Hi all , day 7 day 5 . I’m ok ,don’t know what’s going on I opened my eyes and started crying I’ve cried for half an hour now and I’d be alright if I knew why ,but I feel like a fruit loop not understanding what’s upset me and feeling less capable than everyone else who can get on with life scares me and makes me use . Crying is something I’m least comfortable doing, I don’t want to come on here and moan about my childhood but for people to understand my issues with my feelings I feel I want to share why im not comfortable with it . My alcohol addicted dad had to leave to go to detox when I was five, they divorced after that (he was my best friend and died fifteen years sober in the AA rooms ) so I was left on my own with my mother who was neurotic and valium addicted and never got out of bed until nighttime for the next 6 years I put myself in care at that point I was a broken child I had to tell them the truth…they took me straight away and I never went back , ( please note me and my mother have fixed our relationship and I’ve detoxed in her house this week) .the reason I’ve told you this is she forbid me from crying over anything at all as a child she hated emotions and wouldn’t allow them fast forward to age 17 I decided drugs were a great way to stop this , no more crying happy days .and here I am with them seeping out my system back to feeling 17 again . Thanks for listening and all who want to give me any advice I’d like it please . im pushing through the day today ,my chest feels like an elephant s sat on it my shaking and confusions back in full force and i know todays gonna be tough. I’m not yet able to sleep more than four or five hours yet of and for a pot head alcoholic that loves sleep this is not serving me well . I’m very far removed from my doc today . My mother has weed in this house and I’ve no desire to go and smoke it , but what’s the best thing to do now should I try and rest should I crack in with the day through crying I just don’t know
I don’t feel like you’re “moan[ing] about [your] childhood.”
That’s part of what this place is about, in my opinion: getting out what’s bothering us and taking the power out of it, processing the complications and confusions of our lives without drugs and/or alcohol, etc.
I empathize with you 100%. I’m a product of childhood trauma and a broken home and I spent decades stuffing it all away and disconnecting from it with drugs & alcohol…to no avail.
For me, the first 30 days of being clean were a nightmare, in that they seemed to feel like 30 years. The next 60 - 90 were marginally better.
However, it really and truly does get better over time…For me, it was with: doing the Steps, going to meetings, getting a solid support system and talking about everything that’s goin’ on inside, seeing a therapist, and not associating with people, places & things that feed my addiction.
You’re onto something big.
Be. Kind. To. Yourself. You deserve it.
Thank you @RoseCityRonin i needed to hear that, I’m just allowing the tears flow today . I’m glad to hear things get marginally better with time to quote someone else on here “I walk ten miles into a forest expecting to come out in five “ I’ve got my first meeting in three years tonight .I’ll give the doctor a ring now about counciling I know I need to address so much .he did say he would ring me through last week to see how I was getting on but he didn’t so I’ll call him
For me personally I don’t call it recovery I call it discovery what I’ve been doing (and still am doing) for over 5 years now. It’s a journey and it takes work. We got to learn to live our true lives, not the life we were forced into living by the way our childhood played out. Which wasn’t our responsibility. Reading how you basically were left on your own and then you had to decide to change the situation aged 11 is just so sad.
It is our responsibility to make better life for ourselves now though. We’re the only ones that can. We’re allowed to show our emotions now. And feel our feelings. But we have to learn that. Do what you need to do. Cry. Seek help (as you are!). Go to meetings, hang around here with us, find professional help. Don’t go it alone. I feel you’re doing great. Do what feels best for you. If you want to cry cry. When you need rest rest. Again, you’re doing much better than you think. You’re listening to yourself, to your needs, in an adult manner. You got this. We got you. Big hugs Corine.
@Mno thank s so much I need validation for my emotions and that it’s ok to cry and be sad about things ,I’m still crying but feeling a bit lighter after yours and @RoseCityRonin s words I’m gonna go for fast uphill walk to get some of these weird feelings out .I can’t wait till I can afford a pushbike I used to love pissing along on a bike and the wicked feeling you get when your fucked ,your legs are giving in but you’ve made it to your destination and your really proud that’s my first savings priority. you’ve both picked me up now so…. come on corine let’s do this day, emotionally drained or not
Morning friend. Im glad u shared what u did. I dont think ur moaning about ur childhood at all. We all have a story that has impacted our lives and u have every right to feel what ur feeling. It sounds like u had to grow up way too fast and im so sorry for the things that u experienced 
In early recovery especially, emotions run high. I was very much the same way. My emotions would fluctuate dramatically and id often be crying for what seemed to be no reason at all. Tears are healing tho. Its good to let them out (even tho it doesnt feel good in the moment at times). Ur honouring ur inner child by feeling the emotions now, that u were told to stuff away by ur mother in ur past.
If i had any advice, it would be to be gentle worh urself. Give urself a hug. Do some self care. Take it easy as ur going thru these feeling. Maybe have a nice bath or cook a nice meal for urself. Breathe deeply. Do something for urself that u enjoy 
Youre on the right path. Ur exactly where u need to be in this moment hugs
@19801 , Corine, I want to send you some love and support for what you have been through and are now going through. You are so brave for taking on the tremendous challenge of freeing yourself from addiction. It’s tough going for sure, but you deserve the better life you will achieve. Come here any time to vent and to seek support, that’s what this place is for. 
It sounds a lot to me like your entire operating system is in survival mode. You’ve clearly experienced some big things in your life and your brain has developed whatever coping techniques it needed to survive in that space.
I can only speak for my journey but maybe you can relate. I experienced some trauma growing up but things I always thought were minimal, my mom also had the narrative of “suck it up and get over it.” As I got older I assumed I was never truly that impacted but things I’d experienced, it was just life.
But trauma, even the little things, compacts on itself. And learning to process that trauma and learn that it’s okay that you experienced it, it’s valid that you felt however you felt (even if it was bad), learning all of that is the only way I’ve been able to make change.
My alcohol addiction was what my survival brain needed to get through for a while until I started to address just how deep my wounds really were. Lots of therapy before I could even begin to tackle sobriety.
Sorry I rambled a bit there but I hope you find some guidance here. You’ve done what you needed to do to survive, but you can also want to make the change for healthier coping skills.
Many blessings to you on your journey 
Hi @19801
First of all, well done on day 7 and day 5. Those are moments that you chose, with the help of everyone around you. The support structures you have around you but mostly YOU chose to get to that point one day at a time and you are there and I for one, am proud of you. Coming from a place where the showing of emotions is frowned upon, I can sort of relate. But crying is good. Crying can be the body’s way of getting rid of all the things that we had bottled up. They just needed an outlet and they are coming out. The outlet for them it seems, you didn’t feed the bouncers with the drugs and the booze.
What I am taking from you is a strength that has no bounds. The desire and will to do what is best for you today. Have a good cry. I do sometimes. But remember, you are not alone. Seek help, here or wherever you are. Take it one little moment at a time. And please, be kind to yourself. You already doing good, amazing things. xo
Wow thank you everyone, your journey s and the messages you give are guiding me though all this emotional surfing . I’m glad I opened up like that this morning as I’m further away from picking up with every right Decision I’m making. I’ve just got back from my first AA meeting in three years ,I attended at least a few hundred and got to seven weeks once . But I wasn’t sober I was completely cannabis addicted so when i got to my step 4 writing my searching and fearless . my cannabis brain was obviously not having any of that (you can have the alcohol but your not takin me ) .that’s when I started drinking again . I couldn’t do anymore steps because i wouldn’t be honest or surrender my weed . Today I shared in front of people I knew which wasn’t easy after the way I left last time and sharing is something i rarely did before because I was stoned!!! (The fucking madness) I shared today honestly about all of my defects and dishonesty the last time round .Im so ready to let go and let god and let you … I’ve become to tired of being sick ,using and being hateful .if Im going to go through life I’ve got to deal with it like everyone else in the world does ……WITH EMOTIONS and no drugs the highs and the lows . So in a nutshell that step four s getting fuckin done 
You checked in on me after having a rough day yourself. What a selfless act! I’m finding courage and strength in reading your and eveyones posts. Knowing that I’m not in this alone is helping me without a doubt. Thanks for sharing!
I’m glad your gaining strength from us .remember we do it together and we fight for it whenever we have to . Yeah my day was rough yesterday and some of yours will be to .I stay focused and I ask wiser people on here than me to help me when I have no answer for myself, and one day at a time we don’t pick up 
. Yesterday was one day and I feel a bit better today