I am back, could only mean I'm doing awful though

Life in Recovery
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Hi…

I want to hurt myself, not in a suicide way or anything, but hurt myself nonetheless. Just hit myself in the head or something.

My dream job is to be in the army. Just any position. I don’t mind being the lowest of the ranks, but I just want to be in the army.

I contacted the Dutch army today. I asked them if there was any way to join the army with autism and ADHD. Impossible. My dream shattered. My self-esteem shattered. My mental health shattered.

They don’t know me. They know my first name and my diagnoses and that’s all. How the fuck can they tell if I’m capable to join the army? I am highly intelligent. I have a 140 IQ. I love learning things. I don’t give a fuck if someone tells me to do something. Thanks to my autism, it will be easier to kill if necessary (not easy, easier).

But some asshat behind a pc, who has never spoken to me before decides I can’t join the army because of my autism. I won’t even get a chance according to him.

If the army doesn’t want me, who will? Maybe a recycling company? Or a cleaning company? (No offense to those who have one of those jobs, mankind would be a fucking mess without you) I don’t want that. I have so much potential. They don’t care about the 140 IQ, they don’t care about me loving to learn new skills. All they see is autism.

I’m also going crazy with my screen addiction. It’s affecting my life. Worst thing is that I often have pink clouds and then get slammed down into my rock bottom making it even deeper every time I hit it. Heck, I’m not even sure if this should be in te seeking help category. I’m not under the influence, nor watching TV right now, but I was less than an hour ago.(if I should move it to seeking help, just tell me and ill move it)

So I’ve decided to come back and choose the lesser of two evils. TV only destroys me. TS hurts me, but also helps me and I can do damage control by muting all meme threads and other recreational threads.

So here I am. Broken. Sad. But knowing that you won’t care for me less if I’m sad and knowing you’ll have my back

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Welcome back Jan!! I’m so sorry to hear the army won’t accept you. If they took the time to actually get to know you as a person, they would see what we do and that’s an amazing intelligent young man. Sending you big mamma hugs and lots of love. :hugs: :heart:

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I’m sorry you are having such a hard time. First of all, don’t hurt yourself, I also head bang (not in the rock and roll way, in the self-harm way) and it has zero benefits and worrying effects. Your head is very important and should be looked after. Especially one so young and smart.
Why do you want to join the army so much? What is it you want to do? Can you find work that involves some elements of what you want to do? Or get any job to pay the bills and join some volunteer army / fire service etc, if you want to serve the community.
When you are having a hard time you revert back to soothing strategies. My disordered eating is also not great right now. So I understand. Hugs.

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Are you still working the steps with your sponsor?

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The challenge, the discipline, the structure, the no nonsens environment, saving lives, becoming fit, the shooting element(not the killing), the sense of achievement and so much more[quote=“Misokatsu, post:3, topic:107574”]
Can you find work that involves some elements of what you want to do?
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Not really. But I could also work at the rehab I went to. I think. Don’t think they’d quickly say no to someone because of a label. Would also mean I don’t have to finish my current school which is a big plus.

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I didn’t talk much to you before you left, if at all, but I always enjoyed your input and way of viewing things. I happy to see you! I’m so sorry about the army… there’s not much comfort I can give except the old saying that when one door closes another opens. What was appealing to you about the Army? The regimented living? The title? Maybe there is another way to find what you were looking to get from the Army. In any case, I’m sorry you are sad and I hope your spirits lift soon!

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Not really, I’ve stopped contacting him and he’s stopped contacting me. I do work the steps on my own more or less. I pray almost every day. I read from the big book. I ask God to take away any resentment as soon as I notice it. I ask God to take away any character defect if I notice one. I admit that I’m powerless over my gaming, my recreational screen usage, but also my nailbiting and bad hygiene. I meditate every once in a while, could be more often. And I make a daily inventory about every day

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@anon89207786 dude !!! Its good to see you again :facepunch: sorry to hear you cant join the army are there any other programs trades you may be intrested in ? Become a trucker open roads freedom ! You have a high IQ use it to your advantage i know theres something out there for you keep fighting the good fight !

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In the UK we have the territorial (like a volunteer) army. And in Japan volunteer fire service. It would be in your spare time, but you could get a lot of the discipline / fitness / doing good in the community. Anything like that in your country? You are at school, maybe you could ask the career service. Don’t let one setback send you totally off the rails. It may be difficult (especially with autism, possibly) but try to be flexible and think of other ways to do some of the things you want. There will still be lots of options, it may just take some time to figure out. And you have time.

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I don’t care for a title. It would only say that there’s people beneath me, but I don’t care about that, is rather treat them as equals or knowing me as if they’re above me

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My dream was to Join the US Marines here in the US for the same exact reasons but life had other plans for me and i became a trucker but dont be discouraged there is something out there for you !

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I don’t think trucking in the Netherlands would be similar to the USA, but if I’d life in the USA, is definitely like to do that. Also don’t think I have good enough focus to drive a truck

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I understand what you are saying about having a title-I feel much the same. What about something medical such as a nurse, EMT, or along those lines?

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Not anything I like. But I could work at my old rehab and volunteer to firefight on the side

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I’m bad under pressure and hate biology. But I’d love to be a surgeon. Saving lives, thinking of new treatments, fixing broken organs

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So sorry about the Army. You sound so strong and determined that I think something else is going to come your way. I’m a big believer in things happening for a reason. Take time to process this disappoint but don’t let it keep you down. You have so much to offer someone else!

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Well, keep you chin up. You will find something that you love.

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I think I’m gonna discuss returning to rehab with my mom tomorrow, it’d be a long wait and probably a bad timing, but last time saved my life. Now I’ll go in with even more determination and especially knowledge about recovery in the outside world.
Also deleted my streaming app just now

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Yup, I won’t let my IQ define me. I want a fun job. Could be something I need to study years for, could be something anyone can do. I don’t want to life my live by fulfilling others expectations. YOLO, I want to live a fun life. Not a boring life where I do nothing but math equations and think up mathematical theories

In the army they do, but I don’t think anywhere else. I could also do Airsoft as a hobby though.

I do want to train my upper body more…

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Maybe once y’all start treating eachother better :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

I hate biology and probably don’t have a steady enough hand to perform surgery. It does seem like a lot of fun to me though. Nursing maybe, but that would involve lots of social contact, I’m not good with much of that. Sorry if I seem nitpicky, I really appreciate all suggestions

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