Grateful that a notification led me back to this thread. Itās good to read over and remember. Itās been one year, four months now since.
Happy to be sober today. Looking forward to another wonderful, sober day tomorrow 
14 Likes
500 days sober 
I still think about this lapse day and why it happened. How that first drink quickly turned into many. How I lost all control and was blackout drunk. More importantly, I havenāt forgotten how sad and regretful I felt the next day. As well as embarrassed, scared, shocked, anxious and sick!
Sobriety really is a blessing.
29 Likes
Congratulations on your 500 days!! Love this thread and your hard work and determination. 
3 Likes
Congratulations!!!
1 Like
Yay! 500 days! Thanks for posting updates on your thread. Itās a great resource and important message for all of us.
1 Like
that is fantastic! 500 days of freedom!
2 Likes
Woo hoo! Congratulations on 500 days!
What a fantastic come back youāve made. Truly an inspiration!
3 Likes
Congratulations on your 500 days emc
I canāt believe itās been 500 days since you started this thread. Your story has helped me stay sober. Thank you for that. Congratulations again.
Iām glad your here.
1 Like
Doing the heavy lifting!
Congratulations on your 500 
1 Like
Congrats
1 Like
Need to vent, so thought the best place to do so is here on this tread so that I am also reminded of what happened when I decided to drink the last time.
Iāve had a really tough day. It was an exhausting day at work, and when the work day was done I felt physically and mentally drained. I went home to my Grandadās house - I kind of moved into his house earlier this year when he went to hospital after a fall and we realised he would be there a while and then need to also spend some time in respite care before he would be able to return to his home. I looked after his home and pet for him whilst he was there and he only returned home just under 3 weeks ago. I decided to stay with him for the 3 weeks as 1. I wanted to be at the house to make sure he would be ok. 2. I could cook and clean for him, as he couldnāt do these things for himself now. 3. It was only for 3 weeks max and I had booked my trip to Spain already - where I am going for 3 months. My parents were really happy that I was there with him at home and able to help him out.
The trouble is (and I always knew it would be) is that my Grandad isnāt a very nice person. He never has been. He wasnāt nice to my Nana (she passed in 2019), heās never got anything nice to say to anyone - especially not his grandchildren! He makes all feel like we are ābadā. Iām not the only one in the family who feels this way about him - mostly everyone does. The only person he treats with a little bit of respect and decency is two of his three sons - my dad and my uncle. My other uncle, his son, isnāt and hasnāt been treated well either.
Tonight, when I got home, Dad was there visiting, and we started to talk about what I was cooking Grandad and I for dinner. I told Dad I would cook some veggies with mash potato and either chicken or fish - whichever Grandad prefers. Then Grandad makes a comment to Dad, that āIāve only cooked onceā since Iāve been thereā¦. Untrue, because I have cooked every night for him other than 3 nights (one where mum cooked him a dinner and two others where I was out and had organised his dinners in my absence. Iāve been cleaning his house day and night like crazy, itās been quite the job, as because of his mobility and use of walkers and very poor eyesight, everyday day Iām sweeping, vacuuming and mopping floors, picking up tissues etc and doing his washing, the dishes etc - all of this cleaning hasnāt really been a bother to me though, as it needed to be done and I was glad to be able to do it. Exhausting though after a full days work (especially as a teacher in a challenging school) to come home and care for my Grandad and his household. So, his comment really hurt my feelings. I am the type of person who is ALWAYS trying to ādo the right thingā and I am a people pleaser and suffer a lot of anxiety and perfectionism. So this type of negative comment really hurt. In the past, I would react emotionally and say things I regret. But, I recognised the feeling I had and knew to get myself out of there. As I got in my car and drove away, I though about how alcohol would help me stop feeling hurt and sad. Thankfully, I disregarded the idea and drove to Mumās and talked to her. STUPIDLY, however, a little later, I went back to Grandadās because I remember I had put washing in the machine and I needed to hang it out. I decided to go in and do that and not engage with him other than a polite hello, I would hang out the washing then go back to Mumās house. Grandad wanted to talk though - asking me what was going on. I tried to tell him how what he said hurt my feelings, but before I even got 3/4 words in he started talking saying Iām wrong and then proceeded to say all this other stuff (some of which didnāt even make sense) and it just got heated from there. I tried to stay calm in the beginning and try to clarify with him what he was saying and tried to explain what I couldā¦. But then my emotional overwhelm happened and a switch flicked and I said some things emotionally that were horrible. As I realised what I was doing I got out of there quickly, got into my car and broke down. Crying so much and just hating myself and him and the whole situation. It took ages to calm down. I thought a lot about how much I wanted to numb the pain. Not an option though. I knew I had to feel all these feelings, and I knew I would (hopefully) find the courage within to let it pass and to take the next right step. I drove back to my parents place and talked to them somewhat about it. At first my Dad was angry and upset. But they know what heās like. I cried to Mum, telling her how stressful this all is. We then watched a movie together. I have to go to Grandadās tomorrow to get my things. I donāt want to see him, I donāt want to face him. He is just such a nasty man and he never has remorse for what he says or does to others. I am angry that I do have remorse, but I know I am a good person, a good granddaughter and a kind-hearted and loving person. I donāt need to be treated that way, and he doesnāt get a free pass just because he is my grandfather. Knowing how he is and has always been, I should have known better and not put myself in that situation for this to have happened.
Well, lesson learned - hopefully. Iām off to Spain day after tomorrow so I will have plenty of space away from family which I think is something I really need right now.
I am really glad I didnāt drink tonight. That would have been ANOTHER huge mistake. I might have numbed this pain for a moment, but it would be back tenfold and then some tomorrow and all the next days. Sucks having to feel our feelings though. They donāt always feel good.
Well, thank you if you read this far. Needed to get all this out, hopefully can get some sleep. Feel sick though because of it all. āThis too shall passā is my mantra tonight
14 Likes
You uncovered a lot right there. Trying to sort out the allocation of responsibility, without blaming, without emotional attachment, thatās hard work. Maybe find yourself a guide to help navigate it, I have a feeling that left unattended, the situation will replay itself between you and other people in your life.
5 Likes
Iām proud of you for not letting that thought of drinking take over when things got rough!
Something Iāve personally been navigating in my sobriety is my old people pleasing habits, taking on responsibilities that arenāt mine to take on, feeling obligated to help someone and expecting someone to be different than who they show me they are. These are things that have played a big role in my victim mindset. Iām a good person, I do good things for others and yet they donāt treat me well.
In working the steps with my sponsor, Iāve realized these are the actions I tend to take that make up some of my part of the street. I wanted to help everyone with allllll the things. I consistently gave to people who treated me poorly. I stepped into situations I wasnāt asked to step into to help or stepped in when I had no business trying to help. I set no boundaries and let things fester inside until it reached a point where I blew up. I expected people to treat me as I treated them, not how they actually showed me they do.
Today I try to do things differently. It takes a lot of work to navigate these emotionally charged situations. But each time I do, it gets easier. I used to avoid them as much as humanly possible as it made me want to vomit. Today I can face them sober. I can also see that hurt people hurt people and I try to not take it personally. I set boundaries and I have those difficult conversations much sooner, usually after a conversation with my sponsor first so I can be sure to see things more clearly. I teach others what I will accept from them by saying what I mean but not saying it mean so I donāt cause more damage.
Recovery is more in-depth than I ever fathomed. For me, Iām relearning how to navigate EVERYTHING in life. The family dynamics Iāve found are often the most difficult to navigate but by me taking different actions, the dynamics have been changing in a big way. They are much more healthy and authentic today.
Maybe some of my story will resonate with you. I share this to let you know that not only can you naviagte this sober, things can change inside of you. Even if others never change, we can and thatās a beautiful thing.
Sending lots of love to you and I hope that your trip is wonderful for you!
4 Likes
Thanks for your reply Dan. Youāre right, it actually has already played out a few timesā¦ and I continue to go through it. When I return home from this trip, my plan is to seek a professional guide to assist me through this emotional turbulence I experience, and the unfortunate deep seated need to please everyone and be perfect. Itās so hard.
3 Likes
Thank you Mandi for this thoughtful and helpful response to my share. It means a lot, and yes, all of it resonates deeply with me. One resentment that I struggle with is that I feel like I am always trying to work on myself to be better and do better, to learn more and grow and change. But, I donāt see the people around me (meaning my family) ever trying to. I sometimes wish I was more like them than me, because itās like they donāt care and yet I care SO MUCH. I guess the resentment is āwhy me!!ā
I know even as I type this how it sounds. Iām an idealist and I donāt live in an ideal world. I desperately want peace and harmony and yet I often find itās out of reach.
I guess trying to figure all this out on my own isnāt working. A good friend of mine recently suggested (with love) I get some support from a psychologist or psychiatrist. Iām already take Lexapro for depression and anxiety. But seems I still find myself hurting, and, Iām trying not to blame others but theyāre definitely triggering - like this upset with my Grandad. And all the worry and stress about my sister and her kids.
Sorry, letting it all out again. Hope thatās ok. Thank you again for being there
2 Likes
I think itās great for you to get this all out, thereās no need to apologize for sharing whatās on your heart. Itās helpful for us to do this at times to find solutions. And I love that you are going to seek some outside assistance in working through these difficulties. Iāve absolutely learned my best thinking only keeps me stuck so I have to be open to obtaining healthy resources to help show me a new way.
I also totally understand about those around not improving, I went through that for a period too. Occasionally I can still find myself there and then I have to do the work again.
I have noticed for me that sometimes instead of thinking I GET to do this to change my life, I instead make me a victim and a martyr. Those defects feed off my ego sometimes. My sponsor had to call me out for that one day as she asked me why on earth I was thinking that they had to do what I thought was best for them and thinking that they needed to follow my path just because I was walking it. I was totally looking down on them for being where they are instead of staying in my own lane. When I look at how hard it is to change me, I understand now that I donāt have any power to change anyone else. I just have to live my life for me and let them live theirs and place them in my life where itās healthy to do so. I try to not wish for things to be different than they are today, I instead accept them for what (and who) they are and take action on what I need to do with that information. Thatās where I find my peace because wishing things were different is the total opposite for me. Itās longing for something that isnāt there and it brings out allllll kinds of things in me that arenāt helpful in trying to live with serenity. Instead they perpetuate my old cycles. I thank god for my sponsor because this has been who I need to run things by in life to figure out how to approach them and really change from the inside out.
I will say Iām thankful though for the people that bring these difficult emotions up within me. These things trigger those difficult and uncomfortable situations to help me see that my strong reactions are there. Which then gives me an opportunity to see that I have some more inner work to do. It sure doesnāt feel good at the time it arises but learning how to navigate that and work through it more successfully helps me to change me going forward. And thatās what is changing everything for me.
Hugs and lots of love to you! Iām proud of you and Iām thinking of you as you embark on these new journies, in more ways than one. Safe travels my love!
3 Likes
Thank you again Mandi. You offer perspective and understanding in such an insightful, kind way that really resonates deeply with me. I appreciate you so much
I have read your words several times now, and I will continue to do so as theyāre more helpful than you could imagine. Iām on the plane now, about to take off. Super excited for this trip and the opportunity to travel alone and do some soul searching and healing as I go. I would love to find a sponsor like yours, sounds like youāve got a truly amazing person in your life. So special.
Thank you again xxxooo
2 Likes
Safe travels my love and feel free to reach out anytime!
1 Like
How wonderful it is to gain some time and space and distance to work through dis-ease. Feeling fresh, revived, and grateful for the opportunity to travel and āgetawayā so that I may gain perspective and understanding of what Iāve been feeling and struggling with of late. Putting the work in and re-learning how to love and support myself and others. 
3 Likes
Where are you traveling to? Getting away is so important. I hope you have a really good time!