My marriage is falling apart after 23 years. Every day something else falls away into memories. There is very little love left and we are moving towards the inevitable.
How do I deal with this and my sobriety at the same time? Any pointers?
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20 plus years and also attempting to be sober and remain married. Communication, therapy, and date nights… Also something called “the 5 love languages”, read it share it and focus on her 2 top and she on your 2 top. Sorry that’s all I got at the moment, its wayyy deeper then anything I just wrote and I am also in the beginning stages of attempting to make this work.
Its hard for my SO. I am rapidly changing and he is confused and feels like we no longer have anything in common. Also that because I am changing this must mean I need to figure it out 
. We have some history that of course adds layers and also has elements that had me drinking to escape from in the first place. I am sure this isn’t a unique situation.
Everyone on this thread who are way wiser then me also said " Don’t do anything stupid or make any big decisions for at least a year maybe two after becoming sober.
Also use the search function…we are not the first to ride in this rodeo.
Wishing u the best.
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Lots of meetings. Pray journal your feelings! Don’t isolate for sure! And keep on keeping on!
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I’ve been reading 8 Dates by John & Julie Gottman… you should look into some of their work, they have been researching relationships for over 40 years.
Also, I’m sorry things are tough right now. Sometimes things need to fall apart to be put back together even better.
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I’m really sorry to hear this. All I can say is that whether there is or is not anything left to salvage, you will be better able to see and navigate if you are clear headed and sober. If it’s over, it’s over. While I know it is tempting, hiding behind the drink surely won’t help anything and could make things worse. Don’t sabotage yourself when you’re down. Take care of yourself during hard times; drink lots of water, get sleep, do yoga and exercise. Keep your head and your strength and your faith. Sorry again.
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Just know that using will make things way worse. It seems like an easy escape, but it’ll invariably become way more painful. If it’s meant to be, wonderful. If you get a divorce, you’ll find love again and you’ll also have your sobriety. It all takes hard work but I know you can do it. It seems overwhelmingly right now, but the sun will come up tomorrow and you’ll have better days than you’re feeling right now.
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I feel ya man. I feel my marriage also dissolving, after 24 years. I’ve actually tried making this same post several times today and ended up deleting it. I figure I have 2 options, I can stay sober and work on it or I can stay sober and give up. Either way, I’m staying sober, I have to.
I dont know what I’m going to do tho, I’ll be sleeping on it.
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We mostly communicate just the bare r essentials. She won’t go for therapy. And we haven’t been on a date since I can remember. I have limited control on the first two but I can work with the third one. A date sounds nice.
Thanks for the pointers.
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Sorry to read this pal.
My wife and I are coming up on just 13 years, we shouldn’t have made it past 4 years really. It was all but over until we got sober, did therapy together and put some more priority on having us time, away from the kids.
If you want to fight for it it won’t do any good if they don’t, that was my big takeaway from therapy.
I recommend couples therapy, honesty in feelings and acknowledgement of each other’s feelings. Obviously you can’t control hers, only yours but it’s on your shoulders to do what you can if you want the boat to stay afloat.
Sobriety is often a shock for the significant other, because life changes drastically when it works.
Stay strong, don’t run and hide in a bottle, it won’t help.
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Good on you for taking the suggestions. I did not know from your post if you were still trying to work on it or wanting help dealing with the end of the marriage. Defo wish you good luck, whatever the outcome! Sobriety is your only bet if you want to save your marriage or come out in any way clear headed, not entirely lost.
Also wanted to point out that you have control on your side of the communication as well. You can change your bare minimum contact from your side. Maybe you can surprise your wife by gradually showing yourself more, being more vulnerable and honest with her? It’s hard to learn to do but no sober relationship can do without it. I know I craved that from my partner and he has learned, is learning. Sobriety puts a toll on any relationship.
Best to you!
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23 years deserves some amount of fight 
I want it to work but I am confused too. She is no longer the same person she was. It is as if we have become strangers and we have forgotten to communicate.
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My friend she is not the same,
Likewise you are not the same
Humans are dynamic creatures I am sure you aren’t the same as you were 23 years ago, I know I am not,
If you feel it’s worth fighting for don’t give up that fight, get on that horse, go to therapy even if it means going solo,
Date night man, if there’s one thing I can’t stress enough is just one night a week were your attention is each other, no work, no phones no kids or friends, just you and your spouse it’s a great way to reconnect, we get lost in ourselves sometimes and forget to nurture those we love the most, Date night is exactly what that’s for.
I wish you all the best man and I hope she comes around or your both find a peaceful resolution
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I agree with you @Fargesia_murielae - communication can and probably will solve a lot. However there is another major problem with the situation.
I am a tech nerd. I never grew up mentally after my early twenties. I love computers, gadgets, programming, hacking (officially retired), sci fi and superhero movies, motorbikes. very tall and dangerous mountains and things like that.
She is a lioness. She protects our kids feircely and loves them unconditionally. She is probably the best monther I have ever seen. She is all grown up.
Currently, she got out of corporate life and is running social projects with farmers, mobilizing villages and getting them into high value organic farming.
When we started out together, we communicated quite well. People told us that we were the perfect couple. We could communicate by just looking at each other’s eyes. We could feel what the other person was feeling.
Over the years, she grew into an awesome mother, whom our kids worship. I took a backseat in her life. I mentally stayed a kid. Still fond of superhero movies, video games, assorted pets, socially unforgivable behaviour, super dangerous ideas (dangerous only to myseld) and now Artificial Intelligence.
Our communication dwindled down into the bare basics. Nowadays we don’t communicate with our eyes. We hardly talk. My dreams bore her and her’s are interesting but they are of a world which is totally alien to me. She tells me that my stuff doesn’t interest her at all. Her world is boring for me.
Everything about her is different. She grew up in a happy home, a happy childhood, with normal siblings and other family members. Mine was hugely messed up. Right now I don’t have any family members who haven’t disowned me.
She is sober, methodical, determined and honest. I am neither of those. There are very few things which remain common for both of us.
I fell in love with a person who doesn’t exist anymore.
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That’s a though one. You only might know the answer. Of course it might be worth a fight. But not if that means losing yourself. Everything you put in front of your own recovery you’ll loose eventually. I speak from experience, although after my last rock bottom there was only scourged earth left we tried to get back together. But I geuss while in recovery the gap between the ones close to us and ourselves might growth. What seems small steps for us, are giant leaps for the outside world. They just can’t keep up or can’t understand the growth and changes the one in recovery undergoes. Communication might help here, but it might be a bridge to far to be dealt with right away.
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Hi MC, I’m sorry you are struggling. 23 years is a long time. I’ve been married 25 years this year and sober for 715 days of that time (including time before relapse) I have been on here a few times openly talking about my marriage and the fact that I was unsure mine would survive my sobriety. In the beginning of my journey all physical contact was a complete no no from me. I did not want to be touched at all. I wrote a thread on here ages ago asking if a marriage can survive without sex. I personally have been through this challenge that you are facing. I can only tell you what worked for me and is working for me still… Communication was a key thing. I was open and honest about how I was feeling and this then encouraged my hub to be the same. It was a hard journey with many lows but I feel that now we are slowly starting to come through it. We didn’t share intimacy for nearly two years!!! 20+ years is a long time to be together and is definitely worth working on. I also have to say that the current situation around the world with covid is a massive stressor on a marriage. It is effecting everyone in one way or another and was definitely part of my hardship. Keep the communication open even if it’s just from your side to start off with, she will talk when you do. I wish all the best for both of you. Sober is the only way! Change is scary but not a bad thing. I reckon that you could both come out of this together and stronger just give it time 
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I think I will try and start with a date. Need to think about the venue and the occasion. It will be difficult. She normally doesn’t like the places I like. As for the talking, and communicating, I don’t know what to do. The topics which interest me and excite me, she gets bored by them. She said so. Many times. I know nothing about her world. Farming, marketing, normal stuff. I will be in unfamiliar territory.
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My wIfe told me to get sober or she would divorce me. So I got sober and she divorced me anyway. But being sober made things better. We had an amicable separation and we are still friends. Navigating the legal and financial bits with a clear head was easier too.
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You are wise, O internet stranger. Now all I need is to do, is find something which falls into a cusp of her world and mine. Both entities must be part of any conversation. That would require some time and patience. And probably a few long walks
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@Fargesia_murielae, you always know what to say! I’m so glad we got you my friend @manishc my hubbies loves are mountain biking, blacksmithing (we hire a workshop for his forge) and fishing (only a few times a year) I find them not my thing but…When he makes something at the forge I show an interest as I love arts and crafts, when he mountain bikes, I love to cook, so I always make something nice for his return and when he’s with the lads I put the bbq on (uk remember 
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and the fish, if on the slight chance he catches one, we eat. He knows I love to cook so I got us subscribed to simply cook where they send recipes to try and we have started cooking together. It has taken along time to reconnect but I want you to know that it is possible… don’t lose hope. She’s still the woman you fell in love with it’s just life has a way of burying us. That’s one of the reasons I became a raging wino… you are thinking about how to make it better that means that you still stand a chance
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First contact established successfully.
I got an idea which might interest her. In their world the words “artificial intelligence” is quite marketable. I told her about an AI which could be part of her farming project and could make it much more efficient. She likes the idea and thinks it could work. Now she wants me to create a presentation for her 
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