I lasted ten days and then got paid and as soon as I had spare cash I went straight into a binge. I’ve had 15 bottles of wine and 20 cans of Carlsberg over the last 7 days. I’ve hurt my family, upset them, I’ve caused trouble and this morning my Mom cried begging me to stop because she’s so upset while I said sorry and went to Tesco (supermarket) and bought another 16 beers. I cannot go on like this, I’m getting worse every time and I don’t know how to get out of this cycle
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The only bit of drinking youl ever be able to control is not having that first one Gaz, how about when ur struggling you come on here BEFORE you pick up?
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I know that. I know that voice in my head, pushing those cravings I know they only bring me down. I’m in such a bad place right now
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It can be ok, you can make it ok…you have all of us here to lean on…we all understand what this is like… where are u at now are u drinking right now?
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And what’s worse this time is that I didn’t really have an issue or something I could use as an excuse to drink. I’ve just drank and as a result I’ve caused more trouble for me
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You drank because you are an addict… what have u been doing to stay sober? U cant just white knuckle for 10 days or not drink because your skint and not do anything else to stay sober youve got to work on it…
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Honestly it’s everyone around me, everyone drinks, everything revolves around drinking. I live in Ireland, finish a day’s work, go to the pub, something good happens everyone goes to the pub. When I try stay sober everyone around me tells me I just need a break from drinking and I’ll be okay. When I give up I almost feel bullied by friends and family because I’m not drinking but once I start I can’t stop. It turns into days and days
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I guess a lot of alcoholics went through the same thing. Not that it’s necessary, mind you. I did, though. At the end, I really can’t say why nor how the sobriety “stuck”. I could say that I’ve hit the rock bottom, but I could also say that many rock bottoms or, depending on the point of view, that there are far worse f…… up situations I didn’t find myself in. But, at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter.
I don’t know how old you are nor for how long have you been drinking. The only thing I can say is that, unfortunately - or not - when you decide to quit, you won’t do it for your mom’s sake and neither to spare your family the grief and worry. You’ll do it for yourself.
I suppose that right now you think you don’t deserve it and that you are incapable to stop. You do deserve a happy life, no matter how you feel about it now. The anxiety, the shame, the sense of helplessness are there, now. Once sober, these feelings will fade away. Not entirely, perhaps. You won’t forget who you were when you were drinking. I didn’t and wouldn’t want it any other way. It was a part of my life and it is a reminder of what a despicable person I’ve been. A reminder of what that poison did to me. To all of us.
Now, if you really feel that you can’t do it by yourself, seek help. Immediately. As soon as possible. Do WHATEVER it takes to prevent you from drinking during the first weeks. However extreme. Rid yourself of all the booze - without the “well, now that I started, I might as well finish it”. Don’t carry a penny more than necessary. Hell, make your family lock you in the house. You’ll sober up and find help.
Believe me, it can be done.
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Thank you, I do feel I’m constantly in that mindset that once I start I won’t stop and I’ll always find a reason to justify it during and after. I really wanna stop I don’t want to hurt anyone I just want to stop
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Believe me, I KNOW how you feel. I’ve had blackouts, times I felt I was about to die; I’ve found every excuse just to keep drinking. I felt anxious seeing a bottle of vodka 1/3 full and knew I “had to” go out - drunk as I was - to buy more. My mother has seen or heard me drunk loads of times. My son too. At the time he didn’t know what was wrong with me - he was just a small kid and used to say “Mommy is strange again.” - but he witnessed some of my drama (I can’t imagine how he must have felt, especially when it happened while we were alone and he didn’t have his grandma near and even when we were at our home, and I was acting like a monster, he still wouldn’t leave me).
Nevertheless, I didn’t stop for a good while.
I guess you have some support. You surely have people who love you. It’s you who hate and despise yourself and it’s you who is convinced and continue on convincing yourself that you’re unable to do it. You’re not. Now, in these first days/weeks you “only” need to resist taking that first drink. And never, EVER let your alcohol-rewired brain convince you that you can control the drinking.
Anyway, what has alcohol given you during the past months/years? An illusion of self confidence and fun and looooads of pain and suffering.
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There was a point in my life where i couldn’t stop drinking and drugging. It was easy to blame all the things around me for my plight.
Eventually I took responsibility for my life and checked myself back into rehab (third time). Once I got out I started going to AA twice a day usually as well as doing IOP. I started counseling and even moved into a sober living facility (which I said I’d never do). I got a sponsor and started doing step work. I made sobriety my priority and have never had to pick up a drink again.
You claim you don’t know how to stop? Well I just laid out a plan that is pretty much a guarantee to work if you actually put in the work.
And before give me the excuse about not being able to do rehab because of a job and family just remember that if you drink long enough you’ll lose both of those things, and more.
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Can you pray?
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Im north east England the drinking culture is the same, everything revolves around drinking here too… when your immersed in that world you think theres no alternative but there is…you can carve out a life where its not about drinking but to do that youve got to be completely honest with everyone around u and stay away from booze for a good while until u get more solid in your sobriety…stay away from those who dont and wont understand your struggle with drinking and get to work on your sobriety…youve got to be determined about it and have it your top priority and anyone and everything that could threaten it is out, nobody can do it for u but uve got us for support
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I used to think that everyone drank. When I put myself in the middle of people who did not drink at AA, I was better able to separate what “everyone” said from what I told myself and what I interpreted from them.
Being sober starts with not drinking from the time I wake up until I go to sleep. You can do many different things to make that happen. You can get help from a detox/rehabilitation place to get started, you can go to AA in person and online, you can see your doctor for medications. But you have to be the one to take action.
Turns out that going into zombie mode, going out to buy more alcohol, only feels easier in the fleeting moment. The pound of flesh and soul that is extracted as the price is crushing. It’s effortful and tiring and embarrassing maybe to go to an AA meeting instead, but I’ve yet to go to a meeting and regret it the next day.
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I had a bit of a roller-coaster of a night. I ended up attempting to hurt myself and thankfully I was stopped. I’m sober today. Haven’t drank since last night and have no plans to drink again. I have a local meeting tomorrow evening in my town and I’m going to try get an appointment with my GP and get a referral for the addiction services on my town too. I’m going through the withdrawals today and probably for the next few days. I’ve been here before and I know I can get through the first few days.
I know now that I need to get extra help as going it alone without meetings or counselling will just end in yet another relapse. Thank you all for your comments and stories, I’ve read them all and understand. I know I want to stop, I know I need help.
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I understand that desperate feeling ive been there too…im glad you are still with us and made it through. We definitely cant do it alone thats for sure…i feel like its kinda your duty in recovery to not try and go it alone and to reach out for help whenever you need to…so please keep talking. This place was what made the difference to me and i hope it can be for you…its beginning to be life and death stuff here so do whatever u have to to get yourself better
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Try a meeting might help wish you well
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Start of my day 2 again. Woke up feeling very groggy which I expected. Once I get a good long sleep after day 1 my body and brain obviously needs it. I’ve got some multivitamins to take now in the morning and I have some Thiamin too which is the B vitamins.
Today will be a good day as there is a meeting on locally. There’s also online meetings held locally too I’ve found which also could be a good option. I’m just taking it day by day again.
I have zero excuses to have a drink and a million and one not to. Thanks for everyone’s comments again. I keep reading and reading as much as I can and I have made it so I do check in everyday and even when I get the feeling of I’m doing okay and can relax a bit that I will still always check in and check in sober.
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Hope the meeting goes well Gaz 
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Gaz, you’ve got a humble and determined attitude today. Awesome. Sounds like you have a good plan in place. Please update us daily on how you’re going. I love journalling on here.
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