Do you think someone can change from that? He’s apologized and said he doesn’t like to see me cry. I hardly ever cry in front of him. I think it’s his job. He wasn’t working over a year now drinking. It was all good until he returned. 
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Sure people can change habits but it’s unlikely that he’ll change it with you without seeking professional help. A habit of abusing you has been established as acceptable. You need to establish firm boundaries for yourself and you have to stick to them no matter what. Once you establish them you can communicate what they are to him so he knows. If he violates them follow through. I really do wish you and he the best
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I think “the proof is in the pudding”.
If he can change, he doesn’t need you there to do that. The work he needs to do can be done at AA or another similar organization, or if the focus is more on him getting a handle on his anger, then attending Emotions Anonymous can help:
https://emotionsanonymous.org/find-an-ea-meeting/
There’s two different things going on here:
- You (Katy) need to be personally safe (that means physically safe and respected, in body and in emotion). This is non negotiable, and that means if the place you are is not a safe place, you find another place.
- He needs to get a handle on his emotions and his drinking. It is not your responsibility to hold his hand through this. He is not a child. Your safety and his personal self-management are two completely separate things. If you are not safe, you staying is not going to help either of you. In fact, being apart can create space to really make progress.
He has given you lots of evidence that he has not changed, and no evidence that he has changed (other than words, apologizing, which is not the same as changed behaviour). Waiting longer for evidence that he changed, when you have lots of evidence that he has not changed, is… ??? What am I waiting for? I already know what is happening. If I’m living in the fantasy world of what could happen, why am I living in that fantasy? What does that do for me? (or for the kids? If things stay the same way they have been for years? What does that do? What does it say? You staying is not required for them to have a meaningful relationship with their father)
Can someone change? Hypothetically, yes. However in the great majority of cases, they don’t. But that’s not the point. This isn’t about him. This is about you being present and available for the relationships that matter (your relationship with yourself, and your relationship with your kids). The question is really this: what can I do to strengthen those two relationships?
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Sounds like you’re better off without him. Your boys will adjust cuz you’ll be more content. Don’t worry about what your family will think. It’s your life. You’ve got two kids depending on you. So glad they are your focus now. You’re not alone. 
You can do this!
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More resources about men working to break the cycle of anger / abuse / manipulation:
The summary is: we’re not really sure of how many men can break cycles of abuse. There is some research but it is inconclusive. What does that mean? Staying in a relationship where there is abuse, is a roll of the dice.
So the question is, why roll the dice? Why not step out of the game and work independently on something that puts you in charge, instead of leaving your future up to chance?
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I kind of think of it as a problem drinker vs an alcoholic some regain control, some cannot but the situation isn’t good in either case.
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Don’t marry him. You’re better off raising your child in a non abusive household. It is far more damaging in the long run than raising them in a single parent home.
Leave him.
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Pastor Jeff Crippen (link below) does a lot of work in the area of Christian marriage and how no Christian is obligated to stay in a marriage where there is abuse or similar exploitation / narcissism / sociopathy.
Jesus does not endorse abuse and exploitation and he definitely does not say people should just endure it. (I mean, the whole visit to the temple to shut down the money changers was about exactly that: a bunch of people abusing others and exploiting them, and Jesus just comes in, flips their tables over and says, “Nope, this isn’t happening, what you’re doing is wrong, stop it.” The Apostle Paul also strongly condemns anyone taking advantage of another person, and emphasizes that Christian behaviour is to show love and to behave in honourable ways - always - which obviously means no abuse or exploitation: 1 Thessalonians 4.)
This post is about exactly what you mention above: the “sugar” someone puts on their words, to hide the darkness and rot of their unacceptable behaviour:
He has a couple other links here about this, from the same pastor:
And if you search him on YouTube he has a lot of sermons and talks.
One final thought: if you do choose to leave, you are not doing a bad thing and you do not have to get your church’s permission, and you don’t have to explain yourself to your church. God is the one who sees you and who knows you, and that is all that matters.
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This is about the lamest p.o.s. response I could imagine. Like it’s about not making a girl cry (cos we all know, girls are prone to crying) instead of, idk, not being a dick.
And sadly this is also the textbook enabling beaten down spouse response.
Girl, I’m not saying this to throw shade at you. But you have a lot of feedback here from a combined many years of life experience through all social circles. Open your eyes. Get educated, read some books on relationship abuse and narcissism. And then get yourself to safety and out of that misery. You deserve so much, so much better.
Try the Narcissist apocalypse podcast. It’s survivor stories, just ppl’s experiences. Gotta start getting informed. That’s the first step, acknowledgement.
Teile Podcast Narcissist Apocalypse #narcissistApocalypse
Narcissist Apocalypse - Podcast Addict via @PodcastAddict
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This!!! This right here! Is exactly right
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Couldn’t have said it better, as always. Katy, will be praying for strength and courage for you. Self esteem comes with sobriety and working a recovery program. Keep going.
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X2.
Lots of good advice in this thread but Shay, you take the cake.
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Hi everyone I’ve taken all you’ve said and took the time to cry and really just take a step back and really look into my relationship. I have called off the engagement. As of now I still plan to work something between us but he has moved back with his parents leaving us the house. Think we both need a little time apart to heal and we plan to occasionally go on dates in a months or so and just see how it goes. I explained how he almost jeopardized my sobriety and I will not have it anymore. I feel ….I don’t know…unstoppable I guess?? Just healthy and strong and more capable of achieving more. I don’t want to loose that again.
Yesterday was a day full of tears, but today will be different!
THANK YIU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT❤️
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So proud of you girl! Protect that sobriety like the gift it is
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Good for you Katy. You deserve respect, from yourself, and from everyone else. 
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Unstoppable is right. Protect your sobriety and your heart as this goes along. We are here when you need us. I’m proud of your healthy forward motion. 
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This is empowerment, and it only gets stronger the more you listen to your heart!
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So good to read this. You’re unstoppable for sure Katy. Just keep going forward. As you are. x
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Good for you! You have a solid plan 
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