Seems to me you are at the fork in the road between wanting to have a functional relationship with alcohol and wanting sobriety.
Let’s get this as clear as possible: They exclude each other. Which one are you going to choose and pursue?
You need to make that decision so you can get off the relapse hamster wheel.
Here are some resources that have helped others: Resources for our recovery
Another thing I would advise is to actually spend some time on here and read other’s stories. Feel similarities. You’ve been on here for 2.5yrs, you’ve created many topics but only have 4hrs reading time. Reading and connecting on here helps ppl to get and stay sober. Start here.
Good luck.