So In my alcohol sobriety (56 days) I have attempted recently to talk to my fiancé about not drinking for the last two months and i feel like she’s mad at me or like there isn’t as strong of a comnection with her. Shes not a big drinker at all and I have no problem with her drinking, but I think she either feels bad when she has a drink around me or maybe feels not as connected because we aren’t drinking together. But at the same time I know shes happy that im not drinking anymore because of all the dumb shit I got myself into when I did have a drink. I have no cravings what so ever and am feeling alive for the first time in years and I think its effecting my relationship with her or im just aware of things or am noticing things about her and us that just wern’t good. I don’t know I guess im just venting and this is all just a part of learning to live a new life.
::end rant::
Hey Tony, I can totally relate. When I told my partner excitedly I was 30 days sober he looked at me gone out and if to say ‘yes and…?’ So I’ve kept it to myself since then. I hit 90 days the other day which is massive in my mind but he just doesn’t get it so again I didn’t mention it. The reason he doesn’t get it is because he doesn’t have a problem with drink. It’s not that he doesn’t care because I know he’s really pleased I’m not drinking and used to worry about me constantly. When I was drinking and he was in a bad mood I used to think ‘shit he knows I’ve been drinking’ then when I stopped it was ‘shit he thinks I’ve been drinking’ or ‘he thinks I’m boring or focusing too much on my recovery…blah blah blah’ which would then put me in a mood or on the defensive. I suddenly realised that there was a common theme in my thinking ie it’s all about me! Truth is, he has pissed off days like everyone and it not all about me. Once I accepted this I was able to be there for him when he needed support with whatever or just leave him alone if he wanted that. I’m not suggesting that’s the case with you guys but that’s my experience. Hope you work things out.
It was very hard to speak to my husband about me trying to get sober because he isn’t an addict so he just isn’t educated on it AT ALL. So, that’s when I realized I had to get out of my comfort zone and start talking with others like a psychiatrist and the people on this forum and other addicts. It’s not their fault; they just don’t understand it. I wish you all the best! Maybe if she is up to it she can go to an Al- Anon meeting. I think that’s how you spell it, not sure. I am reading “Codependency No More” and a learning that there are meetings for the significant other, boyfriend/girlfriend, or husband/wife of the person who is addicted to something. It may work wonders because she will learn a lot about what you are going through. Just a thought. I’m still learning too and new to this so take my advice with a grain of salt, lol, unless some of the regulars in here agree it is a good idea😊
90 days is massive! congrats and keep it up. You have me beat and I don’t ever want that to change for you! I love that you mentioned your thought process on the topic and how It really isn’t just about me and maybe Ill just keep my accomplishments to myself and just be proud of it for me and in turn just be there for her in her daily struggles/life. Thank you for giving me another way to look at the situation.
That is a very interesting topic. I dont think my wife believes that i had a problem. For her it came completely out of the blue that i stopped. At first i told her that i will do dry january. After the first few days she never asked me again if i want to drink something or when i will start drinking again. She typically has like 1 or 2 glasses of wine on like 5 days of the week. Is it that she does not care that i do not drink (or why i do not drink) or could it be the case that she might be afraid to question her own drinking?
I love how you said that shes not an addict so she just doesn’t get it. Thats such a true statement and I never really thought of it that way. I will try to modify my thinking on the subject with her and see where it goes. I feel she would get defensive if I brought up the classes for her to figure out why I am the way I am. So ill hold off on that, but will consider it for sure if the time comes where enough is enough. Thank you for your imput! and keep up your good work on your sober journey, From this day forward 
love this! all questions going through my head
I know. I LOVE this app! Someone always has some amazing advice and it helps me on a daily basis😊
I can relate. My husband still drinks and while he is proud of my sobriety I know he just doesn’t think it was a problem. I also know he feels guilt drinking around me (he makes comments trying to justify one beer like he’s afraid I’ll give him grief) and I fear he’s soon going to resent me because of what he perceives as my criticism of his drinking (which is soooo not real).
But I think this sobriety thing is something that takes time for everyone to come to terms with. I think in some ways it’s easiest for us because we spent so much time (maybe years) grappling without decision to quit once we’ve made it were ready to go. But for everyone else it’s kinda spring on them out of the blue. Give her time. That’s all I can suggest.
My husband also didn’t think I had a problem. I talk somewhat about sobriety to him but don’t share milestones etc thankfully I have great sober friends to share with. I think unhealthy drinking is so normalized and accepted that a person who is functional while drinking or can hide it well may not strike others as someone who needs to be sober. I think there is starting to be a lot more awareness of how much the media normalizes drinking and how many people drink more then the recommended amount. At first I felt odd saying I was sober or felt that I had a problem as I did not fit a stereotype that in my mind requires sobriety. The longer I am sober (198 days!) the more I am comfortable with my sobriety and myself. And my husband understands it more and sees the positive changes in me.