I got out of rehab last Tuesday. I went because I couldn’t stop drinking because I had withdrawals so bad and I knew that I needed to do something. My husband had been hiding it from me that has been having an affair for 5 months. I have never once cheated on him. I’m one of those people that goes to drink alone. I’m what you would call an escape artist. I drank to escape. When I got back on Tuesday he said he wanted to try and work things out. It didn’t seem like things between us we’re getting better. We were intimate last Friday. He is a truck driver and a car guy and I knew that the woman he was seeing was only about 15 minutes away from the car show he was going to on Saturday. Also he met her on one of his stops and sees her and has dealings with her every Monday. He didn’t come home. Her husband sent me a message and confirmed that they were together because she has been open about her relationship with my husband to her husband. I felt so betrayed but I didn’t drink. He now wants to work things out for real this time and gave me all his passwords to social media Etc her phone number so I can check his phone bill. They say that ignorance is bliss. I found a message he had sent to his mother saying that he hoped she wouldn’t be angry at him but that he was going to try and work things out with me for the kids and to not cause any problems. On a side note I own the house and his parents have never liked me. He is not a drinker but has an ex-wife and I have two step children and we’ve been together for 8 years. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time and that if I say something or do something wrong he’s just going to go back to her. I feel like I’m the one that has to prove myself and I’m kind of confused why because I didn’t do what he did. Any advice or kind words would be nice. I remain sober and I’ve been going to meetings but my heart hurts.
Its hard to give trust when you have been betrayed. Especially wont gain trust over night it will take lots of time… You shouldnt have to worry if u relapse or not he should be a supporter and someone to keep you accountable. He isnt in love if he strays and is in the relationship for the wrong reasons …guilt. you dont want your kids to grow up seeing you paranoid constantly and him betraying you. Even if hes not an addict or alcoholic his morals are wrong… You deserve better … Starting over can be scary but also a start to a new life . Just like being sober its scary and a blessing at once…
Don’t want to tell you what to do but do what’s best for your mental health. You don’t want this very anxiety ridden situation to slip you back into bad habits. Relationships aren’t worth anything without trust. If he’s gotta do all that (give you passwords, phone numbers to check phone Bill’s, etc) it’s probably time to unload.
Thank you. I just don’t want to see my family torn apart and I do still love him which maybe is stupid of me. And it’s horribly scary. This whole thing has been frightening. Leaving for Rehab was probably one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. I have always worked a 40 hour week job and completely maintained a household of four dogs five cats two stepchildren our child together and my autistic brother that lives with me. My parents are both gone. Well my real dad is alive but he’s not helpful. I probably should have gone to rehab sooner but I was afraid my house was going to fall apart. I lost my job as an insurance agent. I’ve been applying for part-time jobs little minimum wage things.
I really appreciate you bringing up Mental Health. After losing my mother to suicide and then losing my stepfather 2 years ago I have suffered from depression anxiety and PTSD. It’s to the point where I feel like I can’t trust anything he says I feel like his parents have this motive. On a side note the home that I purchased is his grandparents house. His credit wasn’t good enough for him to purchase it so it is completely deeded and owned by me. And I failed to mention my in-laws live next door in a trailer and their water runs off of my well Underground. I can shut their water off from my basement. I haven’t done it because I don’t want to cause additional issues but maybe they should think about being a little nicer to me. It’s hard for me to tell if I’m being paranoid or if everyone is really just completely against me and playing games with my head.
This is enough reason to try. You both have decided to be better, now you both must work to be better. Sobriety and fidelity, you each have your issues to face.
In order to accomplish anything, one must have two things: The Will to do so, and the Means to do so. Absent either, and the goal is unattainable.
If you both have the will to save the marriage, do you have the means? Are you committed to marriage counseling? Can you work a sobriety program and would he consider Al-Anon? These are the types of things that provide the means to succeed.
I am praying for you both.
Okay, This was my situation almost 3 years ago. My drinking self drove my wife so far away that she got herself a boyfriend. I also ended up finding out about 5 months into their relationship. Needless to say, it broke me.
The story is so big and long (and I don’t have much time right now) but I’ll give you a super speed version. I’ll check back later.
First, I found out. I told her I would quit drinking and she said she would stop seeing this dude. We both thought it was that simple. But We both lied for the next few months while trying to “work it out”. I snuck drinks and she snuck around.
After months of this, there finally came my last drink. There was a look in her eyes of heartbreak and contempt for me that broke my heart and my soul. It finally drove me into going to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had nowhere else to turn. I could not quit drinking on my own.
So I was able to quit drinking. But that wasn’t some magic pill for us. We both found out that She broke my heart, yes. But I broke her heart long ago. My drinking robbed her of the man she married. Yeah, I was always home with her and the kids, but I was ALWAYS drinking.
On top of AA, I started seeing a therapist. I learned a lot about myself and what I was responsible for. I learned that we both had a lot of healing to do. And there had to be forgiveness on both sides.
So after 6 months of me doing me and her off doing whTever the fuck she was doing, we reconciled. One night she went to see my therapist (without me knowing) and that night she texted me and said she wants to try to save our marriage.
There was still healing and forgiveness but it took some time. But we were both committed. We fought our asses off for each other. We both worked at it.
We learned that before all this, We didn’t love each other anymore. Not like before. And I drank in my loneliness and she had an affair in hers. What choice did we have. I gave her no choice.
Geezze, that was 2 and a half years ago. And Today some people can’t understand when I say that my wife having an affair saved our marriage. Cuz without that series of events that followed, we would have never found each others hearts all over again. All that hurt and pain brought us back together. Stronger than ever.
And hurt it did. But if just one thing happened different, we would not have made it. I wouldn’t have quit drinking. All of it. I’d do it all again.
Well, that’s it for now. Hope it made some sense. Marriage is important. Love is important. And I hope you can find yours again.
Kind of been there. And it cut my trust and security in pieces wether I wanted it or not. And was in a real bad shape for a while. I drank heavily. There were moment’s when I thought we’d make it and I really tried. But it went other way. Or we re still making it by being as good parents to our kids as we can. Him accusing you of his actions is… im sorry to say this, coward behaviour. Don’t ever, ever think it’s your fault, your sickness’s fault. He is responsible for what he did, what ever were the circumstances. Strength to you in your life and sobriety, amazing woman 
I’m going to agree with @Fireweed.
It’s unfair for him to blame you for his choice to have an affair.
I’ve had the privilege of interacting with 100’s of women on previous forums regarding their husbands’ cheating.
The most common question that I heard was,
Aren’t I Enough?
And honestly, these wives should be enough for their husbands, but they’re not, because they go out getting their fix from porn, prostitutes, affairs. It’s a sad observation that 100 wives would still not be enough for many of them.
This is a shortcoming of the husband, not the wife.
I’m sorry to hear about your troubles… And it’s really great you’re working on your sobriety and trying to communicate to help work through these problems vs drinking.
I can’t say what he’s thinking, but I think what he is trying to say is the distance caused by your drinking “helped” him make the decision to have an affair. Not that that’s ok. It’s his actions, he’s responsible for them. But everyone copes with hard times in different ways. Drinking, cheating, over eating, self harm… They’re all forms of escaping reality and not wanting to facing feelings.
I personally don’t believe a cheater and an alcoholic/addict are too far from each other in terms of betrayal to a relationship. But I know a lot of people would strongly disagree with me. If you feel it’s worth working on, I would try to do that with him. If he’s not willing to try, I would bet he will regret that decision pretty quickly once you decide to move on.
His choice to have an affair is most definitely not your fault no matter what. I highly recommend you check out affairrecovery.com. The info I got from there helped me survive after my husband disclosed his affair to me. I understand your pain & I’m so so sorry you have to go through this. Keep coming here for support and inspiration. Take your sobriety one day at a time.
Thank you!! I pour out my freaking heart here and it’s like no one got my message. But you articulated it well.
I wanted to thank you all for your advice. It was really nice to get different points of view from different perspectives. I am happy to say that my husband came home. He realized that what he was searching for in this other woman was just some companionship that I lacked and that it was for lust. Now that I’m sober healthier me he remembers the woman that he has loved for so long. We obviously have a road ahead of us to travel to both heal, but we’re on our way slowly but surely.
I’m happy to hear that he has decided that he can’t live without you and that you are going to worth in your marriage.
Just please don’t let him do anything that can impact on or risk your sobriety. 
Hi pal! I would suggest that you guys both talk to a counselor of therapist. Maybe individually and together as a couple. It really helps to open a dialogue about everything that’s happened.
I know that for me and my wife there was a lot to unpack. And both us are the kind to sweep something like this under the rug. We would both be like, I forgive you, you forgive me, let’s get back to life.
That would have been a big mistake. I don’t know that we would have made it if we didn’t talk to someone. There was so much heartbreak and betrayal to deal with. It was a form of trauma for both of us. And if we buried that down inside, it would have been a disaster. A big bomb of resentment. And for a problem drinker especially, resentments are a cancer. For a marriage too.
I’m happy for you pal. Happy that you guys got honest and are working it out. Keep going!
So glad to hear that you guys are willing to work on things. Yes, it’s a LONG and HARD road but it’s worth it. We’re still on that road and 4 years into it I’m glad I didn’t toss it all away. Agree with Gareth to not let it impact your sobriety if you can. Unfortunately my drinking escalated because I didn’t deal with the affair in a healthy way. Please get counseling for yourself or together or both if you can. It really does make a difference. All the best to you!
I know two different guys who forgave there wives after being cheated on. I could never understand how you can forgive something like that until I met one of the guys who seduced my friend’s wife. He was a sick fuck who got off on it and targets married women. But I know that is one of the hardest things you can do. There is a chance your marriage can come away stronger.