I told you guys I was in a bad way. I told you that I was tempted to drink and one of you said, “Im giving myself permission to drink”. They were right. I was. I told you about my neighbor and what was going on there. I used it as an excuse to drink. I got a hotel room in a city near where I live, I spent the day with my sisters who drink hard. I wanted to spend time with them, and I wanted to seem like I was in control. I wasn’t. We hung out, had Chinese, went to a park, it was all fine and good. But we were all drinking. I drank heavy. I’m in the hotel room I bought right now. I justified it in saying well, I can bum their wifi to download some movies and games I’d already bought but couldn’t download (I have verizon they throttle the internet when you use too much)…
Honestly I wanted a clean neutral space to drink. Like that guy said, I was looking for ways to justify drinking. I felt like, well… ive had to deal with shitty things, poor me, I deserve to drink and unwind. I’ve drank and unwound I guess, but I’m stressed out because of it. It doesn’t help me to unwind. I could have not wasted my money and been sober and that would have had more good effects.
But I didn’t. I was looking for an excuse, I wanted a justification to drink. And I found one… I created one because I was going to regardless.
I wish I hadn’t. But I did, and now I’m dealing with it, I’m shaky and nervous. I’m sorry you guys, I was sincere when I said I want to stop. But I’ve fucked it and I’m an asshole and a prick. You guys have been kind to me. And I threw it away because I wanted a drink. I’m sorry, I may not come back here for a while. Until I beat it into my head. I was worried, I was having a bad day and I wanted to get far away from those feelings. I don’t cope with feelings well. They’re either way too intense or way too melancholy. So I drank. I’m a prick, I’m a fucker, I’m sorry. I’m worthless.
Hey @anon64511207 please try to stop beating yourself up… and please do not think you have to disappear from here for a while. We want you here and you are in the right place.
There are many who have gone back out and fucked up, for whatever flimsy half-baked excuse we could come up with.
We are human.
You are human.
None of us are perfect.
Recovery isn’t a straight line.
You are worthy.
You matter.
You’ve been though an extremely stressful and upsetting situation and yeah ok, maybe you could have handled it differently but what’s done is done and you’ve come straight back and owned it.
That is brave.
That takes courage.
I’m proud of you.
If you really want sobriety then pick yourself back up and give it another go. Hating on yourself isn’t going to help, use this slip up as a lesson, to learn from so the same mistakes aren’t made again.
Your ok to stay, cause the support network is what it’s about
And giving yourself permission to drink will always lead to failure, especially when you can find ways to justify it, I was guilty of this as well,
You need to look at where you went wrong, and how to right that ship,
Your sisters you need to let them know you chose to quit drinking, and you hope that they can respect your decision and be a little supportive of you,
The Verizon thing, you used it to justify being in a hotel room alone, also an escapee from reality which I don’t understand I have Verizon Fios, and I share it with 3 other dudes, I’m constantly streaming and downloading large files, programs and I have had zero throttling issues, that was very common during the days of heavy piracy and comcast ended up getting sued for throttling as a marketing tactic to prevent customers from using streaming tv apps and subscribe to their service
It’s terrible your neighbor fell ill, but how is drinking and getting drunk going to help any of it ? Does it temporarily numb the pain, eh kinda, but tomorrow that pain is there, and so is your terrible hangover,
Now is time to reflect do an after action report, figure out what went wrong and how to make it right
But….
Only the things you can control. How can you make them right?
Self loathing and shame are part of the cycle that keeps us drinking and using. Learning to forgive ourselves for our messes, learn from them, change our behavior and move on are all part of sobriety, life and growth.
We beat our selves up for so so long. Call our selves names. Expect perfection and a straight line to our goals and dreams. We cripple ourselves with hate and anxiety and shame and guilt.
We are humans, we will make missteps, but these do not need to be the end zone. There is so much more if we can grant our selves a little grace and a little love. Shame does not heal us…it keeps us stuck in a cycle of self hate and self loathing.
Today is a beautiful fresh day to be sober. Please pour out anymore and drink some water, rest, eat something and either hang out here and read, hit a meeting if that fits you (in person or zoom) and take a walk outside.
If everyone who stumbled left here, we would be a lonely forum indeed.
Allow your self some grace, learn and remember what this feels like. I never ever want to feel like that again. Join me, join us, in being sober today.
Oh frog please don’t say those names you call yourself. You began recovery the minute you wrote this with honesty and acceptance . You were aware that you guaranteed a relapse whether you were gonna have a reason or not. You validated it and that’s what you realize. You know why you failed and you learned something. Please don’t leave the app. That’s the worst thing you can do. We don’t shoot our wounded. Get up and try harder . We didn’t addict overnight. We don’t recover overnight either. Have a good day.
Dude I agree with your entire post and I would even say kudos for your self honesty and looking at yourself with this clear, brutally clear gaze - MINUS the last paragraph! There is it again. The self pity. I’m the worst. I am shit. I’m a piece of shit the world revolves around.
Stay here. Do the work. You have got what it takes.
It wouldn’t let me delete my post. Thanks for trying to help. It’s nice to her from people who understand. But I can’t trust anyone enough to let them know. I’ve tried that and been burned. Thanks, but I don’t plan on revisiting this post. I really do appreciate it though.
You’ve learned a valuable lesson here. Recognizing that you were only making excuses is great moving forward. Now you know what you’re really up to when you start down this path again. Now you just need to figure out how you’ll handle it before it happens
Do not go. Providing support is what we’re here for. We don’t just support the perfect people…especially since none of us are perfect.
Hey. We are all addicts here which means that we’ve all been where you are and we all want you to succeed. We can’t take the pain or regret away but we could walk with you through it. Take my hand if you need it. Stay safe.
You’re not an asshole or a prick just an alcoholic like the rest of us dust off you’re shoulders and get you’re ass back to work you are worth it. I’m training myself to not even joke about drinking or using because some told me a joke turned into a 15 year run. Stay blessed fam we love you.
That’s exactly what your addiction wants you to do… isolate so you’re weaker.
This right here is nothing more than “poor me, poor me, pour me another drink mentality”. You are not a worthless, prick, fucker but addiction is. Try and be kind to yourself, learn from the slip up. Best wishes to you
I hear everything you’re saying. When I relapse I feel worthless and I don’t come back for a while. I figure if I have to start my day count over again I might as well get my moneys worth first. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You’re welcome to come back already if you want!!
New day today. You have re set the clock. Try and transfer the feelings you have into staying sober just for today. A Slight
Lapse
In
Progress
Is only an excuse for a relapse if you let it be. You have had a slip it’s your choice to leave it there and learn or use it as an excuse to relapse. Let how you feel be a reason to not pick up a drink today. Draw on your sober experience and reasons for not drinking to choose a slight lapse in progress over a full on relapse and more regret.
Kind of funny that you can’t delete the post.
Hope your reading this.
Pretty sure everyone reading this including myself know exactly how you feel.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies are new every morning. We came to believe in in a power greater than ourselves who could restore our lives to sanity.
Im back. At home. Miserable. Coming off the binge from the last few days. Sick, shaky, puking tense and panicking.
Wish I had people to talk to. Wish I had a valium.
How can you tell a hangover from withdrawal? I was sober for a month before drinking Thursday. I’ve had withdrawals before several times but sometimes I think we’ll it’s probably just a bad hangover, cuz I’ve only been drinking for a few days
