I keep relapsing and i hate it

I hate it so much. I keep doing this. Ill have consequences from drinking too much, so i get sober for a few months at most, i tell myself i can comtrol it this time, i have a few drinks and i think im safe, it gets out of control, shit goes wrong, rinse and repeat. Its exhausting. I want so badly to have a normal relationship with alcohol. Just have a single glass of wine at dinner, but everytime I think its gonna work out it doesnt. I cant do moderation and i cant keep doing apology tours when i worry my friends. An apology without changed behavior is just manipulation. I want to be happy and healthy and financially stable, but i cant do that when i drink.

Im going to a meeting monday with a friend of mine. I keep almost going to meetings and then i chicken out last minute so now ill have someone to hold me to my promise. Im gonna tell my therapist im driking more again and that i think i need to quit and never ever drink again. I cant do moderation, it never ends well. Its so hard to accept that.

And its hard cause its so easy to get. I dont have a dealer these days so i cant get drugs, and any people i know who do drugs wont help me get them cause they dont want me to backslide. But booze is at every restaurant, every block seems to have a liquor store, its everywhere and so easy to buy. The longest ive ever been sober is 13 months and thats before i was legal drinking age in my country. Its too easy now.

I just feel so lost. Its like, ok ive identified the problem now i have to do the work. When i left the hospital in november i thought that id never touch alcohol again cause i had to detox in the hospital and it was hell. Then my friend died later that month and i drank again to cope. I drank throughout December cause “i cant do xmas with the family while sober” and told myself id do a dry January and get back on track. I didnt obviously and here we are.

So uh yeah. Things havent been great but now i know what i need to do. Time for me to get my shit together and finally do this properly. I cant keep going back and forth on this.

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I know its so disheartening , I’m feeling for you. So a counsellor recently asked me, this was 25 days ago . When I was in the Phsyc ward at the hospital because of feeling suicidal from stuffing up which seemed like the millionth time in my life… all because of getting too drunk . He asked me, so girl how is going back to the booze working out for ya?? I replied, not too good mate…then he said. If you were deathly allergic to Strawberries would you go and eat them ? I said yes , only coz I didn’t listen properly and I was still hungover, but then I said OH NO No I wouldn’t eat them! Of course not, in fact I’d do everything to avoid them, I’d go to great lengths to keep far away from them. For me that’s just how I have to think now. Alcohol is going to be the death of me. Ya gotta treat alcohol like a deadly allergen. Don’t mess with it. Don’t even go there.
Don’t give up trying to give up the booze, you can do it. I believe in you , there’s thousands of people on here who believe in you too, keep trying​:heart::heart:

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Hi there is a way of getting off the hamster wheel and that is accept you cannot drink and start working on a recovery program, take a leap of faith and reclaim your life, a life with none of the crap booze brings to us all good luck

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Thank you for your post it was such an honest one. Its seems that you have truly had enough and youre sick of being sick. Ive been to detox in hospital twice and fuck its a horrible experience! It still took me more downfalls and going to a 90 day inpatient treatment to finally stop. I stopped for awhile after treatment but i relapsed over exactly what you just said. Being around family! In my case toxic family! That friend you are going to the meeting with, stick with them. Just cut out all the rest. I posted awhile ago about fantasizing about having a drink on my holiday’s and reality is i just can’t! Id ruin it for myself and my family. You will always have those thoughts of " oh id love a casual drink one day" the reality is once we have became addicted we just cant. Im looking at it in a way now like a gift ive been given, im finally free! Fuck getting wasted and hurting myself and my loved ones. Fuck waking up dirty and ashamed of what i have done and vomiting for days! Its your time now to reclaim your life and make it something beautiful. Think of it not as a life sentence but as a ticket to freedom. Wait until you see all you achieve being sober. Hope this helps. Best of luck :heart:

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This piece of writing contains really good stuff:

*Going to a meeting
*Opening up and be honest to your therapist
*You admitting to yourself you can’t do moderation.

That’s a good start to change your life for the good. I think we all wished we could do moderation, I know I would. But I can’t and believe me I tried!

I know it’s difficult to accept but when you have more sober days and your life is turning around for the better it’s easier to accept.
I accept! My life is soooo much better right now!
I wish you the same :heavy_heart_exclamation:

Go to that meeting, you won’t regret it! :facepunch:

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Some good advice and definitely go to meetings and commit to them for at least 90 days. If you don’t like the first meeting find another but don’t stop going.

Also don’t beat yourself up to much, we all make mistakes and its just about learning and moving forward.

You’ve got this.

Your only relationship with alcohol is to not have one at all. Until you accept and act upon that fact this cycle will not end.

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Seems to me you are at the fork in the road between wanting to have a functional relationship with alcohol and wanting sobriety.

Let’s get this as clear as possible: They exclude each other. Which one are you going to choose and pursue?

You need to make that decision so you can get off the relapse hamster wheel.

Here are some resources that have helped others: Resources for our recovery

Another thing I would advise is to actually spend some time on here and read other’s stories. Feel similarities. You’ve been on here for 2.5yrs, you’ve created many topics but only have 4hrs reading time. Reading and connecting on here helps ppl to get and stay sober. Start here.

Good luck.

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I can relate very much. I did the same cycles myself. Similar excuses. The desire to drink normally is maddening. But giving up on that is the first step. For me, I can’t do a handstand, or speak Arabic, and in the same way I just can’t drink. I can do other things. I can be a good friend, a hard worker, etc, but just not drink.
I was also terrified of meetings. They are a regular part of my routine now. I am glad you have a friend to support you. They are not the scary thing you think they are. After all, everyone there understands your situation. Good luck :purple_heart:

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Agree with @SoberWalker that while you feel pretty low right no, there is some very good stuff in your post.

There is a difference between, knowing you have a major issue with alcohol, and excepting that fact. In order for me to get to acceptance, I had to participate in a recovery program, eventually learning to, except what I had known for years delivered a freedom that I’ve never known. I have no desire to drink, no fear of missing out you can get there too. Stick with that friend that wants you to go to a meeting. That is the way to true freedom and learning to accept.

You can’t.
That’s the simple point.
I can’t.
We can’t.

There is just no possibility in a relationship with alcohol. We have to accept that.

We have to make the decision.
For ourselves!

Much love :white_heart::green_heart::white_heart:

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Yes, it is hard to accept, but when you do accept it and actually embrace it, you can be free.

Your story is so familiar to me. I had too many short quits to count. A few days or weeks, even a month sometimes, and I then I would believe the lies I told myself, that I could moderate. It took almost losing my marriage for me to realize that the only control I had over my drinking, was to not drink at all.

My drinking is under complete control: I don’t drink. Never again. I won’t drink because I don’t drink. I am a non-drinker.

Accept it. Embrace it. Do the work, and you can be joyfully free.

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Nice summary :ok_hand:t2:

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A book that I keep reading talks about this deadly allergy.
It’s called alcoholics anonymous.
Great book. Saved my life.

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“I’m allergic to alcohol. Whenever I drink it, I break out in handcuffs”
-Robert Downey Jr.-

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I keep relapsing. Im so upset that i reset again. I go withoutvit for a few days and then that voice in my head says its ok to have a couple but it never ends there. I always want more. I cant keep going in circles. I need to except the fact that im not a normal drinker. I cant drink at a because im alcoholic. Next step. Go to a meeting.

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Are you drinking now ?

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I am in this exact situation which is how I found the app. I got months clean and then relapse and drink way too much, no moderation. I don’t want to do it anymore. I am so sorry you are going through this

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No im at work.

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Are you new here?

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