Funny Steve I also logged into today for the first time for awhile. Often thought about you as we both joined this forum at about same time many years ago. I am still a milk and minerals man.
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Good to see you again 
Hey Im sorry you have this shitty anxiety. I can really relate to this. I dont know how to cope with my anxiety, sometimes I get that its âjustâ anxiety but most of the time Im sure I have a deathsentence and is about to die.
So at least youre not alone in this, I hope that can be somehow reassuring to know.
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Good to hear youâre feeling ok now 
yeah this kind of therapy can be tough. Hope it works for you in the long run 
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Hi Steve92. I believe that some people are warriors they just are navigating life in modern times without an axe in their hand and fire in their eyes. Thatâs what I see in your post. I am glad to see you are still in the battle and not giving up - lesser people have fallen for good under the weight of what you have dealt with.
The past is the past we cannot change it but we can accept it, learn from it and move forward. The path is forward. There are days I feel like Jon Snow looking out at that battlefield ready to take on whatever comes. It is an illusion that you are alone though. You are never alone.
You will need to start asking yourself some hard questions. You must (in my experience) become the master of your domain. You must learn to focus on what you can control, not what you cannot. You have great power but how to unlock it how to tap into it? âI just want to be able to cope with life and be a better person so I can hopefully live a fulfilling life for onceâ. This is your Why. Human beings we have a soul that is eternal and powerful. The human will is incredible. Sometimes we have to get out of our own way.
I think it is good you are asking for help in AA. I spent 20 years in and out of the rooms of AA. I call my higher power Jesus and have given my life over to him. Death was to be my portion as I had already suffered a spiritual and mental death there was only the physical death left to endure - the writing was on the wall. He left the other 99 sheep and came for me. âBehold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with meâ. - Revelation 3:20 I donât tell other people what to believe. I was atheist, then agnostic, then studied Buddhism before having a powerful spiritual awakening. Many things were revealed to me. The most important thing is to seek. Your life is in your hands. You are holding all the cards. Powerful beings are we. Ask yourself what is your purpose in life. It is Love right? This is the only logical conclusion. Now a path must be made. Suit up again and ride into battle like Saint George to face your dragon. Bring Love and Joy to yourself and others whenever possible. Avoid the Darkness of this world. Abandon these notions of men and women of the world of what is important in life. It will not matter how many attractive partners you had, or if men slapped you on the back and told you how great you are, or the accumulation of possessions. We are all going to leave this world as we came into it. One reason I follow Jesus is he died on the cross for me and three days later was resurrected. Everyone else has died and stayed dead. We will be no different. The things we think matter often donât. What matters is we pick up our sword and shield and charge forth because this is our story. Having been in the same position many times over those years, I find it freeing as there is only one way and that is up and through the cavern. There is great evil in the world tempting us at every turn, but there is also Light and Hope.
âThere is more in you of good than you know, child of the kindly West. Some courage and some wisdom, blended in measure. If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.â - J.R.R. Tolkien
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Wow thank you so much for taking the time to respond so kindly.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
Something i just havnt been able to grasp.
I feel like ive been a chamelion my whole life, changing the way i act according to the people around me.
I will definitely be reading this over and over again. Im really trying to stop living everyday in fear. Its so fucking exaughsting
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I hate when i talk about how anxious i get to people and they say âeveryone has anxietyâ and basically tell me.to get over it .
Its like my anxiety is on a whole different level. Its all consuming. It takes over every cell in my body and sometimes i cant do anything but pace around my house and lash out. The other week i smashed a hole in my wall because i felt like i was gonna explode out of my skin. Now i prob wont get my security deposit back on my apartment.
Its good to know theres others who go to the extremes in their minds like me. Thank you.
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I feel the same way, its like consuming every part and every minute. Of course I have some good days. So I totaly get it. I think people that never have experienced anxiety dont know what it actually is.
Much love 
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Yup. Best explanation i can give is imagine you were slipping on ice and just caught yourself in time to not fall. Its like that feeling between falling and catching your footing is constant.
Or having to slam on your breaks because someone blew a stop sign and they barely missed you That feeling of imminent danger is always present in my brain. 
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Do you have anxiety for something in particular? Something that trigger?
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My biggest anxiety is my health. I feel that i screwed myself up so much as a teenager thats theres literally no way im not going to develop some kind of cancer or disease at an early age.
This last stint of ER trips was because i felt this little lump in my neck and it ended up being a little inflamed lymphnode because i had just been a little sick. I was so freaked out when i felt that little bump that my arms went numb and i was constantly pacing around my house and when my wife told me to try and calm down i punched a hole in my wall. I wanted to drink SO bad that she convinced me to go to the ER to try and get some quick answers. If i would have drank i would have definitely ended up in detox cuz once i pop the fun dont stop lol
Then 2 days later i went to ER because i was spitting up some blood. Same feelings. Pacing around the house. Pulling my hair out. Feeling like my life is ending. Thinking i have lung cancer. Ended up not being anything serious. Dr chalked it up as my gums bleeding or a bloody nose that never made it out my nose and just kept swallowing it (gross sorry)
I get this pain in my left chest occasionally and have gone to the ER and gotten mutiple ekgs and chest xrays and end up being fine.
Oh and i get so anxious about GOING to the doctor and getting blood work, that i put it off for months/years at a time and just shove the worries in the attic until one day, i just lose it.
Then theres the everyday anxieties. Constantly thinking im going to get in a car crash when driving
Everytime i hear a low flying airplane, i feel that its going to just crash into my apartment or car
I can never hold a job for long due to my high anxiety
I had a solid job as a traveling slot machine technician but after about a year i got so paranoid about getting shot or robbed that i had a breakdown and just quit with no notice. I was maling good money 
I had another good job a few years back but then i got covid, i freaked out so bad that i ended up in an outpatient program.
Shit the list goes on but thanks for letting me put this on âpaperâ this will help me during my upcoming doctors appointment this Tuesday lol
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Its like reading about my self! I never meet someone with anxiety the way I have it, til now: you.
Both the health anxiety and the daily everyday anxiety. Im convinced that something is really wrong, I will die from it and that its my punishment for what I have done.
Im not happy you go trouhg this, but Im glad to see that someone els actually know whats it about.
Yesterday day I had like burp stuck in my throat and could not get it out, and you know the drill then. I get so panic, goes out to not scare the kids. Trying to burp, swallow make my self gag,everything. And then spitting blood. But Im still here
If something, feel free to send a text. Hope you get a good day
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Iâve never liked it when someone said something like, âJust get over it,â because, clearly, if people could just âget over itâ, they would. There is always a reason why there are some things that some people canât âjust get overâ, and why those particular things are an issue in the first place. Often these are born from subconscious drivers based on events that could be long forgotten by the conscious mind.
The healthiest thing to do would be to take however long it is needed to tease out the reasons why from the tangle of emotions. Telling someone to âjust get over itâ, in my opinion, encourages people to bury their emotions in an unhealthy way, and these things do not stay buriedâthey rise to the surface in often unrelated, and similarly unhealthy, ways.
There is always a reason we feel certain ways, even if we donât know what that is. I wish you the best in learning more about yourself and why you have the kinds of anxiety that you do so that you might be able to figure out ways to mitigate the ways it negatively impacts your life. The same for you, @Wakikki .
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Thanks for your reply. Im hoping to find a good psychiatrist here shortly that i can talk to on a regular basis. I think my dr appointment tomorrow should hopefully ease some worry. Im going to bring in a big list of my worries and also come back to this page incase i missed anything.
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Steve getting honest was the first step. I donât know what to say other than I am glad you are here . Life can be hard , we are all here with you and for you.
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Thanks glad your here too.
AA is good if you focus on the steps but unfortunately for meâŚitâs suppose to be anonymous and private. What is said in the room stays in the room, but I find that is not the case atleast for me. Everyone gossips about all the people and the things they are going through. People know your business and itâs a shame that things really canât be confidential. You have to be willing to give that up and I just canât. There are no such things as first names only. I need support and quite honestly donât know how to get it. I donât believe it delves back into childhood or some past experience although that might not be the same for others. I just need to end this awful addiction.
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This is pretty typical of people high in empathy traits as well as just overall not fitting in, having issues being a square block being forced into a circular hole etc. We can sense and feel the energy of those around us and too often we forsake what is best for ourselves. There is some type of calling you have that must be answered and you may even be what is commonly being referred to as a âChosen Oneâ or at least an âEmpath Warriorâ. At a very deep cellular and spiritual level we want to protect others, love others and be accepted as we are. When we war against that calling we are warring against ourselves. I would implore you to research these two topics. I only found peace when I came to terms with what I am, who I am, my role, my calling especially on a spiritual level. It is our humility and deception of the world that keeps us away from this calling. We often donât think we are âspecialâ or âenoughâ but you are enough you have to unlock your connection to your higher power (I call mine Jesus).
What we think is what we become.
âAnd we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.â - 1 John 4:16
There is a peace I wake up with every day I never found in the bottle. This world man it is full of darkness. The enemies of everything good have risen up and they are coming for you, me everyone and everything. The only question is which side will you join? Iâm not telling you you have to believe everything I do. Just know that God is Love, that he loves you. That he sent you as a Light Warrior to share that love with others. We read these mythologies⌠about Zeus and the gift of lightning bolts. It wasnât lightning man. He gave us Love. If you are leading with love for yourself and others everything else is falling into place. When we drink or use we are not being part of that love. Itâs just that simple. We know when we are doing right and when we are doing wrong. He will strengthen you if you ask.
âFear notâ is in the bible 365 times. Once you see it⌠how everything is connected⌠itâs just mind blowing man absolutely mind blowing.
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I feel this. John, thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to help me open my eyes a bit wider.
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Had to come back to this post because, i need to be honest
Havnt been to an AA meeting since this post. I was discouraged by the asshole of a sponsor i ended up getting.
I think its time for me to try other meetings or therapy or something, anything really. Ive really just been using this forum and the few people i message on here as a source of inspiration. AA can be beneficial but i havnt drank in over 5 years, i dont need people telling me its their way or the highway. Idk. Maybe im just being pessimistic right now. Not in the best mood. Im struggling with not smoking weed but i know its not good for my mental or physical health anymore. My mind has been so much clearer and i feel i can be myself more without thinking everyone is watching me and being paranoid all the time
weed really made me feel iscolated. I dont feel that as much now . Anyways, trying to hold myself accountable. Havnt been to any meetings. Still waiting on my next psychiatrist appointment. But honestly havnt gambled, smoked or acted out in any way in about a week. Feels good to just keep laying it all out there.
Anyways
This was a random rant that i feel like i needed. And its on my own post so hopefully i am not being a pest lol just so many things going through my head
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