This is gonna be long but to those who read it, its much appreciated.
My alcoholism is getting worse. Its not to the point it was at its worst but its almost uncontrollable again and I literally dont know what to do because of my failed attempts to quit in the past. Id also like to note i have no other substance abuse issues. I have a diagnosis of severe major depressive disorder and anxiety. I also have a diagnosis of Bipolar 1 but later a psychiatrist said that wasnt accurate so who knows.
In 2018 I went to outpatient rehab for several months which was no help whatsoever. During this time I attended AA weekly and hated it. I was also recieving counseling from a Native American rehab program (Im western european and NA) which gave me a lot of wisdom but didnt help.
I tried to find an inpatient rehab during the pandemic when i wasnt working but no one near me (closest ones are an hour to an hour and a half away) would take me due to no insurance. I have insurance now but our household income has decreased significantly so missing work is not an option.
I have asked my doctor about medication or the vivitrol injection but i have to be sober for two weeks which seems impossible to me.
Used to if I ate, especially something with carbs/sugar which i dont even like, I could curb the urge but that no longer works. I also prefer intermitten fasting but that makes for unbearable alcohol cravings. Distracting myself with my hobbies no longer works.
There was a point in time in 2015 when I dramatically cut back drinking but it took a strict routine of several after work activities. I now live in a tiny town, have a family and work a job with odd hours so a steady routine is a bit harder.
I feel absolutely trapped by alcoholism. I feel like Im out of options. Any help or advice would be appreciated greatly and thank you if youve read all of this.
I think you need to realise that you’re literally battling for your life right now. If what you need is treatment you have to do it.
I personally listened to hundreds and hundreds of sobriety podcasts and walked many many miles when i first got sober. My alcoholism was bad… like wake up in the middle of the night to drink a couple beers bad.
There are things that you can do, can try but the most important thing to do is to keep trying. Stay sober for 1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day at a time… don’t even think about tomorrow, only live in the moment. I wish you well my friend.
Yes there are AA meetings a half hour away. I may go to find out about rehabs but I hated AA when i went for 6 months. I know it helps a lot of people but its not for me.
It could help to go back to what has worked for you with a focus on sobriety oriented material. Try giving yourself homework - this is something that helped me tremendously. Schedule your time, 30 minutes of journaling, maybe a SMART recovery workbook, like Dan suggested some podcasts (I also listened to them a bit obsessively, and not just sobriety oriented, to keep my mind busy). There are other online communities than this one and you could diversify - The Luckiest Club is great and they have meetings and speakers that are not AA. Whatever you can think of to keep yourself busy within the parameters of your work and home life. I’ll second Dan again, keep fighting for your life and don’t give up, no matter what. You have the desire to be sober and you’ll have to find what works for you to get past this hump. Give your partner your access to money so you can’t buy alcohol if you have to.
I’m rooting for you, too. And hope you can find treatment that works.
I still do most of the things i did when i got almost completely sober, just not as intensely. I really do need to try and figure some kind of routine out again. My work schedule is the exact same every week but its different hours on different days so i need to figure something out.
Relapses have been God’s way of teaching me to stop doing those things that I know haven’t worked. And then discovering New paths and new ideas. It’s taken several things bunched together to find a path that works for me.
If you haven’t read Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Control Alcohol and Annie Grace’s This Naked Mind, you need to do so. It can’t hurt.
If you use the magnifying glass to search for sobriety books there are several threads. Tons of books. @SassyRocks has a good list but I’m having trouble finding it at the moment.