I keep relapsing and the longest ive gone sober was 35 days. I realize that once i start feeling better, then i trick my brain into thinking i can moderate…which i cant. Im a weekend drinker and and will choose either a Fri or Sat to get drunk. Ive had a couple hookups with the same person very drunk who i only reach out to when drunk and wanting to have sex. I get really lonely sometimes even when around others, and drinking is the only thing that helps me have “fun” but i end up hating myself for it because i feel like shit afterwards. Im so depressed i feel like there is no hope and everyone else around me can control their drinking. I want to attend an AA group in my town but i know i cant because im sure i will run into clients. Im talking to a LADC licensed therapist but idk if its even helping she thinks its easy for me to moderate but its impossible. I just dont know what to do i feel hopeless and lonely and sad and dont want to live this way anymore. Sorry if this post was too much info i just need some help and idk what to do anymore
Zoom 24 / 7 AA Meetings camera and mic off if you prefer not to be seen.
There is always someone who knows how you feel and wants to help, especially on here 
It is definitely not too much info. We all have stories, some very similar to yours, and this is a safe space to share our stories. 
I tried moderating for years. I was a weekend drinker for years as well and was always up for a good party when wasted…I woke up in some crazy places over the years with countless strangers. That ‘connection’ we seek…it isn’t really someone else we are longing for. At least that is what I have come to believe. It is our selves…that connection to our being…the self respect, self confidence and self love we are missing. We look outward for it…thinking someone else can fill the loneliness. Our longest and most important relationship always is with our self. That is what I believe. I searched in a bottle, in a bed, in a pill, in so many different ways for the way to fill that hole in my heart. All along it was self love I was missing. And that is what sobriety is all about for me. Discovering that self love, self confidence, self pride and self esteem that exists within.
Believe me…you CAN do this. If in person meetings feel too scary, how about a Zoom meeting? There are tons of them. Or being really active on here? Or a meeting in another town.
Your therapist doesn’t sound like they know much about problematic drinking. Can you find one that specializes in substance abuse issues? It might help.
You don’t want to live like that anymore and that is a wise choice. It sucks living like that. And there is way way more to life than drunken BS and bad decisions. You are worth way more.
Take each day, each hour, each minute as it comes. Read around here more and read some quit lit. Learn some coping techniques…taking walks, working out, distraction, meetings, anything but drink.
You CAN do this. Believe in yourself. 
I had this problem early in my recovery. I’ve been to a handful of therapists; the one I’m with now really understands that recovery is not just like changing a habit; it’s deeper than that. It took me a few therapists to find him.
It is possible to find your path. You need help. None of us do it alone. Keep an open mind and take it one day at a time, and remember “nothing changes if nothing changes”. You’re gonna have to change some of your patterns and routines.
There’s loads of meetings online - you can find somewhere to meet with people; you can do it. You are not alone.
There’s also loads of resources in this thread that Sassy put together:
You’re a good person and you deserve a safe, clear life where you can be the person you want to be. It is possible.
Thank you very much for the kind words of support. My therapist is a licensed drug and alcohol counselor but i feel like she thinks my drunken stories are funny and she really doesnt say very much and i just end up talking and she just stares at me. Im paying $40 a time to meet with her and its not worth it.
Sounds like she needs more training. I support you firing her and finding someone who knows their shit. Not every therapist is good at their job and it can take a few times to find someone who is helpful and you click with.
I see her tomorrow at 5 pm and totally forgot to cancel ahead of time…how do you tell a therapist its not a good fit? Im so scared…
I just usually don’t make another appointment. If you feel like going tomorrow, you could say, ‘I feel like you aren’t taking my drinking seriously and I need a therapist who can support me in getting sober.’ Or something like that. You don’t owe them any explanation tho. You are paying for their service.
Remember your paying her, she is working for you and if your not getting what you think you need from the arrangement just be open and honest… Us alcoholics OPEN AND HONEST!!!.. It’s a strange and difficult concept but 100% of the time it works. We can sleep easy at night no matter the outcome as long as we know we are honest.
“Progress not Perfection.”
Hang in there.
And she thinks an addict can moderate? 
You deffinitely need a better one! Sorry.
You are her customer and she is not delivering, you deserve better!
I had a bad therapist for a few years. It cost me many more years of my life to get over that experience. Tell her you need a professional who will take you serious and bye.
Good luck.
I’m so glad that you’ve reached out like this to the community, stating how you feel, and have gotten ( and will continue to get) good support.
Checking in daily here is helpful because you will not feel so alone … and there’s a group of people here who have fought/ are fighting the same battles you’re facing.
A therapist, online or 3D meetings and whatever else you get involved in are all good.
If you’re a reader, there’s lots of Quit Lit out there. @SassyRocks has a good list on her thread and in the book thread. If you’re interested I’ll find the threads for you. Many like “The Naked Mind”.
You are not alone. The people here “get it”. Obviously your therapist doesn’t.
Best to you as you go forward to get what you want for you. Hugs.
I relapsed almost 20 years I’ve been sober now 3 it is possible and I’m rooting for you
This illness is very real and very destroying, i am an alcoholic who if i drink i have the same feelings, shame, remourse and absolutely no self esteem, i got help a few years ago now and i no longer drink, it wasnt easy at all but it was the best thing i ever did, i could not stop drinking alone but i also cannot stop drinking for anyone else either. Plesae keep trying and hopefully you will have a life with no fear or anxiety, good look to anyone who decides to stop drinking alcohol, its really wirth it.
How did it go and how are you doing? Hope all is well!
This post reminds me to be aware that my relapsing wasn’t the problem, but a symptom of deeper rooted problems within me. And that if ignored, they will subconsciously work against me undermining and sabotaging my conscious efforts to quit. @Charlie6987 , we may not share the same addiction, but we do share similar problems.
One problem I see is lack of connection. Talking Sober is an example of a connection. But I needed to refine my connection and get more men in my life that know me and are looking out for my personal and spiritual growth. AA would be great connection to add to your journey. And if the AA in town doesn’t work, go to an AA in another city. I’ve driven an hour to go to a meeting. And Zoom makes online meetings very possible. There really isn’t any good excuse for one to avoid refining the need for connection.
Another root problem that I see is toxic shame. This inner subconscious belief that I’m a horrible worthless piece of garbage. So I have to hide my flaws. I’m afraid of people knowing who I really am. Because I desperately need other people’s validation. It’s rooted in my toxic shame. Nasty root. These validation seeking behaviors also reinforce my shame. So they need to stop, and I need to start demonstrating that I’m a person of value. And find others that I can be my true genuine self, flaws and all.
A third root problem I see is brainwashing. It’s the belief that my DOC has value. That by choosing to live without it, I’m making a grand sacrifice. Thus, moderation appears more appealing than completely stopping. Allen Carr makes a great illustration to show how moderation is simply increasing the time period between using sessions and thus, increasing the amount of withdrawal pangs. Full indulgence would be better. Moderation is misery.
I often thought, along with others, that the addiction; the relapsing, was the problem. It’s not. Focusing on merely the symptoms while ignoring the root problems is a wrong way to look at it. I don’t care anymore about how sober or not sober one is. I recognize that such things like lack of connection, toxic shame, brainwashing, along with other things… are the problem. Without addressing them, I’m not surprised that the symptoms of using remain.
Charlie you’ll get there we have to
I know the feeling when we feel great
Then the drink heads comes on and says
Come just have 1 drink that’s all
But were powerless over alcohol
Please don’t give up
Am trying again today
Remember we have a illness
Your in my prayers 