Hey y’all. First time posting. Laying here in bed trying to get my brain to turn off like I do most nights. The things I did when I was drinking always come back when I don’t have enough distractions. I don’t know how I’ll ever escape the shame and pain I feel from the choices I made when I was drinking. I’ve caused so much damage most of all to myself. No matter how many days/months/ years I have of sobriety under my belt, thoughts of the things I’ve done still resurface. I feel like such a horrible person and I’m not sure how to convince myself I’m not. I know I’m not doing those things anymore but I feel like they still have power over me. I don’t want to let them. I’ve been sober for 87 days and it just feels impossible to try and stay sober while working through these feelings that are so fresh and real. No alcohol to help me deal with this stuff anymore!!! Feeling feelings kinda sucks! No im rambling. I just don’t know how to reconcile who I WAS when I was an alcoholic, and who I am now SOBER (still an alcoholic). I want to feel brave and proud and instead I just feel guilty and embarrassed and very worthless. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel good and free when I am fully aware of how alcohol took over my life and I did things that are y forgivable. I’m rambling I couldn’t sleep bc of how many thoughts were racing through my head. So thanks for reading and listening. It helps to know that I’m not alone and there are people who totally GET IT. Thanks y’all!!
Yes! I’m in AA and I have a sponsor. I’m only on step 2. Maybe as I work through them I’ll get some help…
Welcome to the community Jennifer. This is a good place for an alcoholic like me. You will find a lot of support and motivation. Lots of good people here to bounce thoughts an ideas off of. Talking Sober in conjunction with Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, working at 12 step program with a sponsor has been an incredible positive step in my life. The promises do come true in one’s life if you’re willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean and sober. Keep reaching out and stay connected. Again welcome Jennifer.
I get exactly what you are saying. Things of the past can eat you alive. One thing helped me that I had never heard of anyone doing. I was in my car on the way to work. I had to drive an hour both ways, so I had plenty of time to torture myself by thinking about the past. I was really distraught one day and began talking outloud. Specifically, I asked myself “do you like the way this makes you feel?” I kept doing this and getting louder every time. Finally I answered myself and said no. I was actually screaming at myself “no I dont.” I don’t like the way these thoughts make me feel. As long as I’m not drinking, these thoughts never come up. As soon as I drink a beer, the thoughts and anger come back. So I start over. I finally had to convince myself that no matter what I do or how much I torture myself about the past, I can’t change any of it. Every time I drink I start over on sobriety. Even if I’m starting over, at least I’m not giving up is the way I see it.
I found working the steps helped too. In steps 4 and 5, I learned that a lot of the bad things I did were triggered by fear. I could have more sympathy for myself when I saw that. And in steps 8 and 9, I became ready to face them and make amends. Knowing I am making amends feels productive and I have more forgiveness towards myself.
I think what you are going through is the reality for pretty much anyone entering the early stages of getting sober. The cycle of shame/guilt/anxiety is what kept us reaching for the bottle. I know in AA they talk about making amends, and building self esteem by doing esteem-able things.
I can only speak for myself, but what helped me was to dedicate myself to self improvement in every aspect of my life. This started with my health - nothing makes you feel like a changed person more than giving your body a new lease on life. Run, swim, walk, cycle, gym, yoga. The list goes on. Find what works for you.
You may also want to try volunteering or joining a community group. These are things that separate the new you from the old you. You need to solidify the change by really truly believing you are a different person and the only way to do that is to do things differently. Good luck. You can do it.
I really empathise with how you feel here and I’m sorry you are going through it. I’m not in a programme myself, but from a lot of research and reading it seems that this could help once you reach the point of facing past behaviour and making amends.
Until then, though, please just try allow yourself some grace. You are human. There is nothing you will have done that hasn’t been done before. Ans you are not that person now. You are 87 days sober. That is amazing. Please try do one good thing for yourself every day, or talk kindly to yourself or push yourself to try something new. Just use your day for good for YOU just once a day. This will start to build up that self esteem thsf will in time allow you to pit to rest the past, I’m sure of it, if you keep going. 
You have the answer right in the palm of your hand: you decide to be better, and then work to be better. Every day sober you get better at getting better. Better today than you were yesterday, and tomorrow better still.
Better begins with sober, but it doesn’t end there. A better you is a better friend, partner, employee…human. Right now you are learning to help yourself, to make your life better. Once you have a firm sober foundation, maybe think about helping others. Volunteer at an animal rescue, or homeless shelter. Help a neighbor.
The best way to keep weeds out of your lawn is to grow good grass. The best way to avoid regretful memories is to build a bunch of memories you can be proud of.
Peace.
I would recommend healing your heart, we have all made bad decisions thats how we all wound up on this forum. That doesn’t define any of us are soon to be addicts in recovery as bad people, good people do bad things. All people have the ability to become good or evil, and learning to live with the truth and accept, the past is a time to learn from and to grow from. Ultimately in the present you can make a difference and change your future into something much better. You are capable of doing this and you will, just give yourself belief and let your heart, soul and mind heal from the past.
The first year was a struggle at times for me. I put down the drink then I was left with all these thoughts and feelings. I found myself trying to fill the gaps with ppl, buying things, cooking eating you name it I was probably trying it. Like most everyone said the steps 4-12 carved out a life I didn’t know I wanted. It changed me in ways I never thought possible. The funny thing was in the beginning I was afraid to change. Step 3 for me was answering the question am I willing to do the remaining steps? Yes. Then I started the inventory. Today I have a better understanding of myself so I can use better tools then my character defects. I wish you the best. I happy that you are working a program. This is a great tool and has helped keep me sober in between meetings.
Thanks! Appreciate it. Moving forward on the steps I hope will bring some peace.
You’re right @anon83587935 I need to remember that’s it’s slow growth. I get this mindset where now that I’m sober everything just automatically gets better. And even though a lot of things do some things take work and time. Good reminder. Thanks so much!
Thank you so much. appreciate the mind encouraging words!!!
@Jennmerr81 - whether it is the right or wrong way of managing it, I try and separate out what I am responsible for and what my ADDICTION is responsible for.
The devastating choices that I made under the influence, where the actions of my addiction and not me. I didn’t do those things before I started drinking or after I stopped. I imagine my addiction as a little alien inside of me that was making me do these things.
What I do have responsibility for is making sure that I do not let the addiction/alien back into my body/life, so he cannot get up to his old tricks of wrecking someone who is otherwise a great guy.
If you start thinking of all those things as the actions of your addiction and not you, it starts to make sense and helped me forgive myself.
The steps have helped me forgive myself.
What your feeling is par for the course.
The ninth step promises started coming true for me before I started step nine.
Stay on course! Your doing great!
I understand your feelings very well and Step 4 was amazing for me. It laid all my cards out on the table and allowed me to see what had been building up inside me over the course of my life. Those thoughts of shame still try to flood my head but I have the tools to turn them away now, so the long sleepless nights don’t happen anymore. I know I have done some unforgivable things in my life but I am not a terrible person. I am kind, I am thoughtful and I am willing to work hard on myself so that I don’t ever make mistakes like I have in the past again.
It will get better for you too Jenn just hang on tight. It’s not easy put it is possible and you’re doing a great job. Congrats on your days.
Sending strength and love.
Thanks for sharing 
The topic caught my attention and one of my favorite quotes ever instantly came to mind reading it. I will just leave it here for you:
“We do not heal the past by dwelling there. We heal the past by living fully in the present.”
Dont be hard on yourself. be proud of the person you are today and the new you the real you.i left the old addiction darren behind with everything bad iv done.everyday im happy with myself because I know the new me is the real me.we are all good people the addiction took us over made us make horrible decisions but the only way you can right all the wrongs is by being the real you the good person you are its the only way forward.drive on keep going best of luck
Step 2 can help you with this. If you define sanity as release from obsession with the past and rumination on it, then you can come to believe this peace of mind will be restored to you. I found steps 3-5 brought about that release, after I believed it was possible.
And in this regard, there’s a motivational quote floating around that says " If you believe you can, or if you believe you can’t, you are right ".