ICanAndWill's Touchstone

[ICanAndWill]

57 days PMO-free

8 days smoke-free

I was nervous this morning about smoking. I had an entire months worth of “step 1” nicotine patches, yet I kept slipping while I wore them. Yesterday was my last “step 1”, and this morning I put on a “step 2”. I was worried that with only a week of truly being smoke-free wouldn’t be enough time to wean myself down to the next level. Then, I had to remind myself that those 3 weeks weren’t wasted. God wastes nothing, and neither shall I. Those three weeks were mini-quits. They were me learning a new routine. They were me practicing to have a successful week. So, there’s no reason for me to be nervous. I have everything within me to have a successful next two weeks. I’m not going to focus on that. Besides, smoking is much more psychological than physical. When I begin to crave one, I’ll remind myself that I have the physical need met; and then try to identify which psychological need needs met instead.

I’m tired. It’s from my hydroxyzine. However, I need to take them right now to help me with my overwhelming, chronic anxiety. So, I’m tired but functioning.

I don’t know what the day has in store for me. I don’t really have any plans. I’m looking forward to warmer weather. I can go out and about more comfortably. I’m currently gaslighting myself into believing I still love winter. I love the snow, I love the cold, winter is my favorite season. Mhmm. These are true statements in August, when it’s bloody hot!

I am grateful that we’re having a snowy winter though. It’s been far too long. Usually they’re either bitter cold and dry, or miserably cold and wet. Having a “true” winter has been nice. But, I’m done with it. Time to move onto green, lush grass and beautiful colors popping out of the ground! Stupid Punxsutawney Phil.

Where I’m from, once the forsythia blooms, there will be three more snows. I’ve spotted my first robin of Spring a bit ago. I was angry because I thought it was too early. Either nature is confused or we are having an early Spring…then that damned groundhog had to ruin everyone’s hope. So, I’m looking for other signs in nature. Have the crocuses sprung joyfully from the ground? Where are the daffodils? This is the crappy part of moving back into a suburban city… although I don’t miss the beaucratic and administrative bullshit of West Virginia, I do miss how wild and wonderful it really is.

Well, it’s time to go do whatever it is I’m going to do…but I’ll do it confidently about my sobriety.

Have a blessed day y’all!

[BackOnTheRoad]

Hey my friend

8 Days no Smoke is great, i’m at 18 hours No Smoking now Did a 1 hour workout today. Also my morning Sport, and my evening workout later, better Feeling than Smoking, porn, Drinking and all that Other stuff, good workout best endorphine. Better than drugs and Sex

[ICanAndWill]

Hours turn into days, days turn into weeks, weeks into months…

Keep stacking them hours! I’m proud of you!

[BackOnTheRoad]

I’m also proud of you

Thank you for the positive Vibes and Motivation.

[ICanAndWill]

Of course!

We’re doing this together!

Together we can and will!

[ICanAndWill]

I’m struggling so badly.

I have therapy tomorrow.

I’m going to medicate beforehand to help with the stress of the appointment.

I’m worried about smoking.

I have control. I am in control.

I am here in this moment. And this moment sucks. And I hate my wife and pretending like everything is okay until I can afford to quietly move away is soul sucking.

She’s soul sucking.

The more I think about it, the more my mental health history makes so much sense.

I didn’t want to kill myself, I just didn’t want to live with her. And I couldn’t admit that to myself.

I had so many mental breakdowns because I was denying myself, I was gaslit into believing I was this person she wanted me to be…and what’s even more fucked up, I still couldn’t win.

My therapist asked me the last time I felt joy.

It was before I got married.

When I was out and proud.

When I was thin and active.

Before moving in with her…

And I see now the people who warned me about her. I hated it. I was a kid. Tell me to sit, and I’m going to jump.

What I’m feeling is a deep hatred for her. A deep, burning resentment.

I’m struggling with my feelings. I’m scared of my feelings.

But I’m not going to numb them away with cigarettes.

I don’t want to smoke.

I want to live authentically, openly, unapologetically me

Without her.

[DanielaJ]

I am so sorry that you still have to live with your abuser (is it okay to use that word for her?)

I hope therapy will be a good experience and you will feel better afterwards.

I am so proud of you and grateful for all the kind words and encouragement you keep giving here to everyone.

May I ask if you already have kind of a plan how you ca get away from her?

Sending warm hugs along your way

And huge congrats to not smoking! That is amazing! Keep it going for TODAY

[ICanAndWill]

Call a spade, a spade. It’s okay.

And, no, I don’t have any plans. They’re more ideas, concepts. Generally speaking, we can make the plans, we just can’t plan the variables and contingencies. So I’m sticking to ideas and prayer right now. That’s what I can afford right now.

[ICanAndWill]

58 days PMO-free

9 days smoke-free

I woke up shaking. Sleep doesn’t even provide my body rest. I’ve taken some hydroxyzine and the rest of my morning medicine. I’m hoping that kicks in soon.

I have therapy this morning. I’d like to review grounding skills with her instead of digging and raking through emotional gunk. It’s only a 35 minute appointment anyway. Just enough time to get me rattled but not enough to settle me back down.

I’m out of hard candy and I’m not going to lie…I’m panicked.

I have a bag of fidgeting things…but nothing for me to put in my mouth. I am going to scrounge up some change and see if I can buy a little bag at the misnomered Dollar Tree after my therapy appointment. It’s on the way to the YMCA. I am going to donate blood and either swim or exercise.

I want to vomit from my nerves. I’m trying to avoid shaking too badly. Luckily, she’s too self-obsessed and won’t notice if I stay active.

I was gay. Out and proud. Then she systematically groomed me —22 years her junior—into believing she knew me better than me. And, now I don’t even know me. I know I’m not physically attracted to her, or even emotionally. I know I prefer men. I was thinking last night… I’m almost 37 and I don’t even know my sexual orientation.

Then I thought: yes I do. She’s just made me doubt everything about myself.

I’m not smoking. That’s important to me.

That’s less for you to read and more to remind myself

I have too many backup plans for when I become overwhelmed with emotions. Too many skills and healthy distractions.

I’m not going to worry about tomorrow. I’m not even going to worry about today. That implies I don’t trust myself…

And I do.

I trust that I can and will be sober just for today.

I pray everyone has a blessed day.

[MrMoustache]

Thank you for sharing, my man. I’m so happy for your sobriety, even though you’re struggling. But you’re still standing, not giving up. I hope your appointment went well. And I understand your crisis concerning your sexual orientation. I found out I’m asexual when I turned 40 (I’m 46 now). I’m also attracted to men although I prefer women. I think I’m bisexual but I’m not interested of that anymore because of my asexuality. I’m sure you’re gonna figure it all out. Hugs to you.

[ICanAndWill]

Listen to this shit…

My therapist didn’t show up for my appointment.

I waited for 30 minutes and would’ve had less than 20 minutes of “appointment time”, so I emailed her and said I wouldn’t be waiting anymore but I was still not smoking…

Then she had the AUDACITY to try to gaslight me into believing I AM THE ONE that mixed up the time!

[Butterflymoonwoman]

@ICanAndWill Sooo proud of you for ur 9 days smoke free! Thats effin huge!!!

Jeeze Im sorry about ur therpy appt tho Thats incredibly disrespectful for them to just not show up.

[ICanAndWill]

59 days PMO-free​

10 days smoke-free

TRIGGER WARNING: sexuality; intimacy

My nightmares and night sweats have been decreasing; albeit my dreams keep getting stranger. For me, that’s just normal. Lord knows, I’m strange. The worst part for me is that I am gifted with being able to effectively interpret dreams. So, when I wake up, I usually gaslight myself.

That’s not what it means; let’s go online and find any other reason for it’s interpretation; it’s probably nothing, I’m being sensitive.

I was hypnopompic when I realized I had been caressing myself. I don’t like being touched, even by myself. I usually put a pillow in-between my legs so they don’t touch at night. So, it was out-of-character for me to be caressing myself. It was tender and loving. I found myself sinking into feeling how wonderful it felt. Then it occurred to me that I missed being intimate with someone. I am not attracted to my wife. I haven’t had sex in three years and I can count a dozen times in the time we’ve married that we had sex. I didn’t initiate it most of the time, and when I did it would be to placate her. I would spend days mentally prepping myself. Convincing myself that I can do it and that I want it and that it’s my choice. I enjoyed cuddling, although I preferred “back cuddling”. I hate kissing her. I hate it so much. But I do it only when she asks. And it’s usually a peck at most. I thought yesterday how I don’t ever want to kiss her ever again, but I don’t know how to tell her that. Then, in my hypnopompic state, I realized that I’ve been using my weighted blanket as a substitute for intimacy. I hate her touch. She’s very physical and she knows I’m not. She does her best to respect my boundaries, but then she’ll guilt trip me; which then negates the respected boundaries.

I used porn to feel beautiful, loved, desirable, and wanted; all things I don’t feel. I was never good enough to be in a relationship with…only a one night stand. I’d settle, only to feel horrible afterwards. I hated it. We were only using each other. I had used porn before but it shifted to being a substitution for hookups. It gave me this false sense of control. Then it spiraled out of control. It then became just a hit. I became that which I hated.

Last night, I realized that I miss intimacy. I’ve also confirmed that I still desire intimacy with a man.

I’m planting seeds in my mental health garden to work on my self-esteem, -worth, and -image.

It’s amazing to me how many painful things bubble up when we choose sobriety…when we let ourselves feel those things we subconsciously hid away.

I was always afraid to feel…anything. I haven’t been safe enough to feel anything. But, now I’m strong enough to let myself, not only feel, but also to defend myself so that I can feel these things.

And the most effective way to defend myself is to choose sobriety. My addictions were abusers. They lied to me, they bullied me, and they gaslit me into believing that they were helping me. No. They were killing my whole person: mind, body, and soul.

Now I have y’all which gives me that community that I’ve lacked. Y’all help me feel connected, plugged into a network of beautifully imperfect souls just doing our best to get through the day sober. How I wish y’all knew how grateful I am for you all. Truly, madly, deeply grateful.

Stay blessed my very special friends.

[ICanAndWill]

60 DAYS PMO-FREE

Y’all…

I never imagined ever going this long without PMO. I felt so chained to this addiction that I eventually developed a type of Stockholm Syndrome. There was even a time I thought I’d literally die if I didn’t MO.

And here I am.

I can literally talk about my PMO sobriety in terms of months now.

11 days smoke-free

I thought I would have a tougher transition coming down to a lower milligram of nicotine. But, honestly, no. Turns out the less time I spend near/with my wife, the less time I think about smoking.

I spent a beautiful day with my Mom and little sister. We had lunch and went shopping. Well…they did. Who has the money for that?

Albeit, I did manage to buy a $48 for $1 and $40 pants for $2! I won the bargain shopping contest that day, let me tell you. The secret is don’t try looking for them. Just randomly go to a rack, even if it isn’t on clearance, and say ‘oh that’s cute’ with no intention of buying it. Boom. $1 sweater.

So, I’m going to head to the gym and begin the next phase of my Year of Health Restoration. I hope y’all stay blessed!

[Butterflymoonwoman]

Yes!!! Great job on not only 2 months being PMO free! But also on ur 11 days smoke free! Sounds like ur sort of getting into a groove here with ur sobriety! Thats great to see

[ICanAndWill]

Yasss girl!

Cue Ms. Patti—cause I got a new attitude!

[MrMoustache]

Sounds liked day after all. And hurd congrats on 11 days without a smoke. Keep going, friend!

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[Butterflymoonwoman]

I saw this and immediately thought of you!

[ICanAndWill]

YASSSSSS!

Period.

[ICanAndWill]

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a couple days.

I’m struggling emotionally.

But my sober timers are still ticking away!