I have been working towards mending a relationship with my ex-fiance. We share a daughter together. We currently do not live in the same house hold and we co-parent our daughter. We both decided we wanted to work on our relationship and seek couples therapy. I have made many changes that he has seen, and has vocalized my changes.
However, i see no change in him. He expects so much from me. I cannot have one bad day were i vent about my frustrstions without him saying I am arguing. He informed me that he records every phone we have and continues to do so, but does not understand why I do not like that. I feel like he is trying to seek revenge towards me or something? I think i might need to take a few steps back. What do you think?
I’d take a break from him; that’s beyond controlling. No one should be telling you what’s the right way to feel, or especially recording your calls!!
I still love my ex too we haven’t been together in 7 years and I will probably always love her bc she is the mother of my children, but we didn’t work out for a reason, addiction aside it just was not working. Maybe co parenting is your guys best bet, to me it sounds one sided and like he just expected you to change well that’s not how relationships work. Maybe it’s time to make the ammends and move on
Recording the phone calls is a huge red flag to me. I’m not a successful long term relationship expert by any means.
I find that to be a sign of control. Like he is trying to collect ammo to use against you in the future. Maybe for custody of the kid.
Combined with how he shuts you down telling you that your arguing. That makes it so he “wins” every conversation.
My drinking didn’t help relationships. Romantic, business, or others. Looking back with clarity of mind there were many times that it took some “liquid courage” to vent my frustrations. Because I had been bottling them up alcohol allowed me to release them in an unhealthy manner. It didn’t help, and my drinking got blamed and over shadowed the valid reasons I was upset and my drinking took the fall.
I agree with the other ladies. Sounds toxic in my humble opinion. The phone call recording is beyond me. I work in the legal field and people only do this: one when they are seeking to take something away from the other party or are thinking of accusing the other party of wrong doing. If you are doing great on your own growth keep at it. When we change and others notice it may ruffle feathers. May force others who we allow time around us to look inward. Some may want to change but others won’t want to be bother. Do what feels right for you and your baby but something tells me you already know you just wanted to see if others may see what you see.
Grownups in a caring relationship don’t record phone calls and shut down conversations. He’s either not ready or not capable.
I encourage you to maintain a parenting relationship with him, but do not look to him for emotional support for you. That needs to come from somewhere else.
And if that parenting relationship doesn’t involve respect, then that needs to be addressed or discarded as well. Your child needs to see respect and dignity in the parental relationship, anything else is modeling abuse and toxicity. And for a child that becomes normalized very quickly and then replicated in their life.
I wish you the best and I encourage you to dig deep for the strength to establish expectations and boundaries built on respect and dignity.
This is something I totally relate too. I find it hard to express it like that sometimes, since it sounds to easy or something. But it’s the truth, one that’s hard to see and/or understood for the outside world….because I was the one drinking……
Nothing else to add to what has been said, it’s toxic. Take good care of yourself……
Sounds like he is being nice to you to try and gain something to use against you.
This is not normal.
Be carefull to be in sounds like he has motives that dont include you and he is manipulating you by being kind when he really has a nasty plan up his sleeve.
I say this from experience, this is not normal and you deserve better.
Although I do hope I am wrong but it just sounds as though him being nice is because he has other motives.
Maybe step right back and just text so you have proof logged too, and see how he reacts when he realises your not silly.
I wouldnt call I’d send voice notes or texts and keep yourself out of whatever plan he has ahead.
Taking advantage of your kindness.
Even the counselling… could be him already with a plan in place and this is for him to say he tried… etc… he may have got legal advice to be recording calls I hope this isnt the case.
I could be over worrying as this happend to me and I dont want anyone to ever go through what I am.
Toxic is the right word. How long you been working on things?
If you’re still doing the couples therapy, these are pretty dang valid concerns to bring up.
Sure, people may need time to rebuild trust. That’s fair. If you’ve been at this for months though, a conversation should be had if he’s having that much trouble moving forward.
Honestly, I’d step back. You’re making all these great charges & he obviously recognises them and approves of the changes. (good for you by the way, sounds like you’re doing great)
The recording of the phone calls is weird. I wouldn’t be up for that at all.
From my experience: I got back with my husband (we were separated 4 years, I still loved him & he’s my son’s dad) well 4 years is a long time, I had completely changed, I wasn’t shy, I didn’t sit quietly, I had my own money, I didn’t do what I was told anymore, I had friends, hobbies, a job, ambitions, goals. He hated it. I had been totally dependent on him for everything & one day he was gone. When he decided to come back (he’d been in our son’s life the whole time) I wasn’t anything like the woman he’d left. He couldn’t control me. He left again, he won’t be back. We couldn’t work because he hadn’t changed enough for me & I had changed way to much for him.
Oh no no no, I would cut my losses. You are healthier now and it sounds like he loves having the power of making you feel small. I don’t want to brag or anything, but I have a lot of experience with abusive men lol. This is a bouquet of red flags. He loses his power over you if you become mentally healthy. I think you already know the answer though.
When all else fails, I always say, if your best friend or kid were dating this dude, would he be good enough for them? Hell no! Right? Then he’s NOT good enough for you! Boom!
I understand taking a step back and trying to fix your relationship with therapy it can be incredibly helpful, but both parties have to put effort in.
As far as the recording phone calls two things
Check your jurisdiction in 13 states you need 2 party consent to recording a phone call. If you do not consent in Those jurisdictions it’s illegal
He’s looking for something, like you said you coparent your child, which is common, but what if he’s waiting for you to say you fucked ip and he wants to use that for a custody battle. Parents are good with coparenting often until money starts be discussed especially child support, then they are parent of the year and they deserve the child
Since these concerns were great enough for you to post them here, I’d address them in therapy and see what his response is, first it might get a question. On his intentions. 2nd it’s also on record for your therapy sessions in case you need to reference later
This behavior sounds dangerous controlling and manipulative,
This is super weird. It is a red flag. This type of surveillance / control behaviour is not a healthy relationship behaviour and I don’t think it is a good sign for any future here. God, imagine having to self-censor for so many years just because my partner has decided to monitor me. That is no way to live.
Time to go. Preserve your healthy boundaries and look for love somewhere else. You deserve someone who respects you enough to not be spying on you.
I do not feel like i can fully trust him. I feel uncomfortable knowing he records every conversation we have. Its like he is waiting for me to do something to try and hold against me. I really do not understand his intentions there… he becomes frustrated towards me when i shoe signs of not trusting him and says he has done nothing to make me not trust him. I am really feeling tired of how hard he is making everything. I do not understand what he is trying to do to me.
This sounds like a great idea if you are going to go ahead and try to work things out being cautious x
Here anytime If you need a chat.
Your doing really well also not running in blind and asking peoples advice is good.
So proud of you for wanting the best for you child and you. And how far you have come is amazing
I have asked him multiple times and i have gotten so many different responses. He said he records EVERY convo we have. He says stuff like, “why are you worried about it” “because” “you never know when i might need to show how you treat me” “i might need to show a therapist someday” “if youre worried why dont you start recording me”. He triggers me and then when i stick up for myself he starts recording. I can tell when he starts recording, because he stops talking loudly, and begins saying stuff like “ok” on repeat.
That is how i feel. I have changed so much of myself to try and fit his “mold” he has for me and it just keeps changing. I never feel good enough or appreciated. It sucks.
You took the thoughts right out of my mind and put them into words! I feel he is doing exactly what you said. He is trying to seek revenge on me or something. I always feel like he is in a competition against me or something. He constantly debates with me over everything. Having a simple conversation usually turns into a debate or something. It is exhausting. I used Marijuana to escape and forget the pain he caused me, but it did not help. It actually made it 10x worse. I harbored so much pain and sadness, which turned into anger. When we broke up and he moved out, is when i got sober and started to see light at the end of the tunnel. I could not stop with him around. I tried over and over. He only reminded me when i would fail.
