There is so much for me to say that Im afraid I wont be able to express it all so I wanted to keep it concise. I did drugs, acid specifically. My entire family knows I relapsed now. At the same time this was all happening my friend came by and he was in the middle of his own panic attack. He was behaving very strangely. Like almost got us into a car wreck. so it COULDNT have been the acid. Anyway cut that short, I got a phone call from my mom and my sick grandpa was sounding like he was dying to me and his anxiety doubled up my anxiety and I could have sworn he was giving me his dying words. Well he turned out to be fine…his medicines just been making him act up lately. And I got the whole family freaked out over nothing. My beloved ex was there for me. I miss her very much but she kept me strong throughout. Im very grateful I have that friend in my life. I think I might have changed my religious beliefs today too but am quite unsure as of yet. Amyway this has been a lot for me to process. I am NOT looking forward tot he conversation tomorrow with my family. Im also NOT looking forward to the alternative of them ignoring it like it didnt happen. So I guess theres no winning there huh? Please just make this go away. I will deal with my sobriety but please just make this part of it go away.
I made mistakes today. Im very ashamed of it. But Im going to be sober again, I will try my best. Thank you for reading this, you all mean so much.
Thanks @BlazingPegasus, you mean lot to us too. Addiction is so hard. And for most of us, it takes a lot of stumbling and falling before we learn to walk in sobriety and recovery. You’ve come a long way. You’ll get through this. We’re all rooting for you. Thanks for sharing.
@KevinesKay thank you very much brother, I really appreciate you - you’ve been incredibly encouraging and kind to me since I’ve been here.
I’ll be honest with you man…even though I had a horrible experience, Im thinking of doing acid again this time away from people that might cause me anxiety. But Im also struggling to fight the urge too. Im not sure what I will do.
It is time to put your sobriety first! There’s a difference between sobriety and recovery though. At first focus on staying clean but then you need to work on recovery! I hope you decide not to use again. But if you let your mind sway in the wind you know which will win so decide just for this moment I will NOT use. Good luck and stay strong
@Chad_R thank you Chad. What is the difference between sobriety and recovery? For the moment I will NOT use but I don’t feel like I can trust myself anymore after telling myself Id go sober yesterday and now Im going back and forward between using.
@BlazingPegasus, How bad do you want This? Maybe your not ready or well to foo the work? It seems to me you are plaining your next failure before it happens! Maybe you need to go back and read what your typing and think about it as you read it. I am not trying to be hard just honest. Staying clean and sober is HARD and requires HARD WORK and someone willing to put in the time. It’s not like going to jail, no one’s going to hold a gun to your head and make you NOT USE, do you understand. You have to want it in your GUT. And reading your post I see a bunch of excuses…, I will pray to my higher power for you. You need to pray for guidance to your higher power whatever it might be as well
@BlazingPegasus, You need to check in to a detox and From there straight to rehab. No questions asked, weakness is an excuse… for not wanting or not losing everything.. not hitting bottom.. Alcohol the worse of all drugs to come off of… you can do this if there a will there’s a way!
@lizak I am thinking about rehab but I cant take off 30 days of work…I dont know what might happen to my job and I need my job. Also my problem is with any mind altering substance (weed, acid, mushrooms etc) but I dont have an alcohol issue - im not physically dependant but I am mentally it seems like.
The truth is, if you continue to use, you may lose your job anyway. I agree with @lizak it seems like you aren’t ready. It is hard, and you have to work and really want it.
Instead of using mind altering drugs alter you mind. There’s a myriad resources on this forum and elsewhere. Read and put them into action.
Addiction can be managed. But it needs working on.
Yup…big difference between just not consuming and getting sober. There’s a lot of work to do, and this site if over flowing with ideas.
Have to agree with the others on this in that I’m concerned you may use this forum to support your relapses as opposed to your recovery EFFORTS.
Have you tried the SMART recovery worksheets? Bought the workbook? Gone to an NA meeting or even looked to see when’re and when they have meetings near you?
It would be great to see you contributing posts about the things you are putting into action and learning about addiction and recovery. Indont think it’s healthy to just seek acceptance or comfort after having used…at the very lest it’s fair to say that that’s not maximizing what you can get out of this community.
@BlazingPegasus. As most everyone has pointed out. Recovery is the part where you do the work. But I’m here to say that the work is so worth it! You start to slowly change your life becomes yours again. It’s not going to happen over night. Hell it will take the rest of your life. As far as work here are some I do: I read my big book (for you the NA). I start the day reading daily reflections and 24 hours. I take the time for reflection first thing in the morning. I open a conversation with my higher power ask for his guidance. I walk in Nature almost everyday a meager 2 miles but it is for me to clear my mind. I attend AA 3 times week (we only have 3 meetings a week or I’d go more). I went to rehab and made some amazing friends I check in with them on them daily. If I feel weak I am checking this board or I’m calling a sober friend. I truly think that if you can find a few friends that you can just talk about life with it helps. A couple of times a month I travel to see a group of friends. I’m constantly finding new sober friends. I’m not consumed with the urge to drink. For me working the steps has given me (or at least starting to) the ability to live life on life’s terms. I had to get rid of my negative thoughts I had to forgive myself. Most of everything I said I do was not easy at first but now I look forward to it all. I know I’m changing for the better I feel it! There are some on here that work much harder on themselves that I do and it’s inspiring to read their advice. But you have to make up your mind to quit for you! Then find a process that works for you. It may not be the same as mine but if you are committed you’ll find what starts to work for you and then add to it. I’m sorry if I’m coming off as judgmental I’m trying not to buttttt I’m not going to tell you that this shit is easy. I’m sure you can do it but you have to put effort into it. You can’t passively get recovery.
Okay the difference between sobriety and recovery in my eyes. Sobriety is just not using. Recovery is the part described above but it’s the part you find happiness! I could quit for a few months before at a time but I was miserable. Not this time I’m enjoying life it has so much I was to blind to see before.
If you want more resources just ask there is a lot of recovery knowledge on this board and I’m the weak link there but I’ll tag the ones I know that can give you links to resources. We are here for you.
Hallucinogens can have a positive or negative effect on your mental health. While it’s debatable, I have had friends who have developed addictions and desensitization to them. I believe in the use of psychedelics in therapy and mental health uses but only under very specific circumstances. While it’s not a physical dependence, it’s an emotional that can take over your life and how you function.
Id say if you do decide to use again, be aware of your mind state and intentions- I view psychedelics as sacred and releasing/discovering drugs. You can’t blanket your problems. Obviously you had an unexpected experience, I would be kicking myself in the head if anything were to happen to a family member and I was high! Luckily things worked out, but I would be open and honest about what your intentions were in the moment. You’re obviously aware of what you did wrong and have learned from it- during and directly after! I’ve been in stressful and frightening situations while under the influence (driving) and it’s always best to trust your gut and say something!
Whatever you did last night, I hope you put your best intentions into it. being clear headed and not foggy has created a totally different high for me. I stopped doing hallucinogens over a year ago because i felt that they were not giving me any answers and made me uncomfortable. The high that comes naturally through meditation, yoga, xi gong, energy work etc. you might want to look into. Try higher vibration living! I know it sounds hokey, but the hippies all moved away from drugs and into spiritual healing for a reason!
@Decided thank you for the lovely quote. I have tried NA for 60 days and remained sober for that time but I was starting to get miserable over the habit of doing it. I haven’t tried SMART before do you say it is effective? I understand what you mean about seeking acceptance after using, that is what I was unknowingly doing.
@Chad_R I don’t have very many friends much less sober friends. I even had a hard time making ONE friend or even acquaintance or even a familiar face in the 60 days I went to NA. Thank you for the kinds words. I don’t know if I have it in me to do the work nor do I know if the work would actually even do it for me. I feel utterly powerless right now, I do not feel in control of myself. It is as if someone else is controlling my body at times. I’m a bit anti social and have a hard time meeting people. I don’t know, I would like to stop this crap because I care about my health but I don’t want to stop because it is the only thing keeping me happy right now
@Livy Despite the bad experience I felt like I might have learned some things with the acid. I am considering doing it again but I’m not sure. Right now Im kind of hooked on E a little bit. I didn’t have the best intentions to use acid but I might next time if there even is a next time, which I’m not sure about. Being clear headed just makes the depressive voice in my head louder and louder. Meditation hasn’t done much for me. What is higher vibration living? I don’t really believe in spiritual stuff.
Wow your most deff rite!! I’m 92 days sober & have not gone 2 a meeting yet! Don’t get me wrong I’m DEFF wrkin on myself…positive attitude, being 100% honest, being a new better person!! I kinda feel like HOW I got sober I cheated with goin to jail for 2 months!! But hey I’m sober so that’s kinda all that matters rite? Sorry @BlazingPegasus I’m sitting here jus talking bout myself!! he jus opened my eyes that’s all!! But yea hun listen to these people, they know what there talking about!! I’m sober, but scared to really give advice cause I don’t know much about this recovery even tho I’m on the journey myself!! Idk how you feel, but I DO know when peop used to tell me that I wasn’t ready, or that if I didn’t wanna change I must not of went threw enough pain or hit rock bottom, that it used to honestly piss me off!!! I had but rock bottom, time & time again! And was so depressed & miserable that I jus honesty didn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel!! But after being sober got awhile I realized all the happiness I had been missing out on ALL these yrs!!! Not only had I been blocking/numbing my pain & all the bad feelings, but had also been blocking my happiness & even all the good traits of my personality that I didn’t even think I had any more!! Sorry to go on & make this sp long, but u will DEFF be in my prayers!! Jus hold on a lil longer, then a lil more, then a lil more!! Deep down u must not REALLY wanna get high, otherwise u wouldn’t even be contemplating it rite?? But hold on hun, if u can resist the urges like u have been doing, it’ll be soooooooooo worth it I promise you!!!
@lizak very true @dabritish1 Deep down I really don’t want to get high, you are right. Today was my first fully clean day in about a week, thank you for the kind words. I hope you’re right and that I’ve been blocking true happiness. I guess I will see. Best of luck to you, 92 is a long time. You could have stopped after you got out of jail but you didn’t and that is something to be proud of.
, I will pray to my higher power for you. You need to pray for guidance to your higher power whatever it might be as well 
he jus opened my eyes that’s all!! But yea hun listen to these people, they know what there talking about!! I’m sober, but scared to really give advice cause I don’t know much about this recovery even tho I’m on the journey myself!! Idk how you feel, but I DO know when peop used to tell me that I wasn’t ready, or that if I didn’t wanna change I must not of went threw enough pain or hit rock bottom, that it used to honestly piss me off!!! I had but rock bottom, time & time again! And was so depressed & miserable that I jus honesty didn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel!! But after being sober got awhile I realized all the happiness I had been missing out on ALL these yrs!!! Not only had I been blocking/numbing my pain & all the bad feelings, but had also been blocking my happiness & even all the good traits of my personality that I didn’t even think I had any more!! Sorry to go on & make this sp long, but u will DEFF be in my prayers!! Jus hold on a lil longer, then a lil more, then a lil more!! Deep down u must not REALLY wanna get high, otherwise u wouldn’t even be contemplating it rite?? But hold on hun, if u can resist the urges like u have been doing, it’ll be soooooooooo worth it I promise you!!! 