck does sobriety work with a partner who drinks? You asked for advice, so I will share my experience.
I relapsed a lot in my early sobriety because I was unable to separate (or yet understand) the difference between his drinking and my sobriety. It was frustrating and infuriating for sure. How could I achieve sobriety around people drinking? It felt really impossible and I felt unsupported and angry, a lot. Then I stumbled into this community and one of the wise women here suggested that I focus 100% on what was in my control (my sobriety) and let go of trying to control what was not under my control (others drinking around me). It was a true aha moment for me and a big turning point in my sobriety.
And frankly, a relief. I don’t have to worry about what he is doing, drinking or not, I just have to focus on what I want most…a clear clean sober me. One less thing to worry about.
Now that didn’t all of a sudden make achieving sobriety easy, not at all, but it DID help me shift my focus from blaming others for my drinking to realizing I can and do control whether I drink or not. 100% it is my responsibility, his drinking is his responsibility and it is okay if we are in different places on this.
So, I spent a lot of nights putting myself to bed early when he drank or a party raged around me. Lots of time walking or running or meditating or journaling or being on here or soaking in a bathtub…solo nurturing healing activities for me. I put all my focus into my sobriety (which as a retired person I was able to, so I understand others have way more responsibilities to work with).
Keeping the focus on what we can control…whether or not we pick up that drink…is where it is at for me. I don’t have to drink because others are drinking around me. For myself, this got way easier over time, but it was 100% a struggle to get there…but 100% the grandest most important struggle of my life. Working toward our own personal goals …sobriety / recovery … what could be more important? Who could be more important than YOU. You are the star of your life and worthy of a happy healthy healing life.
Letting go of the need to control others. Letting go of the pain and anger at their choices, the blaming…it can set us free. Free to focus our energy where it belongs…on our one beautiful self…who is so worthy of healing. You are so worthy of a strong loving healthy life. Don’t ever forget that.
If you would like a little more inspiration or advice, this old thread includes links to other threads where people have traveled this path before and with us…
4 years later he still drinks and I don’t. It is far from a perfect union. I am far from perfect, as is he. But perfection is no goal, nor realistic. For us, we know our hearts and the strength of our union, despite our being fallible humans…and while our relationship isn’t always bright and sparkly, it does bring us both joy and comfort amidst our imperfections.
Oh my, that was long…if you stuck with me, know you are not alone, sobriety can be achieved, our resentments can be healed, we can be healed and you are free to focus on the most important relationship you will ever have…your relationship with your self.
How do you stay sober in a non-sober house? You keep making the choice not to drink/use. And you follow through with that choice…hourly, daily, weekly, monthly etc. The truth is that you own your problem and your sobriety. Your frustration is because you are going through a major life change and they staying in the same place. It really is that simple.
Meanwhile, how old is your stepson? Is he over the legal age? Because your post raised concerns.
@SassyRocks your advice is perfect, spot on. You’re right, I can’t control what someone else wants to do, or what path they’re on. Normally my other half drinking beer doesn’t bother me, I don’t even like beer and frankly this morning he was in bed for a couple of hours longer than me, and I was up, showered and drinking coffee for a couple of peaceful hours before he managed to rise. That was a win!
Like you, I took myself off to bed last night early and read my book. Early nights are a bit of a habit now and helping me to rack up the days, which really means the world to me right now.
Thank you for spending so much time on your reply to me, I really do appreciate it.
I will be rereading everyone’s reply to me on here. I’m determined to grow and learn how to get through all these confusing and frustrating feelings without the asshole that we call alcohol!
@KFair90 thanks for your reply. My step son is in his late teens. His weed habit is a great concern to me too, but I’m told that ‘they all do it.’ I think part of my frustration is that I hate him doing it, I really want him to have a better life, and to achieve more, but most of the time he can’t be bothered with anything. I’m not sure if that’s down to the weed or the fact he is a teenager but he’s also not with us enough for us to have any kind of positive effect on him. He lives with his mum, who also smokes lots of weed, so what chance does he have?
Sorry, I’ve ranted a bit there. It’s a sore point with me.
Questions to ask yourself. Sobriety is an action for ourselves 
Welcome back!
. I even lied once when she asked what I was doing. And I’m a terrible liar. But I was able to blurt out Twitter !!
