Scared of myself actually.
Lately I’ve been thinking about suicide (well… more than usual). It’s a thought always stuck in my head but in the last 2/3 days I became really obsessed. I’m not okay and this need is so strong, I can’t take it out my head I’m even doing dreams about it.
I don’t know what to do, I’m always sad and I’ve been for my entire life so I’m seriously thinking that I’ll never be okay and sometimes I think I don’t want to, I don’t know who I am without my mental illnesses.
4 Likes
Hey,
If you are seriously considering suicide- call for help. No matter what you feel like right now, harming yourself is only going to make things worse. It may seem like you are alone- but I guarantee you that you are not. Our mental illnesses try to convince us that we are worthless and alone- but the illness lies.
You are loved. Just say that to yourself because it is true.
14 Likes
Luna, forgive me if this answer is already out here but…have you seen a Doctor? Are you doing something about this?
6 Likes
Bless your heart I totally feel so sorry your feeling like how you do . Please go and see a doctor or talk to a close family member or friend someone is always around to help you . I know your feeling alone and helpless at moment but there really is so much help and support you just need to dig deep and ask for it . It’s great your talk to us on here please check back in later so we know how you are . My inbox is always open if u want to chat . Lots of love to you x
8 Likes
Well ofc all the doctors I went for other physical illnesses told me I really should go to a psychologist and I did for idk like 1 year or maybe more when I was a student cause it was free. I’ve been diagnosed with borderline pd and all the consequences, the doctor wanted me to take meds for it (which I refused). Rn I really can’t afford to go to another psychologist cause I don’t work, and my father think it’s just for really crazy people (I already asked him a few times) so it’s no use and since I don’t have literally any friends to talk about it I’m just dying.
3 Likes
I’m diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and bi polar I didn’t want to take meds but I ended up in a psychiatric hospital after try to kill myself… I’m now medicated and i won’t lie some days are a struggle but most of the time I’m happy. It’s worth waking up and taking a tablet each day rather then putting myself through hell trying to kill myself. I really suggest for you to at least give it a go … what have you got to loose?
10 Likes
Yet you could afford to drink. Not being funny Luna. But priorities girl!
8 Likes
ive had thoughts like that in the pastand at first my dad didnt understand also. my dad is very oldschool but i know he did infact care. he appologized and called me his hero after i was diagnosed schzophrania.
i self medacated with alcohol and pot which just made things worse.
ive delt with servear depression for 1 week. just 1 week. it was very hard for me.
when was the last time you used a substance?
ive been told you need to keep busy to battle depression.
covid sucks because we cant really get out like we could be4 covid.
we are all friends here. just look at the threds of the relapses and youll see our ongoing supporte we give eachother.
when it comes to keeping busy, there is plenty to do. i love doing dishes because it helps me think.
its a small task but its the progress i like to watch.
there is also nothing to be scared about. fear was huge for my mental illness.
meds help. im on mood stabalizers and i love them. i dont give two fks about stigma.
if you ever need to vent , im available 24/7.
my names matty matt and im pretty much awesome 
your awesome too
never forget that
5 Likes
You are getting lots of good advice, I would add that I understand resisting meds, I did too, resisted going to to drs, even. But regular medication is a game changer. Inside my head feels totally different. It doesn’t have to be forever, although there is nothing wrong with that. Suicidal thoughts are serious enough to warrant medication.
4 Likes
I’ve always been against meds.
Probably wouldn’t be where I am without them though.
I’m not on a heavy dose. Just enough to take the edge off my anxiety.
4 Likes
haha pretty much
i take gabbapentine and sertraline.
i kinda abused them once so i have a viseting nurse (kinda funny) but hes mad cool.
whenever i see him i say “happy hour already?”
i love messing with that guy
1 Like
My father pay for it so… I’m not being funny
i hope you have a good day today 
ill be here and their and around
I wasn’t saying you were being funny. I was merely trying to say that I meant nothing by what I was saying.
A lot of people turn round and say I can’t do this because of the cost, forgetting that they used to spend loads on their doc.
I’m not sure what sort of health care you have where you are, even over here the meds are expensive.
Again I’m not too sure but if you really want to do something about this then there will be a way.
Can you not get a job.
If you are still a minor is your what your father doing abusive. Not helping a child out. He was more than willing to buy alcohol for you.
Idk.
Actually, you know what? this is outside my paygrade so I’ll leave it just by saying that where there is a will there is always a way. Even if it’s well outside the box.
Ultimately you have to think of you and your life.
That’s the important thing.
3 Likes
You are 21, correct? Go to an emergency department and ask for help. They can guide you towards the social (monetary) help you need as well as the psychological help. BPD is a VERY serious condition, one that claims many lives. But you are here and asking for help.
To be fair, you will never be without your mental illness, so you can stop worrying about who you are without it. I will have mine for the rest of my life. But I’ve done so much work on it that it is now just a part of me that I manage, kind of like when I get hungry or tired I know what to do. But the first step had to come from me. Not my family, not my loved ones, but me. Whatever your dad thinks about it is HIS problem. You need to reach out to people in your physical world who can help you. That starts with seeing professionals. I had to walk myself into a psychiatric hospital 3 times. I was only admitted twice, but I got the help I absolutely needed both times. Today is the 3 year anniversary of the last admission to the psych hospital. I wouldn’t be alive or well without that day 3 years ago, or the two other times I walked into that emergency psych admission.
There are answers, my friend. Reach out and take them. Find the help then use the help. 
5 Likes
Thanks Megan.
1 Like
heyy how are you today?? feel free to reach out
we got ya back
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Please get help, I would hate to see you go. Think of the pain you will cause the people around you. My nephew whom I barely knew gassed himself. It fucking broke me.
Please get help.
Great point about the mental illness being here to stay. Oddly comforting.
1 Like
I agree with what some others have said - suicidal thoughts are more the desire for drastic change than they are for death. This is sort of “out there”, but in Tarot the Death card is usually feared and misunderstood - in some decks it’s simply called Transition. It’s the death of things that are no longer serving you.
I was struggling with suicidal thoughts as well, and finally agreed to get on medication on the prompting of my therapist. I was terrified - my brother has bipolar disorder and was misdiagnosed early on, got on SSRIs, and consequently went into a full psychosis which took years to overcome. I eventually decided to take the risk and I’m really glad I did - I am feeling so so much better and am really hopeful about my life for the first time in years.
Ignore your father. I have several people in my life that don’t or didn’t believe in psych meds. My husband was actually one of them, but his attitude has completely turned around after seeing how well they are working for me. Your life is for you, not anyone else, and their opinion doesn’t have to define you.
You are worth living for.