Hi there and so wonderful to see you back (tho in all honesty I am not around here much at all either). I can hear your frustration with the situation and I can relate, as my spouse still drinks. I know that questioning of how the heck does sobriety work with a partner who drinks? You asked for advice, so I will share my experience.
I relapsed a lot in my early sobriety because I was unable to separate (or yet understand) the difference between his drinking and my sobriety. It was frustrating and infuriating for sure. How could I achieve sobriety around people drinking? It felt really impossible and I felt unsupported and angry, a lot. Then I stumbled into this community and one of the wise women here suggested that I focus 100% on what was in my control (my sobriety) and let go of trying to control what was not under my control (others drinking around me). It was a true aha moment for me and a big turning point in my sobriety.
And frankly, a relief. I don’t have to worry about what he is doing, drinking or not, I just have to focus on what I want most…a clear clean sober me. One less thing to worry about.
Now that didn’t all of a sudden make achieving sobriety easy, not at all, but it DID help me shift my focus from blaming others for my drinking to realizing I can and do control whether I drink or not. 100% it is my responsibility, his drinking is his responsibility and it is okay if we are in different places on this.
So, I spent a lot of nights putting myself to bed early when he drank or a party raged around me. Lots of time walking or running or meditating or journaling or being on here or soaking in a bathtub…solo nurturing healing activities for me. I put all my focus into my sobriety (which as a retired person I was able to, so I understand others have way more responsibilities to work with).
Keeping the focus on what we can control…whether or not we pick up that drink…is where it is at for me. I don’t have to drink because others are drinking around me. For myself, this got way easier over time, but it was 100% a struggle to get there…but 100% the grandest most important struggle of my life. Working toward our own personal goals …sobriety / recovery … what could be more important? Who could be more important than YOU. You are the star of your life and worthy of a happy healthy healing life.
Letting go of the need to control others. Letting go of the pain and anger at their choices, the blaming…it can set us free. Free to focus our energy where it belongs…on our one beautiful self…who is so worthy of healing. You are so worthy of a strong loving healthy life. Don’t ever forget that.
If you would like a little more inspiration or advice, this old thread includes links to other threads where people have traveled this path before and with us…
4 years later he still drinks and I don’t. It is far from a perfect union. I am far from perfect, as is he. But perfection is no goal, nor realistic. For us, we know our hearts and the strength of our union, despite our being fallible humans…and while our relationship isn’t always bright and sparkly, it does bring us both joy and comfort amidst our imperfections.
Oh my, that was long…if you stuck with me, know you are not alone, sobriety can be achieved, our resentments can be healed, we can be healed and you are free to focus on the most important relationship you will ever have…your relationship with your self.
Be well and walk strong! 