I don’t know if anybody really reads these but if you do here is my story…
I had my 1st drink when I was 13 and acted like a complete fool, I just chalked it up to being a dumb kid… but as I got older it slowly got so much worse.
When I turned 18 I got absolutely plastered and ended up doing a B&E and going to jail. Thankfully it was my 1st offense and I only did 4 months behind bars with probation until I was 21.
Even while on “good time” or probation I would drink off and on it started slow with the usual me being an absolute idiot but I didn’t care. Over time copious amounts were consumed and I became violent and just completely ridiculous however somehow managed to avoid going back to jail. I got off probation and have been arrested 3 or 4 times for being disorderly or public intoxication.
I have had altercations with just about every person I ever cared about while I was intoxicated. I have been shown videos of my actions and there are no words than can describe the terrible feeling I have when I think of those days. And I think about them often… I see myself fighting, everybody screaming, my family Terrified of me and im like a maniac taking off all my clothes and running naked through the streets…the seemingly endless 1 night stands with women I can barely remember. The drugs I was doing all at the same time. The blackouts… oh my god the blackouts. Waking up every day with is impending doom feeling frantically trying to find out who I called where I went how much money I wasted… what did I do??
This continued until I was 27 when I thought I really found rock bottom I showed up to a party with my family and friends and as the night went on I was drinking more and more. My brother said something that normally wouldn’t upset me but I wasn’t myself anymore and I completely lost control and drunken rage filled me it was a real nasty fight and my poor mom hurt herself trying to stop us from killing each other. I only remember pieces of that night I woke up at work thank God it was closed that day I was passed out in the employee lounge violently hung over and had to make my way home… the anxiety and self loathing filled me and when I looked in the mirror I decided that was the last straw. I went 11 months without a drink and then one day I thought I could control the monster in me and I caved in to the craving.
Thankfully the violence hasn’t happened since that day but everytime I drink i make a million phone calls to people I normally don’t talk to… I make plans I have 0 interest in keeping… I act obnoxious and I wake up again to the since of that impending doom heart beating out of my chest screaming in my head why why why did I do this again?
Even when nothing bad happens I feel the same way.
I hate myself… I have been a terrible person and when I think about the terrible things I’ve done it sends me I to a downward spiral and I relapse over and over and over again… until something really bad happens… and that’s where I am at right now. I am at the point again where I need to stop before something terrible happens. It always does and I am sick to my stomach with fear and dread…
I drank 2 days ago and went way over board I drank 28 beers and smoked 4 packs of cigarettes made a bunch of phone calls and I don’t want to be this person anymore. I just want this to go away…
Sorry if this was long and filled with typos poor grammar and stuff I’m just lost and grasping at straws.
Hello Chris, welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have been through a lot. Becoming sober will be the most rewarding thing you can do for yourself. We are all here to lean on each other in times of need. I wish you well tonight
Hey Chris.
Welcome to this Fabulous sober community.
Yes to answer your first question. People read about stories like yours on here all the time. Lots of great caring people on here. I’m glad you reached out.
Are you working a program? Do you go to meetings?
As you know it’s that first drink that fucks us up to hell. That’s the only drink that really matters to me. If I have that first drink it’s all over once again.
I’m glad you found us. This place has been great support for me in my sobriety. Have a good read around. Join in when your comfortable.
Well what do you know it turns out people really do read this stuff and the reason why is bc we’ve all been there in one way or another and that’s why we are all here. It’s great that you’ve started to see the error in your thinking and realise it’s time for a change. Keep reading, reach out anytime and use the experience of other sober people. This is a very safe and friendly place full of people who want to help all you gotta do is ask.
Thanks for sharing. I can relate to everything in your post. I too once felt like the person you described. There is a better way. If you’re gonna be dumb you better be hard. I always remind myself that. And though I am hard I’d rather be comfortable. Praying for you and wish you all the best.
Thanks so much for sharing your story and welcome. It takes a ton of courage to tell your story.
I too started drinking early. 15 to be exact. Hit my bottom at 27 but wasn’t ready to lose my best friend, booze. It wasnt until I got honest with myself about how bad my drinking was and where it was taking me. By the grace of God I have been sober for 143 days today.
I can feel your pain and frustration. Just keep showing up. It helps a ton to share and be there for others who are going through the same. Much love!
Welcome Chris That was a very open and honest sharing of your experience. That’s a very brave and good start. Something you can build on and grow from. Your alcoholism isn’t going to ever go away but you can choose to fight for a better sober you. You went 11 months without drinking before so you know you can choose do be sober. You are in the right place to get support. I hope you’ll stick around and get the better life you deserve.
To a greater or lesser degree, everyone here can identify with ur story. I also had that desperate, defeated feeling. It can be the last time you ever feel like that. It takes some effort, especially at first, but it can be done. Check out the links. Keep trying new things until u get a program that is good for you.
Thankyou for sharing your story and being so honest, im really glad you found us here, you are not alone.
This community is very great and supportive the people here have held my hand through the good and bad days and i know you will have the same support, stay with us.
You can do this
He Chris I know what all that’s like I did the same shit but it was my parents who gave me the drink at 13 and continued to throught the years a 14 I was in the bar drinking side by side with my folks sad but true by 18 I was waKing up at 6:30 and pouring me a straight glass of vodka or whiskey no mixed shit just straight if not I would shake like a old man. Things got so much worse but as of November 6th of this past year made over 6 years and it was the best thing I ever did I’m a stranger but I’m proud of you for telling your story and I hope you know that your worth it your amazing smart and strong you can beat that shit I know it
What’s up Chris, welcome. I can relate to alot of what you said. I started drinking early teens just hanging out. (43 now). Got to the point the last couple years where drinking a 30 pack was like drinking a six. Drinking after work till nighttime, weekends starting in early in the morning cause I was so fuckin sick. Just pissed off constantly and just trying to power through everything in life without really enjoying most of it. I don’t post a ton here, but I read alot of it. There’s a lot of good people on here who are struggling the same way if not worse, and there’s alot of good advice. Take what you can from it. Good luck, hope you stick around.
Thanks for sharing. Many people here can relate to a certain extend for sure. I also started drinking as a teenager and got hooked from the start. I always had to be drunker than everybody else, acting stupid, puking tons, getting arrested, go driving drunk, not being able to have a steady job, get nasty to friends or girlfriend, feeling ashamed and depressed all the time, etc. I’ve been aware of it for years but somehow never had the motivation to do anything about it. But at 40 i thought, man if i don’t stop now, i will just stay this idiot forever. And i seriously don’t want to be like that anymore. Now i realize how lucky i am to be able to make this choice and to take control over my life, implementing positive things, having a steady job, feeling way better in general.
So yeah, good you came here, you will find tons of support and good advise.
That was a very open and honest sharing of your experience. That’s a very brave and good start. Something you can build on and grow from. Your alcoholism isn’t going to ever go away but you can choose to fight for a better sober you. You went 11 months without drinking before so you know you can choose do be sober. You are in the right place to get support. I hope you’ll stick around and get the better life you deserve.
