Im at 61 days without my crutch. Vodka. Litre after litre for weeks at a time, then the inevitable hospital visit after a disastrous event, hallucinating like a train and wishing i hadnt woke up. Ok, so ive broken that cycle, im glad, however now im at another dreaded part of this whole thing- my head is clearing , and the demons i kept caged are all comi g out to play. Self recrimination, awful things ive done, how ive treated ppl, the underlying depression and mental health issues , all vying with each other to drive me nuts. Im not going to drink them away, im past my bodys abilities to do that and would most likely die if i fell off the wagon again, but oh my god the demons, i cant get any damn peace from them. Youād think your head clearing was a positive thing, in my case, youd be wrong.
Unfortunately that bit is part of the road to recovery but your doing the best thing in talking about it , have you thought of get any professional help or maybe try meeting, meditating or just writing your thoughts down but you need to make peace with your past and move forward anyway wish you well
Itās about building up a toolbox to deal with these things, in my early days of sobriety I went to 6 or 7 AA meeting a week got phone number which I used in between I spent hours on here and of my own mental health problems I was seeing a doctor too
What kind of food do you like? Favourite movies? What gets your toe tapping? Those great things do seem distance sometimes but they still exist.
I understand some of the pains that you speak of from my past. I wish you the best and I hope that these feelings pass and more importantly that you get an understanding of there legs and therefore you can Nancy Kerrigan them at the knees.
Good on you for your honesty and keep writing, It is known to remove the power from negative self talk.
Youāre not alone. Hereās my post from earlier today:
Hi Team, today Iām feeling a bit down. As I write this I recognize I sound like a complainer.
I am being troubled by regret over losing my family. Specifically, getting divorced in 2017 due to my selfish actions. The pain I caused to my ex-wife and our children. It still haunts me and I canāt get rid of it. The relationship Iāve been in since 2019 has also just ended. Again on my account due to selfishness in substance abuse.
I am almost 50 and to have this much wreckage and starting all over again with no family (apart from kids) and limited support network. Angry and frustrated I find myself in yet another situation where I am suffering and have caused suffering as a result of my actions which are a result of all the crap in my subconscious mind. My hurting soul.
I just want peace and happiness. Joy and laughter. Safety and stability. To get out of my past. To stop letting myself think Iām washed up or a failure or a bad person. To enjoy a healthy and loving relationship with a woman. To not worry about the future or finances. To be a trustworthy and dependable father to my kids.
Im glad you shared. Im restarting my journey again. I found hope today reading things from the smart recovery app. About my faulty belief system. I think your 61 days are beyond amazing. I had almost 5 months last year. I found a lot of strength in your post. Sometimes it feels like im the only one who during sobriety has the demons attacking me. To know that others have it too and stay sober is beyond empowering.
Youāre referring to Matthew 12:43-45, where Jesus teaches:
āWhen an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, āI will return to the house I left.ā When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first.ā
This passage describes a scenario where:
An evil spirit is cast out of a person.
The spirit wanders, seeking a new home.
Returning to the original person, it finds the āhouseā (the personās heart or life) empty and clean.
The spirit then invites seven more evil spirits to occupy the person, making their condition even worse than before.
Jesus used this illustration to warn against superficial cleansing or reform, emphasizing the need for true spiritual transformation and filling the void with Godās presence.
You need to ask for Jesus to come in your heart accept his free gift of salvation and turn your life over to him. After that he will give you the Holy Spirit and demons dont play with the Holy Spirit they will leave you alone permanently once he takes control of your life. Ive been drinking straight liquor for the last 15 yearsā¦A pint or more of straight liquor every single night and ive done some terrible things that i have a hard time forgiving myself. However with the help of the Holy Spirit all the demons rhat tormented me have left and im starting to heal and move forward by the spirits love and grace. Im now over 8 months sober! If you need help on how to become saved and delivered please reach out to me anytime
The first time I got sober(2019), I remember those exact same feelings at that exact same time. All day, every day, my regrets haunted me. It was truly torturous. At exactly 60 days, I couldnāt take it anymore and needed to do something. This community was all I was using for recovery at the time, so I decided to follow itās advice and try AA. What did I have to lose? I searched for a meeting and was astonished to find one that started 45 minutes from then, just 1 mile from my house. Iād never felt so comfortable in a room full of strangers. When it was my turn, I told them I wanted to know how to deal with regrets. The entire room had answers for me. It changed my life forever. When I got sober again this time, I completely skipped over this part bc I already knew what to do to get through it. Nowadays Iām not able to get to meetings very often, but I still use what I learned there everyday. It taught me how to live 10/10 would recommend
Something that can help dull the mind, if but for some minutes, is Tibetian bowls soundsāquite boring, but if one bears it out, it works for a little while anyway. And even some minutes with the voice of ones.tortured soul numbed somewhat, without That Stuff, is helpful. All the best to you.
Try just writing down your feelings. Just those, thatās all it has to be. If you want to explore a certain feeling, just breathe and talk yourself through it. I mean this in the most literal sense if need be.
I have out loud conversations about intrusive thoughts, memories of trauma and poor choices, etc that pass through, and talk myself through both sides of it to help the process. Sometimes Iām the only one who gets me, but itās a good practice to start working on emotional awareness and practice separating thoughts out from feelings.
Thereās a workbook I use for dialectical behavioral therapy thatās been helpful. I can post the link if you want. Dialectical therapy is like, learning how to be a person who can actually function emotionally. I suck at personal emotional awareness and itās been helpful for realizing the importance of separating thoughts from feelings. They are not the same thing.
You can do this. Take time. Making the journey through the valley of the shitty things we did blows but so does festering and being stagnant and an asshole to ourselves instead of trying literally anything.
You should take the advice someone else posted about maybe getting a psych assessment. If youāre in need of actual behavioral meds or some such, that could be beneficial to processing things more clearly. Turns out Iām wildly bipolar and that was adding so much fuel to my own addict flame.
Donāt fester, no good ever came from festering. Listen to some good white noise things, lo-fi music, watch people draw if you donāt feel like you can create anything yourself right now. Lay out on the grass and just breathe. Be kind to yourself and remember every day youāre doing the best you can to make the ammends you can.
Also just, sometimes you canāt rebuild every bridge and itās better to let some things lie and just keep walking on. It feels uncomfortable, but just let it happen. Keep reaching out, but remember to not live in the āI was a piece of shit so now Iāll be one forever no saving meā identity.
You can do this, youāre doing it right now man, just reaching out here. Sending my best.
Editing to add: to this day I get in my head obsessive about some things and itās a bad place, so I get in my car and go to some other part of my town or the next town over and just park somewhere and go for a walk. Sometimes itās in the shops and other times just residential neighborhoods. Find some nice coffee shops with a good ambience and become a usual. It helps to make new little habits and find places to get out of our heads.
Make new connections. Yes AA is great, but look for things that could be a new outlet other than just the addiction/recovery world. Part of recovery is discovery. Check bulletin boards or libraries, etc for groups or events you might like. New surroundings or just being out of my āfunk zoneā helps when I get the way youāre referring to.
Sorry to hear about your struggles Darren but I really can relate , all I can say is that it does get easier and people do forgive and forget it just takes time .
Possibly speak to your GP regarding anti depressants which helped me massively and a referral to Healthy Minds .
I can testify to feeling that way. I have Complex PTSD. I donāt know if it helps but perhaps colouring your feelings out with an appropriate colouring page that speaks to you and how you feel?
I cannot always verbally find words, one episode lasted 3 weeks straight [CPSTD]. Riding it out is incredibly hard and you feel like youāre in a pressure cooker. I figured Iād offer one of my ways of handing these things out for myself.
Hi, 1st im sorry i didnāt reply sooner, for some reason ive literally only just got notification of your reply, which is amazing, i am so grateful you took the time to reply that much, yes, its hard , im still sober , approaching 90 days, then the big ine, 100. It would be better if i had ppl in my life to celebrate those occasions with but i dont, so your reply meant a lot. Thankyou.
10/10 would recommend 
