ICanAndWill's Touchstone

[ICanAndWill]

DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) was created by Dr. Marsha Linehan, who herself has BPD. I spent years and years going through various methods of therapy with little improvement. Sometimes the therapy made me worse! DBT saved my life… no… it gave me a life. It taught me how to live and live well.

Diagnoses aren’t crutches to use to validate poor behavior. People that rely on them as a way to get away with being an asshole offend my sensibilities. Diagnoses are naming a beast, and if that beast cannot be vanquished, it’s a way of learning how to tame it.

There is absolutely hope that healing is on the horizon for you! I’m living proof! But, I had to walk through fire first. I just wasn’t alone. For there was Another One in the fire with me…even when it didn’t feel like it.

I have to constantly remind myself to remain in the present. To say, what can I do about this right now? That helps me stay mindful and present, and in control of myself.

[Butterflymoonwoman]

HUGE congratulations on day 3!!! Great course of action u took this morning! Sounds like it really helped!

[ICanAndWill]

Thank you! It really did.

I working on my radical acceptance and being okay sitting with uncomfortable feelings.

[ICanAndWill]

53 days PMO-free

4 days smoke-free

I am swimming in all sorts of emotions and feelings. The thing I liked about smoking was it allowed me to tolerate them. I simply cannot be married to my wife anymore. But, I can’t afford to live anywhere else. So, I have to pretend everything is okay. I’m not invested in the relationship anymore, nor am I really invested in her… I was speaking to my therapist and she immediately identified that I wasn’t free to marry. Not only was I grieving the loss of my dad, I was grieving the loss of his whole side of his family, and I had to still shoulder the responsibility of taking care of her mom, her well being, and our pets. I was still in shock when I got married, not to mention I was groomed. And, I can bear it better when I smoke. For some reason, I like her better when I smoke. I have not identified why that exactly is, all I know is that I have now 3 separate mental health professionals tell me that I’m still feeling shock and residual trauma from my relationship.

I am bisexual. I prefer men. And, she has a very difficult time grasping that. She is grasping, clutching onto me with a tight fist; and she always has. Except, instead of accepting that as my immutable fate, I am learning how to be me again.

And a part of me is being a non-smoker. I was learning how Big Tobacco targeted the LGBTQ community, especially with menthols. Knowing this has helped me stay quit. Sobriety is resistance!

I will one day be able to live fully, unapologetically, authentically me.

But until then, I will plant the seeds for that day. One day at a time.

[ICanAndWill]

I’m really struggling today. I wish I could turn my bedroom into a hibernaculum. I’m going to distract myself with emotionally neutral games like Words with Friends (2) and potentially read… more than likely nap. Oh God, I hope I can sleep.

These nightmares and night sweats are terrible!

[MrMoustache]

I wish I could take your pain away, but I’m so glad that you have your faith. I hope your 5th non-smoking day is gonna be better. Hang in there, you’re doing great job!

[ICanAndWill]

Thank you, you’re so sweet!

[ICanAndWill]

54 days PMO-free

5 days smoke-free

I’ve been meditating on the expression that “we’re all in the same boat”. What a load of shit!

We are in the same storm, but in different boats.

Some are in cruise ships, others in yachts, some in row boats, while still others on makeshift rafts. Some people don’t even have that!

Then I started thinking about how incredible this platform is for us all.

1.) We don’t have to stick with what we’ve been given. Some can swim to the yachts and be welcomed aboard, while others need to jump from them because they’re sinking. We don’t have to settle. We can do what we need in order to survive.

2.) Those who have a higher perspective, say from a crows nest or from the top floor of a cruise ship, can alert those who don’t have that advantage of oncoming danger. Only a fool in a raft would disregard the warning of an upcoming wave from someone who can see them. So, too, would it be foolish for someone higher up ignore the warnings from someone on a raft that their boat is sinking, just because they can’t see the cracks at the bottom of their vessel. I love that this platform allows us to share with one another, to help each other out; it allows us to tether together and ride this storm out together instead of drifting alone.

3.) Storms aren’t consistent. There are lulls in the storms or sudden intense bursts of activity. I’ve been in storms with the sun shining! In Florida, it was so common for it to rain on one side of the street and not the other. My Mom just reminded me of the time we went out for ice cream and beignets. I was bones dry while she was getting drenched, and we sat at the same picnic table! True story! Once, I had my window down in the car while Jo had to have hers up because it was raining so violently. Just because we are in the same storm doesn’t mean we are going to have the same experience at the same time.

4.) We can’t save idiots from themselves all of the time. We end up risking our own lives. There’s got to be a point where we let go and let God. If someone is going to FA they are going to FO. Try as we may, some people don’t want help. And that’s a hard pill to swallow, especially for problem solvers and helpers. But, we have to prioritize ourselves first. Self-care isn’t selfish.

As I contemplate what’s helping me succeed this time around, I think of so many things. There are so many components that had to line up (and continue to line up) like a zipper. That’s the mindful part of it for me. How to keep it moving smoothly?

Thank you all for being a part of that zipper, being a HUGE part of me surviving this storm. I have lightning and thunder, water and wind assaulting me; but, you’re words of encouragement are a poncho and your posts are an umbrella that has the scientific yet magical ability to prevent me from being electrocuted by lightning. Thank you!!!

And thank you, you know who you are.

[MrMoustache]

I absolutely love this post! Great metaphors and wisdom in it.

[ICanAndWill]

Thank you!

[ICanAndWill]

55 days PMO-free

6 days smoke-free

My morning routine was thrown out of whack. Normally this would also throw me out out of whack; but, I intentionally didn’t think about it. I rolled with the punches the best I could while maintaining the bullet points of what’s important to me. I am trying to stay peaceful and calm (which is difficult when I live with such an infuriating woman). I’m going to take some hydroxyzine which will help the chemical aspect of it. I’m reminded why I chain-smoked so much. I was at least away from her! But, I have escape routes that don’t involve smoking.

I went to the gym this morning and my key fob didn’t work. Instead of focusing on this is as another strike on an already long list against my apartment complex, I am rolling with the punches.

Let me explain how: I’m placing all these thoughts and feelings into a “deal with later” box, and will sort through them in my safe space: my studio.

That’s my sacred getaway. The one place that is my own. Sure, half of it is filled with my mom’s shit. But I have carved out a space that I protect viscously. I’ll take pictures of it to share with y’all! I’ll invite you into my happy place. Once I am there…I feel alive. I feel joyful. I feel safe to be me. I feel safe to feel and express. That’s the one place I am validated, and it’s the only place where I can work through everything without an agenda.

The idea that it might be taken from me is terrible. It horrifies me. It’s part of the reason I have nightmares.

But as God gives, so He takes away. I must submit myself to Job’s wisdom: if we accept good things from God, why shouldn’t we accept the bad?

Cleaning up 3 piles of dog vomit wasn’t on my To-Do list, nor was doing laundry. Yet, here I am—and I’m doing it sober!

I hope y’all have a beautiful day. Holler at me if you want to chat!

[Butterflymoonwoman]

First off my friend, i want to say HUGE congratulations on 6 days smoke free!! Thats a BIG deal! i have seen a change in ur posts over the last 6 days or so. I cant quite figure out how to describe it. You sound just more self-aware, maybe a bit more confident and sure of urself. Its amazing to see the change

Im so glad that u have a safe space where u can be YOU! Id love to see pics of that space. I love ur process of “dealing with it later”. Thats something I might try to incorporate into my own life aswell. Sometimes theres a lot of shit that happens at once and it gets overwhelming for me. So saving it for later and then prioritizing that list of To Dos, will probably help.

I hope ur day is as fantastic as u are friend!

[ICanAndWill]

I have this space to prop up things for still life art. I want to continue practicing and perfecting the basics.

I am so worried my couch looks like a casting couch! Like legit! I am super sus walking in here and shutting the door as quickly as I can anyway. Then I’ll be in here for HOURS! But IDGAF. What’s life if it isn’t to give our neighbors sport? I’m doing my best to make sure it looks less and less like a garage. My next project is to weave muslin over the rafters with some fairy lights. The problem is I can’t paint or put anything into the walls. So I’m using what they have poking through!

[ICanAndWill]

It’s a work in progress. But it’s my joy, my baby.

So far, only my brother who passed away and my Mom have been in here. He never got to see it like this. I know he’d have loved it.

I’ve invited Jo and she refused.

Which is okay. Because it keeps this place special.

And now y’all!

Which makes it even more special.

[Butterflymoonwoman]

How special is this space!!! I really love it!!! LOL on the " white casting couch" thats hilarious lol But really tho ur space looks comfortable! I can see why it is ur safe space. Im so glad that u have this space for urself Thank u for sharing this part of world with us all! Thats very meaningful.

[ICanAndWill]

I have more pictures but for some reason they won’t post. So, I’ll take the hint and keep them between me and my guardian angel.

[Butterflymoonwoman]

Thats probably a sign for sure

[ICanAndWill]

56 days PMO-free

7 days smoke-free

That’s right y’all! 1 week without a cigarette.

I was having a difficult time getting past a day, then two days, then three days…

But I kept chugging along! ”I think I can, I think I can!”

Do I want a cigarette right now? No.

Am I convincing myself I want a cigarette? Yes.

Do I actually want it? Not at all.

I was going through the only photo album I have left. (I used to be our family’s archivist, but 98% of it was damaged through a series of terrible circumstances.)

I wanted to reorganize them to tell a story.

Pictures of my parents when they were young, got married, starting having kids, got divorced, and the life that followed. But I couldn’t even get all of the photos out of their sleeves. I’m too emotional. I’m currently trying to stay at an emotional baseline. If I swing too far one way or another, I risk too much. I’m grounding. Trying to stay present. For a split second, just a moment, I wanted to self-injure. I HAVEN’T DONE THAT IN YEARS! (Apart from self-piercing and -tattooing myself.) How I wanted to do it will remain between me, my guardian angel, and God, lest I trigger someone. Yet, I had the wherewithal to say “wtf?! You know much better than this! And after I conceded to myself, I ran to pop a sugar free candy in my mouth. It wasn’t a fast enough jolt to get me back. So, I brushed my teeth. I brushed my teeth slowly and mindfully. And honestly, it worked.

So now I’m here… grounding myself in your cyber presence; and feeling the connection and solace from our collective strength. Because I don’t actually want to smoke, “gratify” myself to porn, nor even binge eat. I want peace and closure for things that aren’t possible. Out of the 5 members of my immediate family, now 2 have passed away.

I don’t have connection with extended family.

Zero people from my dad’s side. Literally.

And zero people from my mom’s side. Literally.

I still have my mom and little sister. Luckily I’ve been seeing and helping my mom a bunch. (I was already doing that before Emmett passed). But we are all so deeply broken by his sudden loss, that we’re all in the endless vacuum of space that is grieving.

Grieving is lonely.

Having no family and only cyber friendships is lonely.

Being in a toxic marriage is lonely.

And, sobriety can be lonely. But it’s not for me.

This is the only place I feel embraced. I was on this app the majority of the day and night last night. And, I’ll probably be on here a bunch again today.

I’m cleaning my house, caring for my plants and animals, and still running errands. I know how to live in the “real world”. I clearly can cope…

Look at my stats despite these sorrows!

I wanted to bed rot today. I wanted to shut out the world. But, I’m not going to; I have too much I want to do. So I will knit and listen to an audio version of A Tale of Two Cities. Then, who knows? I might go back to the photo album. I might not. And that’s okay.

I’m okay. I’m going to be okay.

It’s okay to feel these strong emotions, but I need to do so safely. When I get to a place that I can process them, I will do so gradually.

I hope everyone has a wonderful and sober day!

[Olivia]

Sending you a hug and congrats on your sober days. Well done. Every step forward counts.

I was thinking about your urge to self harm. Was that your response to tragedy/overwhelming situations or something else, back in the day? Going through grief and family history might have triggered that. But you ARE different now. You are transforming, healing and holding your ground.

I wish I could console you somehow but I know Christ is not lacking resources. Stay safe.

[ICanAndWill]

Thanks for your kind message. It’s true: I lack nothing in Christ.

My urge to self harm is the vestigial response to trauma. It’s a physical distraction pulling me away from a core memory that I am apparently, or my parts believe, not ready to remember.

I’m feeling pretty hollow. I suppose it would remind me that I can feel, and even though it’s painful, it’s something I can embrace outside of the numbing pressure inside of me.

However, I have not nor will not harm myself! I suppose smoking was a self-injurious behavior. And, now that I don’t have that…

No. I’m going to continue to float through these feelings until I can safely process them.