Yeah, kinda. I don’t necessarily want my life to matter or anything. I want to be able to look back at my life and think, I had a fun and good life
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Anything creative. Designing Lego sets. Architecture. Digital art. Acting.
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I don’t know actually. You did give me a good idea. I could look up casting calls and get into acting. I can do that with autism
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Welcome back. Perspective. I graduated college and was going to be a Naval Officer for the rest of my life. My plan B was to go into the FBI, if I didnt like the service. I didnt see myself making a career of it. I secured a position at the FBI academy. The Navy dropped me 30 feet and that took away me going to the Academy.
I was pissed for decades, used it as an excuse to drink and wasted years of my life.
Perspective: had I went to the Academy, I would have never met Ms. Thirdmonkey. Hindsight what it is, I am glad things turned out the way it did.
It sucks the Army wont take you, however, greater things await. Sometimes it’s hard to see it in the moment.
Prayers
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I just saw this post but I’m about to drive so can’t answer in more detail but just wanted to say I love you 
and you are amazing! Stay focused on recovery xx
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Wow. I’m sorry to hear this.
I understand your frustration I do, i believe in the whole person review not just one aspect. I’m going through some shit now, I been trying to catch on with a police dept here for about a year now, of course they see my DUI, from years back and my history of substance abuse and it negates all the good things I have done In the last 20 years. I have more training experience and logic than the 50 21 year olds they want to hire that never left moms basement but they look good on paper, but can’t handle themselves when things dont go their way. Its beyond frustrating.
Your intelligence factor is amazing, I admire your honesty regarding your addiction and diagnosis, most US Army recruiters would just tell you to lie your way in.
As far as self harm it’s a shitty situation to be in, I understand for some it’s a total release, but it can be devastating for you later
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Welcome back Jan! Glad you are back.
I have no idea and really nothing big to add. You sound like running away from sth at least that’s what I read and what I know from myself. Army never evoked a sense of fun in my mind though and shooting someone or being responsible for another one death, neither.
Good to see you back here
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Military is very institutionalized,
Most voluntary schools are pretty miserable, green berets and navy seals training tops that.
But it does piss me off as a vet myself, we discard vets after their time its been a timeless tradition, there is resources out there but the system is so taxed it’s near impossible to get thr help to everyone
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Welp, I sure as hell won’t join the American army. What the fuck. We barely have homeless veterans if we have any. Our government takes really good care of disabled people. And it very rarely happens that a dutch soldier gets killed in a warzone. And here we don’t go broke when we’re injured, we have mandatory insurance paying almost all costs. Not trying to make propaganda or anything, just can’t wrap my head around the fact that the face of western civilization cares so little about their people, at least that’s what it seems like to me. But on the other hand, USA has way more freedom than the Netherlands.
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What about laboratory work? Low social contact and they could use your intelligence to solve crimes or illness…
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Hey Jan! Welcome back, we have missed you immensely my friend! I’m so sorry that you’re struggling at the moment, please don’t hurt/hit yourself. I see that you have had some others above give great suggestions I am not very good at giving advice but I am good at giving love and kindness. Try not to worry too much about your career, it will all work out I promise. So much pressure put on the younger generations now a days. I’m sending you hugs and just know that we are all always here for you. 
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Jan, bear with me here as it’s no secret that I can be a bit wordy… 
Part of my story is very similar to what you’ve just experienced, as well as Scott’s story. Ultimately it became what set me on the trajectory I’ve been on since.
Hoping to join the Navy is what saved me from the worst drinking years of my life. I would estimate that my drinking was at it’s worst 2008-2012, really ramping up in 2010. Blackout drinking 5-7 days a week. Usually only at night, but sometimes constantly for 3-4 days on end. Early 2012 I was directionless and I had just been let go from my job (my first “real” job in the adult world after graduating college) and I had this idea to join the Navy. It was the first time in my life I felt like I REALLY wanted something. And so I full-on went for it.
I was significantly overweight, as I had been all my life, and of course the constant flow of booze wasn’t doing my health any favors. I went to the recruitment office – pale, bloated, alcohol dripping from my pores – guy told me I had to lose at least 20-30 lbs (I was 220 lb, and I assure you that very little of it was muscle). While he got my paperwork going in the process, I went on and lost 60 lbs. I quit drinking for the whole time. This took about 4 months.
So one day I go back to the recruitment office. New guy is there. Old guy apparently got transferred and never told me it was coming. Turns out he also never submitted my paperwork. I had gotten the sense he didn’t take me seriously, I guess that proved it!
Anyhow, new guy is much better. Has me take the practice test to determine which jobs I’d be eligible for…yeah, old guy never mentioned that. I got a nearly perfect score, and with my college degree, I was told that if I get in I could more or less pursue any job I wanted. Before even trying to get in, I had hoped to be a naval firefighter. Firefighting is in my blood, my grandfather was the Boston fire chief for nearly a decade, and he had also served in the Navy in WWII. So this was a possibility for me.
Within 2 days, I was rejected because of a back surgery I had when I was 8, even though it had no effect on my physical abilities. Just too much of a potential liability. We appealed it, and within a week from that, the rejection was upheld. I was shattered at first, after putting in all that effort only to be turned away.
But you know what? I came to realize that going through those 4 months was just what I needed, despite it not resulting in the desired outcome. I am GRATEFUL for that shitty recruiter who never submitted my paperwork. Had he done as he said he would, I would have gotten the rejection 2 weeks after trying to join, and likely returned to hardcore drinking and not taking care of myself. I am grateful for those 4 months, because it was the beginning of the path I find myself on now. Had I continued on the path of self-destruction I was on, I can’t say for certain I’d be here alive right now.
I can’t believe this was all 9 years ago at this point, I am such a different person now and that whole process was the beginning of that mental and physical transformation. I’ve now been at the same company for nearly 8 years, and rapidly climbed through the ranks here to now find myself in a (sometimes) interesting job, but the best parts are that I have so much flexibility, boss gives me space, and it does pay well enough. It’s not fighting fires or being on a great, mighty ship – but its good honest work that allows me to think outside the box and use my intelligence/creativity to solve problems.
The point is, good things will come your way if you keep doing the best you can. I can 100% relate to your disappointment you’re feeling right now, but stick to it. You are young, and you are very bright. Things will turn out well for you if you position yourself accordingly.
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Yeah… There’s a fair bit to unpack in this little statement that makes for pretty uncomfortable thinking.
Very odd way to view it.
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Welcome back Jan. I understand why you want to join the army but I’m happy you’re not allowed to join. Your talents are needed elsewhere, not on the fucking battlefield killing people. Your head needs to be elsewhere too.
You say your autism would make it easier to kill, it’s much better for your soul and for the rest of us you don’t engage in training which is aimed at making it even easier to do so. You don’t want to be a murderer and society doesn’t want you to be one either. You say you don’t want to be in a hierarchical situation. Never join the army if you don’t want that!
I do understand why you want to join. I did when I was your age. Wanted to be a commando. For the physical and intellectual challenges. For shooting guns. For the structure too I guess. And for the sense that I was under command of something bigger. So somehow my life would not be my own responsibility anymore. Running away from life like @anon74766472 just said.
For me it was even more crazy wanting to join as in my mind and soul I was and am a pacifist and an anarchist. I don’t want to kill. I don’t want to be in such a structure of total obedience to my superiors. Looking back for me it was the very attractive idea of not being responsible for my own actions, not having to lead my own life, taking my own decisions. Has to do with the unsafe environment I grew up in, is part of my PD diagnosis and one of the main things I’m trying to work on in therapy now.
Anyway, glad you are back Jan. Keep working yourself to get better. Try to finish your middelbare school please. I know it’s deemed lass crucial as in my time, but I’m still grateful to my mum and dad for somehow dragging me through it and getting me to my exam. School was hell for me, but exams were relatively easy actually. When you’re smart like us it’s how it works. And it will give you so much more opportunities later in live. Also to work in rehab. And to do more education. Everything. I went to college at 40, which I wouldn’t have been able to if I didn’t get my VWO diploma at 20. Happy you are here so you can talk to all of us. I think you need this place like I do too. Muting all threads that are not helpful seems like a good idea to me. Take care vriend.
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Hi Jan, I’m glad to see you’re back! 
But am truly sorry about your situation.
Don’t know if there’s anything I can add to what’s been said already, but you really are a smart young fella, who’s got the world ahead of him! And based on that one music experiment video you once posted, I do honestly think that you got the gift and talent for drama/theatre and the performance arts. It’s not the easiest career out there, but that doesn’t mean that you couldn’t do it!
And yes, we got your back! Keep us updated!
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I say, try again and don’t tell them that you’re autistic, etc. I’m in the American military and know PLENTY of people who had problems and still managed to join because they kept what could have disbarred them under wraps. Because if you just called them then they didn’t officially document it or anything. He just answered your question, you know?
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I’m glad you’re back and sorry that you’re suffering.
I know the feeling of isolating yourself from real life, yet having the desire to throw yourself into it, feel it on your skin, even if it’s hurtful, so that you can feel that you’re alive.
Isn’t army a place for you, where you would be cut off from the resources of your addiction, cut off from loopholes, a place that would do the difficult task of being rigorous and strict about the rules in life instead of you?
I’m sure there are several other options from sport shooting (I’m surprised, that there are no shooting ranges there), become ballistics expert, teaching, developing, applying to disaster management, joining a warrior monk monastery - there is a wide variety of choices. Actually sometimes it’s too much to choose from and that makes the decision hard. But at the end of the day there is not one single field you are meant to be, but you can use your abilities in any field, so it makes the pressure of choosing the actual field a bit smaller.
The main necessity imo is to experience as much as you can, so that you get to know yourself well enough to decide, where you are headed.
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I could become a forensic investigator, seems fun
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Yeah, I see that. But easier doesn’t mean easy. It’s certainly still gonna be really fucking hard, but I won’t have to find out luckily
I don’t want my life to be based on a lie. The guilt would make my life unbearable. But thanks for the suggestion anyways
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