I reached my personal rock bottom this weekend

Today is nearly the end of my day 2 clean and sober. I know it is not that much. In fact, I have done many 2-5 days clean and sober throughout this last year but never with intention to quit for good. But it is different this time.

I believe that my alcohol misuse began approximately 4 years ago, although I started to acknowledge it properly in the last 2 years. I began to think that I am drinking “too much” and that the solution for me would be to reduce my alcohol consumption. And I believed that I could do it. “If only I could drink on weekends and stay sober on weekdays!” It did work some weeks: but on those weeks I would still drink a bottle of wine on Friday, and probably on Saturday too, meaning that whole weekend I would be drunk or hungover, and the time would be pretty much wasted doing nothing. But mostly I still drank during the working week as well, and would justify it in the most stupid way - weather is nice, working day went really well, or meeting a friend for dinner etc. therefore majority of the weeks I would drink a bottle of wine on Friday, probably Saturday as well, and also once in the middle of the week, usually Wednesday or Thursday. That would result in at least three unproductive evenings where all I do is drink a bottle of wine, and at least three unproductive hungover days following drinking days, where I not only would barely be able to perform the job that I love and take pride in, but even struggle to get out of bed and look after my own basic needs, and would not do anything valuable at all with my time. In addition to that, approximately three years ago I started taking cocaine on a rather regular basis. Every time I would meet my wider social circle, we would drink into the night, then someone would order cocaine, and I would most definitely join in. I would do it on average two weekends a month, where we would spend a whole weekend drinking and snorting cocaine.

My issue was that I believed that I am in control up until last weekend. I was living in an illusion that I have created in my mind, I believed that I can stop whenever I want to. I failed to recognise that in fact, I tried to reduce my drinking and drug taking multiple times throughout these years, but it never worked. I excused myself by thinking that there were “good enough” reasons such as special celebrations, good weather, holidays etc. which are responsible for my inability to reduce/quit drinking because otherwise I, of course, would succeed. I failed to acknowledge my ever increasing misuse of these substances, or worsening of hangovers. I refused to see how my productivity, motivation and intelligence is affected, how I am taking on less responsibility and becoming less efficient at work, becoming deactivated, weaker, slower, sicker.

Last weekend was my personal rock bottom. Following at least a year of trying to actively “reduce drinking and cocaine consumption” with no success, I have got to a point of being really angry with myself. I thought that if I really am in control, then I either attend this social event and I have only few drinks, then take Uber home at a reasonable time without doing cocaine, or I will acknowledge that I do, in fact, have a problem, and then do something about it. I ended up drinking and doing cocaine that whole weekend. I went home with the most horrible withdrawal, severe anxiety and self-hatred. While withdrawing I self-referred to one of the recovery organisations in the area. It was like a wake up call - I could suddenly see that I am not in control, and that I never really was. For the very first time I really saw that I must quit, that I am ruining my life, that I am gaining absolutely nothing from this lifestyle that I have been leading, apart from slowly ruining my health, my career, and my relationships.

I am on day 2 today. It is a little scary, and yet weirdly liberating, to accept that I will not drink again. But I am reading everything that I can on the subject, I have accessed support from specialised recovery organisations, and I have signed up for SMART recovery meetings. I am atheist/agnostic, so AA did not appeal to me. I am trying to reframe the idea of sobriety in my mind as being this wonderful exciting thing, rather than me missing out on fun things in life. Learning to be happy about never having to drink again.

I am grateful to have found this forum. I have spent a lot of time on and off here in the last 60 hours, and I have found additional strength and motivation here, and I would like to thank you all. I am grateful to be part of all of your journeys, and having you be part of mine. I also hope that I can quit once, this first time :two_hearts: :pray:


Welcome and I’m glad ur here! Many of us including myself have tried to moderate our drinking and using, which has never worked. I myself can’t even have 1 of anything bcuz as soon as I put any alcohol or drug into my system, that addictive thinking (addictive voice which I have given a name lol), rears it’s ugly head and I can’t stop. I dont stop until something forces me to stop basically. And this was a pattern for 22 years on n off. Drugs have destroyed my life numerous ways over the years. But today I have 133 days! My DOC (drug of choice) was crack cocaine this time around and I struggled to get past 3 days. Stay close to supports and focus on not picking up for today (the next 24 hours)… that’s it. Don’t think too much about the future bcuz I found that it creates anxiety in me. Reach out BEFORE u use or drink. Let people help u to get thru that urge. Wishing u all the best!


I am also on day two, my story mirrors yours, we can do this together :heavy_heart_exclamation:


I’m so glad you are here. You hit rock bottom? The only direction left is up. Keep your enthusiasm for recovery. You will find a lot of support here. I’m adding a link to a topic that might help you. Ah, I see you already found it :joy: My bad. Lol


Welcome Sofia. Congrats on day 2 and recognizing you have a problem. I found, for me, having an open mind to what works for other people could work for me and my recovery. Because I wanted what they had. Serenity, and a life free from addiction.
Have a good read around.


After 22yrs of drinking, not touched a drink in 4 months. It’s usually that naughty little excuse that gets us. It’ll just be one, I’ve had an awesome day, I’ve had an awful day, I’ve completed that project. Then the delusion that I’m in control, I can quit anytime. The amount of time and money I wasted on drinking, recovering, being hungover and unproductive is mind boggling. The drinking ‘friends’ were not all that when I think about it and I can’t remember even 1 investment, idea or useful thing I gained from it. Just, losses all around. It helped when I stopped trying to reduce or control my drinking and switched to ‘what can I do with the time and money I’d have spent drinking’. A lot of good has resulted. I also avoid thinking about alcohol, it often starts with just 1 persistent thought that we entertain and allow to linger…


The first step is truly understanding you have a problem, the denial keeps you locked in the cycle. I am sure that is common for SMART too, though I know about AA better. Sounds like you are there. I related to much of your post, the excuses, the reducing quality of my life. I also read and tried lots of things in the early days. Just keep going until you hit a balance that works for you. :purple_heart:


Congratulations!! I know you can overcome this!! One of the things I struggle with is fomo- fear of missing out. I do acknowledge the atmosphere can be fun but the results are truly horrible. I can say with absolute authority, nothing good has resulted from my drinking alcohol!! NOTHING!! Only bad things. I also realize and working on coming to accept the truth that many of the “friends” I made at the bars are not friends. The ONLY thing we have in common is drinking!! Outside of that they could care less about me or my health and life!! I just found this site and am happy to have a safe place to find support and encouragement on this journey!!


I totally relate with that twisted little voice that checks in just at the end of ‘1 of anything’. Once it’s in the system, it’s like something else takes over and you go from meaning to be home in 1 hour before dark, to arriving NEXT DAY at 2pm. And the ‘voice’ keeps urging you on until you literally have to go home because you’ve run out of cash, the bar has to close, you’re needed somewhere etc. Then you’re all alone nursing a terrible hangover. A beast indeed.


Congratulations and welcome here ! Let’s rise, all together! :metal:t2:

Yes, it is. The good news is the longer you are clean and sober, the less scary and more liberating it becomes. Less bad. More good. What’s not to like about this?