So I messed up again. Drank wine Xmas Eve then topped up with cider on Boxing Day then more wine. Yesterday I started sneaking mouthfuls of port and rum that my partner got for Xmas. We had my partners grown up kids and their families round for lunch but just after they arrived my partner realised I was plastered and sent me to bed. I got up after they left feeling horrendous, was crying hysterically and had a few home truths told to me by my partner. I’m now sat on the couch with the shakes feeling awful (not eaten since yesterday morning) and hating myself. Why can’t I do this?
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Maybe try ameeting might help ,helped me stay sober wish you well
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While each of us must decide daily to not drink, I know I did not get sober on my own, nor do I stay sober on my own. To get sober, I started with Antabuse and individual counseling, then returned to AA after about a month and did what they told me to do. Today I stay sober with the help of Talking Sober and regular attendance and involvement with AA.
You might also consider a rehab stay to get you started.
Blessings on your house 
as you begin your journey.
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Big hugs.
First things first, get physically well. Drink water, eat something, get some sleep.
Then you really have to look at how to get mentally / spiritually well. It seems like falling for that old lie ‘I can have just one’ is a bit of an issue for you. No judgment here, it took me literally hundreds of times for it to click. But for some of us, we can never have one or a sip or anything. If you are thinking of drinking, think of your worst times and remember you are signing up for that again eventually.
It seems you tried AA before. Go back again, or to another support program. I think you need the regular person to person support. Going through the steps really helped me deal with some past issues and feel like I was moving on.
Would your partner be up for quitting with you? I had no alcohol in the house for a while, and even now at 3.5 years, I will not have my ‘favourites’ here.
You can do it! 
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I’ve been told several times that relapse is a part of recovery but it doesn’t have to be. I often catch myself thinking about how nice it would be to have just one drink. I deserve it right?
It will never end there though. I am incapable of stopping after the first drink. And if I drank yesterday I’ll drink today too. It never ends well if it ends at all.
Thank you for reminding me who I am and why I’m here.
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first, forgive yourself. addiction is baffling and cunning. most people struggling with this disease need to work really hard to keep it from overpowering us. what is in your recovery toolbox? RECOVERY is the biggest thing for me that makes sobriety possible. this involves facing the uncomfortable and painful feelings that made me want to drink. what are you avoiding? what can help you face feelings so you don’t choose instead to escape them? meetings, therapy, a new or renewed habit that can help you express and process difficult feelings such as art or exercise, journaling, meditation, perhaps spiritual practice? build up your recovery-thru-sobriety toolbox so you can be prepared for the triggers and work through them rather than choosing the old path that you know doesn’t work anymore. sending love and a gentle hug for your heart, sis, i know this hurts. you have it within you to change the path moving forward and we are here to support you. 
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Yesterday i was in a supermarket and this man walked past me…i looked at him and his eyes told me everything…he was drunk…not falling about the place but half cut and not really there, he went straight to the bottles of booze…picked up a massive bottle and just at that i heard one of the staff members shout to him…absolutely not, you are barred…put that down!! They then proceded to frog march this man through the store with everyone watching and my heart sank…it sank even more when i heard the staff talking about him between each other saying how he was always drunk and stealing booze etc etc i felt like screaming at them…he is ill!! He needs help! But i didnt i stayed quiet because people who have never been in our shoes dont understand and never will, i wondered for a minute if i should try and offer help to the man but i didnt because the only person that can help him is himself, he has to choose to seek out help for himself when and if hes finally had enough of that life. Dearest Sarah have you had enough yet? Can you accept yet that you can never moderate?
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I’m going to an AA meeting tonight. I can’t moderate and my partner agrees, he is going to stop with me (he doesn’t have a problem though) I’ve just had some tomato soup and I’m going to chill and try and sleep. As always thank you so much x
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I’m glad to hear your partner is willing tk support you by quitting as well. Hopefully this will be a big help. The same with the meeting.
If you are willing to do it, journaling may be useful. Start now. Write down how awful you feel physically and mentally, write your goals and why they are so important to you. Write your successes along the way and how you feel. Reread what you write to continually remind you of where you don’t want to be when things are good and you’re craving and where you do want to be when things are bad and you’re craving.
Be kind to yourself. Think of yourself as a beloved friend. You wouldn’t berate and chastise this friend in their lowest times, but instead you would encourage them. Mentally speak to yourself as if you were talking to that friend.
Best of luck.
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I think you can do this Sarah but you have to really want it, acceptance that you cant moderate is key, you have all of us here to support you through whenever you need us, you can have a better life🫂
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I was a frequent traveler on the path of self-loathing, and then I was told - you are not your addiction; the hate you feel is for your addiction, not yourself.
It helped change my perspective whenever I started thinking along those lines, and gave me hope - I am a person with loving, with a family worth living for - and they believe in me and love me 
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I’m still feeling fragile but this has just struck a chord with me
Runner4
I was a frequent traveler on the path of self-loathing, and then I was told - you are not your addiction; the hate you feel is for your addiction, not yourself.
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I absolutely hate myself when I’ve been drinking, I think I’m a terrible person but this has made me pause and try to rethink things so thank you 
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Why? Maybe you haven’t chosen your rock bottom yet.
You do know we get to choose our bottom, right? That moment when you not only say “never again”, but you actually embrace it without trepidation, regret, or longing over a perceived loss.
If you told a normie that they could give up drinking in exchange for something better, they’d likely do it in a heartbeat. No sense of loss associated with it at all.
For those with a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol, the thought of never drinking again scares them. They don’t want to give up a coping tool, or a “trusted friend”. I used to be this way.
And then, one day, I chose my bottom. I not only said “never again”, I actually meant it. I knew this was it for me. I had ended my drinking life. The hole I had been digging wasn’t going to get one millimeter deeper. Oh, the feeling of peace that came over me. It was the finality of it, I think.
Chose your bottom, before your bottom choses you.
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Don’t hate yourself, but maybe, yes , question why you can’t do this .
I’ve had some bad and some what bad relapses before I hit day 10 again today.
Try to look at it from outside the box, and rather then just quitting, maybe look at your triggers and how they tend to lead up to drinking .
Try to attempt new game plans moving forward into the future .
Also just because you’ve relapsed, doesnt deny your success before in sobriety. I’ve come to conclusion and learned sometimes that apart of recovery at time, though it isn’t and doesn’t feel acceptable, is relapsing. Not saying it’s GOOD to relapse, but don’t use just one relapse and guilt / shame to go back to your old habits.
Self reflect.
Write down some journals and reminders of your worst days of maybe withdrawals & why you quit.
Self reflect & involve yourself with people who do not drink or want to be absent from alcohol.
I have had to cut out two family members entirely who have a drinking problem because I know when I’m around them I always think it’s okay to drink (even if it is okay in the moment) I know deep down where one drink usually leads me . (I’m a heavy binge drinker) .
I have read a post from someone on here (i forget their name) where I’m working on changing my relationship with alcohol , because like many alcoholics , I to , love to drink & love the buzz as dangerous and addictive as it is.
So now even when I’m craving it, I do think about the side effects all the time, the shakes, the anxiety, the uncontrollable feelings all mixed with nausea and rapid heart beat. I also think when I don’t binge drink, the cringe feeling kinda comes back of drinking alcohol , because as much as we can have a tolerance to it, theres nothing pleasurable about drinking it when it comes to compared of drinking something sweet like mango juice, soda, or even a milk shake.
Just keep pushing, be open with having a problem with everyone. Be honest with yourself, your loved ones, and even people who you think deserve to know these things.
Keep good resources of people who have the same goals & ideas. Work on staying busy and pick up sober habits you know that personally work for you and that you enjoy.
Good luck, and don’t let a relapse give you the reason to quit being sober. I’ve been there and done that so many times , but what matters is that you get and up try it again.
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You’re welcome!! 
You are wonderful; the experiences we have help us learn and grow - but they don’t define us
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For me it was deciding to go to any lengths to get and stay sober. I just could NOT do it on will power, which sounds like what Im hearing from you.
I remember you from your last posts and I really identify with a lot of what you share. I wish you the best.
Maybe try a program of recovery. It seems drastic but that’s ok. Your life the way it is now isn’t.
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Sad story and unbelievable how ignorant many people are in unknown of this ill prayers to all they are struggling at time
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I really felt for him 
how did the meeting go Sarah? Sending love and hugs 
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“Why can’t I do this”?
Being honest with myself and getting comfortable with being uncomfortable
Doing this on the regular…wrks4me
Be well
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