hii, I just wanted to introduce myself a bit ^^
I’m 21, from Europe and studying Occupational Therapy. I do a ton of different crafts, sing in choir and just moved into my first own apartment last month. FYI I’m nonbinary and use both he/him and they/them pronouns.
As for my story, that’s a long thing. To make it short: I likely was already born with some issues and it didn’t get much better as my parents were physically and emotionally abusive in my childhood, so generational trauma is an issue™. That resulted in my dissociative disorder and a bunch of other stuff which further managed to land me in many further traumatic situations that I couldn’t get out of through my life. Not gonna go into detail but it’s been, a shitty time.
Life has gotten a lot better since I started testosterone almost 5 years ago, since I moved to a friend for a year in 2020/21 before going back to my parents and since I had a terrible sych ward stay in 2022 I did a ton of work to get better so I never have to go back there. The apprenticeship I’m doing is amazing and I have a great partner and starting therapy currently.
I’ve gotten over a few issues already too, I used to be addicted to cutting in my teens and by now it’s only a relapse every few months at most. not optimal but I learnt to cope with it well. Same with disordered eating. it was always a symptom of my other issues but in 2020 I fell deep into it due to covid and the world shutting down around me. I had episodes of that since 2017 but haven’t had any in over a year I think.
Now to the unfortunate part.
I have a massive problem with how much time I spend on my phone/laptop. On the laptop it’s mostly music on YouTube but sometimes I’ll spend hours upon hours just watching stupid tiktok compilations and the like. Luckily I managed to cut out tiktok and Instagram a while ago in the ward but YouTube shorts on my phone are still taking a ton of time, as do so many sites to do puzzles and the like.
And I suspect the biggest contributor to my phone time is watching porn. That along with masturbating is what I’m trying to get rid of first here. It has messed up my relationship to my body, to sex, to pleasure and I’m worried my partners confidence is also suffering from it. Not to mention my mental health, being a victim of CSA means I encounter way too many triggers while watching porn to be doing it but the fear from the triggers just ends up feeding into it in a fucked up way. a bit over a week ago I had a massive flashback while masturbating and that’s why I am here now. I can’t keep doing this. not to mention the time it takes out of my day. I calculated I spend about 50 hours per month just masturbating, not to mention the clean-up and the exhaustion I feel afterwards.
This has to change. I have to change this.
I’m also trying to work on stopping skin-picking, developing a good healthy sleep rhythm and to study daily, all of which will help a ton with my mental health once I get over the shitty part.
as a small note, I might sign off posts with different names at times, it’s mainly for me to keep track ^^
idk what to add to my intro. If there are any questions about stuff, especially concerning trans* stuff and DID feel free to ask, I’m open to any genuine questions.
still trying to get the hang of this forum so I’ll likely be lurking a ton but to stay accountable I’ll try to post regularly when I can.
Recovery from porn addiction is probably one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself so I wish you much strength to do it!
ich werd auf Englisch weiterschreiben damit andere im Forum uns verstehen