Hi all,
I have been with my girlfriend since late 2019. I broke up with her last year and then we got back together. I think she is a really great person, but it breaks my heart how much she drinks. It has made me drink too; to such a stage that I want to be sober and never drink again. I’m afraid if I don’t drink, we won’t relate well together. She has often said we get on better drunk. I appreciate any feedback, as honest as you need to be. I need help…thankyou
I think the answer is right in front of you but you just don’t want to see it.
Hi, I geuss you know it yourself already. Looking at:
“I’m afraid if I don’t drink, we won’t relate well together. She has often said we get on better drunk.”
Is this what you want out of a relationship. As a addict there is only one relationship and that’s with the addiction. My ex-girlfriend thought we had a connection, but that was a illusion. As an addict it’s virtually impossible to have an emotional connection while active. At least in my imao opinion. Don’t let you drag into it, although it seems you already did…
If I interpret this correctly, you say it’s your girlfriend’s fault that you drink right?
Did she force the booze down your throat? Did she threaten to hurt you if you didn’t drink?
As humans, we all choose our own actions. Even at gunpoint, we choose, do we comply or resist?
So be honest, was it really your girlfriend that caused your drinking? Or was it perhaps you?
I know that every time I used my DOC, I was doing it because I wanted to, even if it seemed otherwise.
Good job on asking for honest advice, that takes strength
Toxic people have a way of finding and sticking to people like you - you want to see the good in them. It’s not a coincidence. Though I’m sure it’s difficult, you ought to choose what’s best for you. Otherwise you’ll stay here forever. Must you make yourself sick to be with someone as the condition for entry? Not with 7.5B people out there. Good luck bud and be well.
I feel you; that is heartbreaking 
I think ultimately with relationships it comes down to “are we working on this together?” No one is perfect, no relationship is perfect. They’re always works in progress. And that effort of ongoing relationship-building is what makes relationships work long term.
Addiction is about escape from life, evading / numbing out. Alcohol and all the addictions are ways to numb oneself. They’re a ticket out of life for a few hours, and there’s a cycle of escape.
The question you need to answer here is whether you’re both working on your life and your relationship together. If the answer is yes, you know what you need to do. If the answer is no, you know what you need to do.
Keep checking in here 
You’re a good person who deserves a safe, sober life where you can be your full self
If you want to stay sober, shes gotta go find her own way. My ex wife and I went through this. We held on for 5 years and tried to make it work. There is no good ending to this situation. You gotta do you.
Might want to think on this a bit. How does her drinking “make” you drink, or is it a convenient excuse to take the drink you want to take? If you want to be sober and never drink again, how can another’s drinking make you drink?
A foundation of a relationship should be based on solid aspects. A relation of alcoholism to use as your base creates a weak one. I wouldn’t recommend building a house on a weak foundation. I think you need to ask yourself what you want out of this relationship. If it’s something more, such as a family, travel, growing old together, etc., some major overhaul needs to be done before you start a life of misery. Remember above all: your sobriety comes first- its number one. Good luck 
Whether you decide to stay with her or go it alone, Al Anon might be a great place to start. It’s for people that are affected by a family member’s or loved one’s drinking. In this case it sounds like you could qualify for AA or Al Anon. Both are 12 step oriented, but obviously the types of people can be (on average) quite different. If you’re interested in some Al Anon information shoot me a DM.
As a former problem drinker and someone who’s been in a relationship with an alcoholic woman for almost 8 years: Good luck on your journey, friend. It’s a wild ride and one full of ups and downs no matter which path you take. It’s a lot easier when I let a Higher Power decide instead of trying to control the alcoholics drinking though 
This sounds like a flag to me too. If alcohol is holding a relationship together it can’t be much of a relationship. 
Im sorry @icandothis1, deep down i think you know this is true.
@icandothis1, I can’t give much advice as I’m only heading towards my 6th night sober. I was the drinking partner though, my ex drank with me so I convinced myself it was ok. He blamed me for his drinking. Now that I’ve made the decision to stop drinking, I’m going to stay single until I know I’ve got this. It’s hard enough without having to deal with another persons issue. As selfish as that might sound. Like everyone else has said, you probably know what you need to do. Tell her how you feel. Be brutally honest.
Congratulations on six nights! It’s so good to see you here with us still =)
@icandothis1If you read what was written directly above there is a part that stands out to me relating to the beginning days of my sobriety
This is a very big piece of the puzzle. Getting sober is easy. It’s the staying sober part that will test you time and time again and for me, without the proper mental strength and conviction, I will surely fall into the trap of drinking again because I wont be able to hold myself higher, let alone accountable, for my actions. I’ve learned that I must hold myself to a higher standard than anyone else because I am the only person on this rock that I can 100% control… everyone else? ZERO PERCENT. The thing I can say to you, and you can take it or leave it, is own every decision you make. Own it to the very core.
I am never alone anymore because I have the ability to look in the mirror with confidence and be proud of what I see. That, my friend, is the biggest reward I’ve gained from sobriety.
It’s not selfish at all. Our primary and most important relationship is with ourselves - with our sober self. We need to be able to “read” ourselves and be able to see what we need, then take action to be sure we are being healthy for ourself.
Only if we have a solid relationship with our sober self, can we have a solid relationship with another person (and even then, only if we choose to - it’s not a requirement).
Take care and remember: you’re a good person who deserves a safe, sober life where you can be your full self.
I was with my ex gf for 4 years, I’ll admit I’m far from perfect, and I was the first person to throw hands if you pointed out any flaws in her,
We got in a fight last May, I left it went downhill from there, I went to treatment and we started talking again, needless to say. My therapist was trying to work with her on our problems, and he saw something I was in denial of,
Hurt people… hurt people,
When I was drunk, she was in control, she could micromanage me cause I couldn’t handle myself, she liked it, until my drinking got really out of control, and then she lost control,
When I started to get better, she didn’t like the idea of me being in control of myself, she saw me gaining strength and gaining control, she’s lost her mind,
My therapist listened to her back and forth about me, and how she wants to fix things but her actions said otherwise, he said to me your never gonna stay sober with her, your never gonna get better and she’s not gonna get help for her issues, it was painful but I walked away
To say till this day I don’t love her, or care about her would be a lie. But I can do that while I live a better life and pray that she gets better, it may be your best Option too, if someone told me I’m better when I’m on the sauce, maybe they are too busy casting shade instead of looking in the mirror at their own flaws
In my experience a toxic relationship just made my addiction problems worse. I have always been drinker, I have always drank way too much etc etc. But getting into a relationship with my high school love the last 4 years really made things take a turn for the worse. He was also an addict, however different drug of choice. I was so stupidly in love that I didn’t want to see how sad and empty our life was. I just kept burying myself deeper and deeper inside the bottle just to hide from what I knew was true. I was desperate for him to show me love while he was incapable of showing love coz of his own addiction. When I think back on it now it was like being in a little chaotic bubble. I have been properly out of it now for about 5 months but things were in a shambles on and off for a year before that. Although I am out, my drinking problem still exists and is very real but without the choas and toxicness. I am able to realise it is a problem, work on myself and look at the real reason I drink. You have to look out for yourself first, one think I learnt is you can’t make someone change no matter how much you love them. And you will regret lowering yourself trying.
Luv this viewpoint and share it. Recovery should be at the first place, everything put in front of that will be lost eventually.
Your ex gf is a prime example of why some people need Al Anon. Thanks for sharing.
Actually she was recommended to Al-Anon, by my therapist, my psychiatrist and our couples therapist, yet she refused to go
Yeah I don’t understand that at all.
When it was recommended to me for my gf’s drinking I went hoping to find an answer to get her to stop. I didn’t really understand that it was for me.
My initial reaction after hearing everyone’s stories of how awful they had it was that it was a place to come and complain about our alcoholics lol. My sponser told me that she didn’t think I was going to get it, but I kept coming back. I was in serious delusion and denial back then.
I’m glad you were able to take care of yourself in the relationship.