So I have been contemplating on this for a while, and I believe my trigger is my husband. So we have been married for five years, and while it has been extremely rewarding, I feel like it has also been a challenge. Maybe this is in my head but I really need advice because I started crying in one of my classes today.
So to give a little backstory, I grew up with my dad. My mom wasn’t exactly the ideal parent so the court gave custody to my dad. My dad was the ideal man, he was nice, kind, compassionate, and disciplinary when he needed to be. Never to the point where me and my sister was scared of him, but to the point where we knew if we got in trouble what the consequences would be lol.
Anyway, he would never refuse my mom the right for us to come and visit her during the summer, regardless of court. I hated going over to her house. Not only did she make me feel like the unwelcomed and problem child, I was constantly sexually molested at her house by my older brother. The molestation goes back as far as I can remember. Anyway, I never told my dad this because I felt this need to protect him (strange, I know). I never seeked professional help and I think growing up I sort of felt obligated to let guys do what they want to me.
Fast forward to life today and I still have problems telling my husband what I like in bed. I thought I was over it but this class that I am taking proved to me that I’m not. I was crying last night thinking about it and today my husband completely went off on me, saying “fuck you” and other stuff, so after I explained why I was crying, he didn’t apologize, acknowledge it, or anything. He just went into the other room and said he was trying to “chill”. He always does stuff like this. I’m so pissed and hurt at the same time idk what to do. I feel like this is the root of my alcohol addiction and don’t know what to do. Any advice?
You said some terrible things that you have gone thru in your life. Things a lot worse than your husband saying fuck you in my opinion. Now I’m just going off what you posted. Do you think maybe that it would be easier to think it’s your hubby that is triggering you more than the other things from your childhood?
Maybe. I think I am just now starting to realize that this has affected me in ways that I never even thought could happen. I feel angry that he doesn’t even want to listen or attempt to see how I feel. But at the same time that makes me feel selfish. It angers me so much that I am tearing up as I write this because I just don’t know. And I don’t see myself as a weak person. It doesn’t help that I feel like I do everything in our relationship. When he gets mad I take over and fix everything, no matter how big or small, but when I get mad he makes no effort to comfort me. But he also doesn’t do anything to make it worse. I feel like maybe I need counseling but don’t know where to start
Sounds like there is some recent and past trauma. But to put the addiction on anyone is probably to far. Trigger yes. But in my opinion my addiction is 100% on me. My lack of being capable of dealing with life on life’s terms. Now do people play a part in this probably so. But I have to own it now. Now to be treated like your husband did is pathetic and he needs a time out😜. Really there is no excuse for treating a person like that but I’m going to suggest to you that it’s a boundary/respect issue. You are very new to recovery and your feelings are raw and all over the board. So I am guessing that he is struggling to figure it out too. But be patient with yourself and others but don’t be a doormat.
I feel that you are absolutely right. Even trying to talk to him now he keeps saying he has nothing to say. My addiction is my problem because that’s how I chose to get over the pain. It really isn’t fair to blame him for it. I’m so frustrated.
All of us will tell you what you are experiencing is SO normal. When is the last time you felt anything without some liquid novacain for those emotions. The good thing is they do level out. Or we learn to feel them. Hang in there. It’s a battle and it’s bumpy at best. I am at 9 months and I still have moments but I accept them and move on. We are here when you feel overwhelmed.
Like Chad said, these feelings are normal. When we decide to quit drinking our emotions spike up like crazy. Most of us drank to mask these emotions for a long time. We take the alcohol away and all the sudden we are bombarded with all this shit we used to cover up with booze. It does help to talk to someone. Talking about it here helps too.
Have you thought about a meeting? There’s people like you there. They understand because they have been there. It’s hard for someone that’s not an alcoholic to understand. They can’t really get it. There’s AA of course. I can vouge for it😉 People also talk about SMART recovery or Women for Sobriety.
As far as other counseling, I went to the “mega” church in my area. They had a counseling department. It was cheaper than anywhere else and I found an amazing counselor there. He saved my marriage, no joke. And you DONT have to attend the church or even be Christian.
To clarify a little my husband knew about the sexual abuse before we got married, so he knows why I don’t acknowledge my brother. But today his behavior really got to me more than usual. Normally I shrug it off or attempt to talk about it, but I also think he has some underlying problems he needs to face too. His grown up tempure tantrums are not healthy for our kids, and he forces his insecurities down my throat to the point where I walk on eggshells from sunrise to sunset. I don’t know how much longer emotionally I can take especially if he thinks he can “rinse/repeat”, meaning it’s ok for him to act out as long as he apologizes. I have mentioned counseling to him and he insists that it’s everyone around him causing him to fly off the handle. Please someone give me some advice from a mature standpoint. This does not help my drinking at all
Hi Nicki, i’m not an expert but am wanting to help, i’ve been in his position before where it feels everythings out to get me but for me its when im stressed out with something i cant shift. Counselling can help but even just finding someone to talk to, be open with, or to help fix the problem, and get an idea of how he wants things to be like. He maybe doesnt want to open up because whats going through his mind right now might hurt you. You need to be a stronger person also even though thats easier said than done. You may also consider confronting your brother about your past, if you feel its safe, otherwise focus on what you have now that makes you strong and remember we’re all here for you to have a happier sober life. Take care
Thanks. I don’t think I’m ready to confront him but I will work on forgiving him. I just don’t see it being possible now, especially since he has no signs of remorse. Just talking about it helps, especially with someone who has been in a similar situation
There may come a time in your sobriety where forgiving you brother will help you. In my opinion that time is not now. Not so early in your recovery. Right now you can start thinking about forgiving yourself. How and what you forgive is all up to you. Only you know what that means.
As far as your hub, it sounds like he is projecting. It’s everyone’s fault but his eh? I used to think that way too. Counseling and AA helped me. Like @Keith_McCormick said, it will help him to talk to someone. Maybe suggesting it that way to your hub will help. In a very non confrontational way. Like “it may help with your stress to talk to someone honey”. It would be best to reco men this while you guys are NOT fighting
Relationships with loved ones are very strained in early stages of sobriety.
At one point i thought my wife was the most irritating person i had ever met.
Then as you remain sober you can look back with a clearer head and realize your brain is going through changes… it is going crazy normalizing itself again…
What im saying is dont be too hasty pinning this on your husband. All the best.
Relationships can certainly be triggers. In safe, loving, healthy relationships, they can also be opportunities to work out our past traumas. You need to evaluate if this relationship is a healthy and safe place for you to work out your addiction and sexual trauma issues, or if you will make more progress outside of it. It sounds to me like your husband needs to respond with some care to you. As someone with sexual trauma myself, I know the struggle of trying to work yourself out as a survivor of abuse with a partner. They can’t fix you, though. Unfortunately, they can only be there to support and you’re the one who has to do the hard work of healing, resolving, and relearning a relationship to sex.
you should look into alanon, if you haven’t already. It won’t change his behavior, but how you react and how much you tolerate. I’ve been going, but am just starting to actually join the program and complete the steps. I’m feeling much better about the future, even though I too walk on eggshells all day.
That’s cool to hear! There’s not much info on AlAnon on this site. Not many people have posted about it. Maybe you could change that Lol. It be nice to hear your expirience
Oh honey. To say you’ve endured a lot is an understatement.
What you need is confidence and power. When you are treated wrongly, demoralized, you forget your inherent strength.
Honey, within a few minutes of waking each day start proclaiming what you’re grateful for. … toothbrush, car, hardwood floors. … anything you can think of seratonin levels in your brain increase when you are grateful.
Your hubby will benefit from this as well.
If I was your husband I’d certainly be ‘having a word or two’ with your brother and, as a FUNDAMENTAL of marriage is to talk things through together and work them out, I certainly wouldn’t be acting like an 8-year old running from room to room saying ‘not listening!’ With my fingers in my ears.
‘Flying off the handle, temper tanntrums’ - boy, he’s some catch!
You’ve had an awfully tough childhood, don’t willingly allow your adult life to become as tough by giving your husband a free pass to be a twat.
I doubt anyone has ever said “My life is perfect and I am really well adjusted. I think I will start drinking to excess and develop a habit”
We often drink to numb pain we can’t deal with. It’s understandable. And there’s definately no point adding to your pain by drinking as you already know all it does is numb things for a while.
You have suffered some awful wrongs. Maybe things you can never forgive. Talking about them will help. Whether professionally or to a really close friend or to strangers, I don’t know which will be best for you.
Something similar but different was my problem. The first time I expressed out loud how I really felt was like a dam breaking emotionally. It didn’t solve my problems but I did realise what some of the issues were and most important that drinking was not helping.
But you have made a huge start in identifying triggers and past issues.
I can’t offer advice as every person is different. But I can offer hope that things are better when you are not drinking.
Now that you are an adult you understand how wrong your brother was to do that to you. As a child, even though you knew it wasn’t right, there is no way you could have understood all of what he was doing to you. Your mother, who is supposed to love you more than anyone in the world, and your brother who made you question your self respect and sexuality, changed the entire way you look at the world. Now that you aren’t drinking, you can work on yourself and gain a new perspective on the world. EFF them. Sorry if you have good relationships with them now, but that’s messed up. Hopefully you are feeling better sharing your story.
Thanks everyone for all of the advice. I certainly didn’t expect to blurt all of it out but it really does feel better just letting someone else know. I have never heard of AIAon but I would be open to it. I thought I was over all of my past traumas but this class made me realize that all I have done was surpress memories which I didn’t even think was possible. I am learning that sometimes your brain surpress memories as a coping mechanism which can cause gaps in your memory. I like the advice of waking up and naming something that I am grateful for. Maybe getting a hobby so I don’t feel depressed even though I absolutely hate feeling weak. My ego can also get in the way but you guys give great advice and now. I hope blessings come to all of you
