Unfortunately our partner can be a huge trigger. But alcohol would only make it worse. You are not a failure IF you walked away from this relationship. But I do understand how complicated it can be. Is he responsive to talking about the relationship?
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Your right drinking isnt the answer… from personal experience i find i tend to hold my thoughts in about how much I like alchohol. And the thoughts of not drinking are torure for me. This last journey of sobriety … i just started saying put loud everytime i wanted to drink. I would say it out loud…“i wanna drink sooo badd!”“man i want a beer!” I actually found it really helpful… turns out i sound conpletely ridiculous when i hear my thoughts through my ears and not my brain. It was a lot easier to talk myself through the next few minutes if i was doing it out loud. You are stronger than you were last time you were this stressed, because you probably drank last time without a sweat. This time you refrained, the temtptation wasnt weaker, YOU became STRONGER. CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR GREAT MOMENT OF SUCCESS!!!
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Please watch that information, there are three parts, (this is a link to the first part) if you can’t find the second and third parts let me know and I’ll post links as well.
I think you may be dealing with a covert narcissist??
They do not sound like a catch.
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Leave him. This is not advice. This is a dire warning from someone who had watched someone I love go through exactly what you are going through. Pretend and get your ducks in a row if can’t leave today, but I would seriously recommend you leave with whatever you can’t stand to lose, and gtfo now.
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You choose you. The healthy you. Make healthy choices. If you think healthy thoughts and treat your feelings with healthy respect you will know what to do. Big hugs.
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a great many insightful things have been said here. I want to stress this: what kind of service are you doing to your children, sons at that, letting them witness their mother being abused and treated with disrespect and condescendence? what are they absorbing about the relationships between men and women and the worth of women? how is that influencing their chances for future love, happiness and peace? 
seems to me you are choosing the comfort of the fantasy of what things could/should/“will” be like with your guy over the reality of how they are and have been for a long time. in this respect, tho our relationship and our issues were very dissimilar from yours, I can sympathise and I did the same for a long time, holding on because I didn’t want to let go, because I still loved.
your excuse is that the boys need a father. they have a father. they can still have a father without growing up in an abusive home. what kind of father the father wants to be is and will always be up to HIM.
I would suggest the book “Co-dependent no more” by Melody Beattie. as well as the thread Are you affected by a loved one who is an addict? that’s already been suggested.
my last remark is: that it seems to me you know that you need to change your circumstances and you came here for a nudge. so we are nudging. and affirming that side of you that already knows.
wish you the best, mamma, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
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You are worthy of happiness and peace. This is something my therapist tells me. Of course I know this realistically, but I think somewhere deep inside where things are still a little broken I don’t fully believe that. Probably why I’ve been a successful functioning alcoholic this entire time. Trying to prove I’m good enough if everything looks good all around me, spoiler alert, that just prolonged my healing and ability to see clearly and start healing. But….we’re here, so we know that we need to make changes and we’re doing our best to get there. Celebrate that, you are strong, capable and worthy. Untether your worth from anyone else, and this means your kids too. No need for validation…you have the right to feel how you feel and take care of yourself. Like they say on a plane….if you can’t breath due to a loss of cabin pressure, secure your mask first before helping others. It’s good advice! Your kids will see your stength and self worth shine as you take care of you and aspire to be like that too. Set healthy boundaries. You can do this. Happy healing my sober friend. Sending you strength and love 
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Perhaps a change in your relationship status is overdue. It sounds to me as if he has some serious issues with his own self-esteem. Those with healthy self-esteem don’t tear others down, especially those they are supposed to care about. No, only small-minded, emotionally stunted people do this. They know they are lousy people inside, and their greatest fear is those they care about will see this, and leave them. They project their own feelings of inadequacy on to others, to make them feel just as bad about themselves as they feel.
He’s likely terrified of your sobriety, your working to better yourself. With a clear mind and strong sesnse of self, you’ll see him for what he really is, and leave him.
If you think there’s hope for him, tell him this:
"I am not stupid or naive. I see what you are doing and I know why you are doing it. I see you for who you are, today. Now I have chosen to be sober, and I am moving on with my life. This train is leaving the station, and you are either on it with me, or not. If you want to be on it, then go get some help for your issues. Work to make yourself better rather than trying to tear me down. It won’t work. I may want you, but I certainly don’t need you to live my best life. See the light, and feel the heat, because I’ve lit the torch.
You’ll be amazed at what you can see, in the light of a burning bridge."
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It’s very common for parents/spouses with their own addiction issues to feel threatened when their partner gets sober. I’m divorced, and the relationship my kids have with both parents is fantastic. No conflict. You don’t have to live in the same house to be good parents. In fact, the example he is setting for your boys is toxic.
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I just finished sending him a text kind of like that. I told him no rush in responding. To take his time and deeply think if I’m the one he wants a life with. If so some changes need to happen. But I also assured him if we did go our own way I’ll be here to help I know he isn’t financially stable and I don’t want him to just be with me because he needs my money. And I will never ever keep him from his son. We will see how it goes.
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If he does have Covert Narcissist traits no doubt he’ll be promising the world and begging you back in, that’s how they work… Once you’ve seen it, you can’t un-see it.
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Katy, you deserve so much better. Nobody should tolerate abuse of any form. I’ve been with my wife for a couple decades, I’ve never once called her a name or tried to bring her down… I want to lift her up. Last thing I have daughters your age and if I ever found out some fuck stick was doing that to them he would have problems.
Good job staying strong. You seem to be a intelligent, beautiful young lady and you deserve someone who will treat you well. Best wishes to you, know your worth.
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Just wanted to say “
” I applaud this response! And I feel the same about my kids
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Me too. 14 years in my case, and we’ve been through some tough times. No matter how tough it is or how much we might disagree though, insults or abuse are never happening. That’s not a relationship; when you insult your partner you’re using them as a punching bag. Not ok.
There are lots of good men out there. It takes some searching - just like any type of search - but it is worth it. There’s also a full and fulfilling life in living single and cultivating your relationship with yourself and your kids. No one is defined by their partner. We are defined by our choices, and those are our power.
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Do you think someone can change from that? He’s apologized and said he doesn’t like to see me cry. I hardly ever cry in front of him. I think it’s his job. He wasn’t working over a year now drinking. It was all good until he returned. 
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Sure people can change habits but it’s unlikely that he’ll change it with you without seeking professional help. A habit of abusing you has been established as acceptable. You need to establish firm boundaries for yourself and you have to stick to them no matter what. Once you establish them you can communicate what they are to him so he knows. If he violates them follow through. I really do wish you and he the best
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I think “the proof is in the pudding”.
If he can change, he doesn’t need you there to do that. The work he needs to do can be done at AA or another similar organization, or if the focus is more on him getting a handle on his anger, then attending Emotions Anonymous can help:
https://emotionsanonymous.org/find-an-ea-meeting/
There’s two different things going on here:
- You (Katy) need to be personally safe (that means physically safe and respected, in body and in emotion). This is non negotiable, and that means if the place you are is not a safe place, you find another place.
- He needs to get a handle on his emotions and his drinking. It is not your responsibility to hold his hand through this. He is not a child. Your safety and his personal self-management are two completely separate things. If you are not safe, you staying is not going to help either of you. In fact, being apart can create space to really make progress.
He has given you lots of evidence that he has not changed, and no evidence that he has changed (other than words, apologizing, which is not the same as changed behaviour). Waiting longer for evidence that he changed, when you have lots of evidence that he has not changed, is… ??? What am I waiting for? I already know what is happening. If I’m living in the fantasy world of what could happen, why am I living in that fantasy? What does that do for me? (or for the kids? If things stay the same way they have been for years? What does that do? What does it say? You staying is not required for them to have a meaningful relationship with their father)
Can someone change? Hypothetically, yes. However in the great majority of cases, they don’t. But that’s not the point. This isn’t about him. This is about you being present and available for the relationships that matter (your relationship with yourself, and your relationship with your kids). The question is really this: what can I do to strengthen those two relationships?
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Sounds like you’re better off without him. Your boys will adjust cuz you’ll be more content. Don’t worry about what your family will think. It’s your life. You’ve got two kids depending on you. So glad they are your focus now. You’re not alone. 
You can do this!
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More resources about men working to break the cycle of anger / abuse / manipulation:
The summary is: we’re not really sure of how many men can break cycles of abuse. There is some research but it is inconclusive. What does that mean? Staying in a relationship where there is abuse, is a roll of the dice.
So the question is, why roll the dice? Why not step out of the game and work independently on something that puts you in charge, instead of leaving your future up to chance?
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I kind of think of it as a problem drinker vs an alcoholic some regain control, some cannot but the situation isn’t good in either case.
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