Today is nearly the end of my day 2 clean and sober. I know it is not that much. In fact, I have done many 2-5 days clean and sober throughout this last year but never with intention to quit for good. But it is different this time.
I believe that my alcohol misuse began approximately 4 years ago, although I started to acknowledge it properly in the last 2 years. I began to think that I am drinking ātoo muchā and that the solution for me would be to reduce my alcohol consumption. And I believed that I could do it. āIf only I could drink on weekends and stay sober on weekdays!ā It did work some weeks: but on those weeks I would still drink a bottle of wine on Friday, and probably on Saturday too, meaning that whole weekend I would be drunk or hungover, and the time would be pretty much wasted doing nothing. But mostly I still drank during the working week as well, and would justify it in the most stupid way - weather is nice, working day went really well, or meeting a friend for dinner etc. therefore majority of the weeks I would drink a bottle of wine on Friday, probably Saturday as well, and also once in the middle of the week, usually Wednesday or Thursday. That would result in at least three unproductive evenings where all I do is drink a bottle of wine, and at least three unproductive hungover days following drinking days, where I not only would barely be able to perform the job that I love and take pride in, but even struggle to get out of bed and look after my own basic needs, and would not do anything valuable at all with my time. In addition to that, approximately three years ago I started taking cocaine on a rather regular basis. Every time I would meet my wider social circle, we would drink into the night, then someone would order cocaine, and I would most definitely join in. I would do it on average two weekends a month, where we would spend a whole weekend drinking and snorting cocaine.
My issue was that I believed that I am in control up until last weekend. I was living in an illusion that I have created in my mind, I believed that I can stop whenever I want to. I failed to recognise that in fact, I tried to reduce my drinking and drug taking multiple times throughout these years, but it never worked. I excused myself by thinking that there were āgood enoughā reasons such as special celebrations, good weather, holidays etc. which are responsible for my inability to reduce/quit drinking because otherwise I, of course, would succeed. I failed to acknowledge my ever increasing misuse of these substances, or worsening of hangovers. I refused to see how my productivity, motivation and intelligence is affected, how I am taking on less responsibility and becoming less efficient at work, becoming deactivated, weaker, slower, sicker.
Last weekend was my personal rock bottom. Following at least a year of trying to actively āreduce drinking and cocaine consumptionā with no success, I have got to a point of being really angry with myself. I thought that if I really am in control, then I either attend this social event and I have only few drinks, then take Uber home at a reasonable time without doing cocaine, or I will acknowledge that I do, in fact, have a problem, and then do something about it. I ended up drinking and doing cocaine that whole weekend. I went home with the most horrible withdrawal, severe anxiety and self-hatred. While withdrawing I self-referred to one of the recovery organisations in the area. It was like a wake up call - I could suddenly see that I am not in control, and that I never really was. For the very first time I really saw that I must quit, that I am ruining my life, that I am gaining absolutely nothing from this lifestyle that I have been leading, apart from slowly ruining my health, my career, and my relationships.
I am on day 2 today. It is a little scary, and yet weirdly liberating, to accept that I will not drink again. But I am reading everything that I can on the subject, I have accessed support from specialised recovery organisations, and I have signed up for SMART recovery meetings. I am atheist/agnostic, so AA did not appeal to me. I am trying to reframe the idea of sobriety in my mind as being this wonderful exciting thing, rather than me missing out on fun things in life. Learning to be happy about never having to drink again.
I am grateful to have found this forum. I have spent a lot of time on and off here in the last 60 hours, and I have found additional strength and motivation here, and I would like to thank you all. I am grateful to be part of all of your journeys, and having you be part of mine. I also hope that I can quit once, this first time 
My bad. Lol
