I had 2 relapses, both between 45-60 days sober. One lasted about a year. The other about 4 months.
Once I finally surrendered and stopped trying to run on willpower things fell into place. Rehab, IOP, AA (working the steps), and therapy were my primary tools.
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I think I’ve reached the point today where I am so sick of feeling guilty and then physically sick from that feeling over something that doesn’t help me or feel great anymore and that I’m ashamed of. Im sick of spending the money then not having it for the things I REALLY want. I’m not physically addicted but the psychological addiction is the hardest thing for me apparently. I am split down the middle with one half saying yes and the other saying no and then they make deals of just one more or this was a hard day you deserve it and that’s where I’m getting the every few days cycle from but I’m so sick of it. I can’t be crying in the tub after every time trying to calm myself in a hot bath. This is ridiculous and I’m just done with feeling like this from my own devil on my shoulder. I have to be stronger and louder than that, I just have to be.
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If it’s one thing I’ve really learned on this forum is the importance of self forgiveness and love. It’s so easy to hate yourself and hold the past over yourself instead of forgiving and loving yourself. Everyone makes mistakes and has bad moments in their journey. I think my relationship with alcohol is a lot like you described. I loved the taste of alcohol and my mind really convinced me my habits were normal, that and the people around me. My relationship with nicotine is pure physical lol. The thing with nicotine is it doesn’t impair my judgement so it was always easier to justify that one because although it’s bad for my health it didn’t pose a risk like alcohol of impairing my ability to function.
I think a positive you can pull from your journey is that you recognize your lifestyle isn’t something you’re happy with and you admitted it’s a problem. That really is the hardest step to take because it means admitting to yourself that you’re flawed somehow and no one wants to look at themselves that way. But everyone has flaws!
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Its extremely difficult to break the cycle of addiction its well documented and 100% not a lack of self will or weakness. Look at all the groups, doctors, rehabs, etc. They are all necessary for a reason. Its hard work! But its sooooooooo worth it!
Its difficult but not impossible. Youre on your way with seeking out help and being so honest. If you keep doing that then you can do this!
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Quiting drinking is the hardest thing I ever did in my life. I found it more difficult then giving birth to my 3 kids. And it where difficult childbirths.
Don’t give up, ever!
I had my share of relapses.
Use the relapse to add something more to your recovery. Try something different and beside that give yourself some slack (not too much 
)
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I’m one of those weird ppl who has not relapsed (yet, as the reminder goes). I feel blessed because of it, especially when I see others struggle in the relapse cycle, but also like I don’t belong sometimes. I’m also proud of it. Then I worry that I’ve had it too easy or other ppl might think I’ve had it too easy. But that’s noise.
I remember how my drinking was and I fit right in with everyone on here. My life was a shitshow. And I went into and through early recovery just as dedicated, frightened, lost, commited and curious as everyone else who’s managed to stay sober a long time. I worked my ass off to stay sober and turn my life around and it’s working.
Here are some resources that have helped others: Resources for our recovery
And what ppl with long term sobriety can pass on: Your #1 tip for sobriety (over 2 years sober)
Best of luck!
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It was a journey for me. Of course I can only see that today, backwards.
First sober episode was forced on me, 8 weeks and I felt soooo good. I was in therapy for depression in a 12 step clinic. Went back directly after rehab. Then some months later recognised I had a real problem but the surrender thing was nothing I could understand. Stayed sober 90 days and struggled on and off so desperately for another 3 months or so. Then on 04-Nov-2018 I could let go of it. I am grateful for this. Now the struggle is facing the world with sober eyes.
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I have had a few. Therapy and aa have been very helpful for me. We gotta forgive ourself and remember that this is a journey that will have bumps but we need to get up and not self loathe. I still need to find things to preoccupy myself and keep going to my meetings. Good luck and dont be hard on yourself
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I had two Big relapses last year (couldn’t stay sober more than 4-5 days) and 2,5 months sober. I’m one week today and I know i’ve learned a lot by attending meetings and trying to put my intentions listed and Reading people here.
Also this Time I’m taking vitamines (B1) so I don’t have headaches or this strong fatigue (less tired) and I’m not sweating like for the other attempt. I know it’s différent I feel calm. I know what I have to work on (the anger I didn’t knew I have in me). So I’m Reading a Book about that.
So to answer It’s difficult and and painful but it gets better… I know it’s not over. One day at a Time and I’m trying to be nice to me.
Sending you all the strenght 
( and sorry for typos etc …I’m french speaking)
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It was really hard, it took a lot of effort and work to get past the physical cravings.
Mentally it still takes work, I think that is part of being an alcoholic. That said, the rewards are WELL worth the effort.
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Im day 138…no relapses in that time…for me its one of the most difficult things ive ever done…these 138 days feel like they should have been 3 years for the amount of soul searching and hard work ive put in but with that said its probably the best thing ive ever done for myself and the people around me, some days are amazing, some days are extremely difficult but im doing it
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Yes, and I appreciate you mentioning the psychological effects of continued drinking. I played the “half in/half out” of committing to sobriety for several years. I have some regret over wasting those years.
My hope for you is that you realize you are worthy of a sober life. It’s much better than the continual cycle of relapse that you were on, and I was on as well. One thing that I think is so important, keep adding to that toolbox and be willing to try other things to get and stay sober. For instance, if you haven’t engaged in a sobriety support group outside of talking sober, I would explore that I participate in local AA and The Luckiest Club. You don’t have to do this alone.
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Very well said Ellie 
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Facing the world with sober eyes… .i struggle with this too… .sometimes i cant seem to get past the fact that life is just always going to be a struggle
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I struggled and eventually failed every time I tried doing it on my own and with sheer willpower.
How could a mind who basically wants to kill me slowly, figure out on its own how to save me. Answer, it can’t.
So I didn’t do it alone. I got help.
Sobriety is only a struggle if you allow it to be. I see far too many people shunning in person recovery groups,
“they freak me out”
“I’m embarrassed”
“too far”
“too local”
They’re excuses. Excuse because people don’t want to admit that unfortunately in order to live out their lives they are going to have to do something wayyyyyy out of their comfort zone.
Step 1.
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, drugs, sex, whatever —that our lives had become unmanageable
I’ve found in nearly 5 years of sobriety people who struggle haven’t fully nailed that and the ones that have, have a far easier time adjusting to a life without that shit.
And don’t get me wrong. It took me a further 5 years after first being told this to finally get it. All I can tell is my story and how easy it was when I finally accepted what I am.
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I havent relapsed yet but it took awhile for me to commit to a sober life. I did dry january. Then after digging a deeper hole i decided to do dry may but love the positives of sobriety so much i decided to see how long i could go. I now have a little over 8 months.
It was hardest the first 3 weeks. The mental struggle and habits had to be worked thru. If im honest, i get fleeting thoughts of picking up but i acknowledge them and let them go.
Be willing and open to momentary discomfort for long term results
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I spent a good 5 years, maybe longer, in a cycle of drinking / cutting down / drinking / try some other way to still drink but not get blackout / blackout drunk / try something else.
Then I spent about 5 years drinking / quitting for a few weeks / drinking for months / quitting for a few days or a week / drinking for xyz time / and on and on.
It was definitely a process and I learned a lot along the way. By the start of my final quit (the one that stuck) I was desperate to stop and contemplated suicide nearly every day. 6 days in to my final quit I found this place.
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It was hard until I started doing more than just “not drinking”. Once I decided to see a therapist and then participate in a sobriety program suddenly staying sober was MUCH LESS hard. That isn’t to say that there aren’t still hard days but it is next to impossible if “not using” is the only plan
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This was me to a T. It’s one thing to know you have a problem, it’s another to accept it. Took me forever to accept it, even though I was desperate to do so. I consider myself very lucky, as so many struggle with this first step. Thanks for posting this. This is a great thread.
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I get this 100%. Took me forever for it all to ‘click’ and really turn the corner. I credit this community and the support to a great deal of that.
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